Thursday, September 11, 2003

ACE News Article Fails to Mention Food

The latest issue of ACE News received strong criticism this week, as the ACE Executive Junta, the American Beef Council, and the National Lard, Scrapple, Hog Brains, and Head Cheese Foundation all condemned the magazine for its failure to mention food in one article.

"This is absolutely disgraceful," announced American Coaster Enthusiasts Commander-in-Chief, Winner of the 1976 Tchaikovsky Cello Competition, and Hindu Goddess of Destruction Carole Sanderson. "The ACE Code of Conduct specifically prohibits the writing of any article for any of our publications without making reference to food. For the past seven years, each and every article, even those quick 'breaking news' updates about new coasters that everyone already knew about three months ago, featured breathless prose lauding beef, pork, or gooey breakfast treats. I don't know how it happened that this regulation was broken in the latest issue, but it'll be dealt with, believe you me."

Diligent research by a crack team of ARN&R forensic scientists and photographers located the offending article with ease. Located on the back page, and titled "Dollywood Does It," the half-page feature manages, somehow, to describe the new GCI coaster being built for the Tennessee park without referencing Krispy Kreme, country ham, or grits even once.

"I don't know how this thing slipped through," lamented editor Mark Davidson. "I think I might have been distracted by the thought of getting the annual onslaught of irritatating reviews of Phoenix Phall Phunfest that feel the need to spell everything over and over with 'ph' instead of 'f,' as if it's still remotely funny or entertaining after the eleven-billionth time. In any case, I apologize for allowing an article to run without mentioning buffets of any sort."

Davidson defended the publication, saying, "we do normally maintain a high level of professionalism in reporting news of ACE members gorging themselves to the brink of propulsive vomiting. Why, even in this issue, every other article talks mostly about food instead of other stupid crap like roller coasters or whatever. Any article dealing with conventions, of course, almost solely features exciting buffet news, and the articles in this issue were no exception. And then the blurb about Hersheypark's Rocket Coaster requests the ride be named the Chocolate Rocket. The Timberhawk review noted a complimentary lunch. And even the Coaster Media review mentions scrambled eggs. So we hope our audience will forgive this one slight of ours, and please not eat us alive and then crack open our thigh bones to suck out our tasty marrow."

The author of the article in question was not named in ACE News, but Sanderson promises a severe lashing, as well as sentencing to the back of the next CoasterCon ice cream line, to the culprit if he or she is ever located.