Monday, January 27, 2003

Guarantee a Lonely Rest of the Year

Are you one of the one-fifth of one percent of our audience with a significant other? Yes? Have we got some Valentine's Day gifts for you!

Why, you can buy her (or him, we suppose, but...ick) a very special thong or him or her some boxer shorts, each with a semi-witty graphic.

All proceeds go towards us.
Paramount Parks to Add "Some Nickelodeon Crap"

In a press release notable for its melancholy tone, Paramount Parks announced that all of its parks would receive "some Nickelodeon crap," as well as "some sort of lame-ass Scooby Doo kids section."

"Park guests will be mildly interested to see the new 'You Can't Do That on Television!' section at each of the Paramount parks," declares the press release. "If they can get enough energy to get their fat asses off the benches and rouse their interest in something besides their goddamn GameBoys, they might also find our Scooby Doo 'Crazy Adventure' theme 75 square feet worthy of their attention for a few minutes."

The press release then contains twelve lines of open verse expressing great angst, generally themed around the author's envy of other park chains' ability to add huge new attractions, and three haiku focusing on the best places to drink heavily near each park.

It concludes: "Yes, indeed, Paramount Parks has again shown that our parks are the best parks in a two square-mile radius of any Paramount park. Old boring coasters and stupid new ones -- who the hell thought of Son of Beast, anyway? -- those are our hallmarks, and our guests love 'em, or at least generally refrain from violence and public defecation while in our parks."

"God, I hate my job."