Thursday, January 30, 2003

Dateline Exposé Broadens ARN&R Drinking Scandal

Already reeling from charges of alcoholism among its staff, ARN&R was rocked tonight by a no-holds-barred Dateline piece that jumped the ever-widening scandal to national front-page news.

The initial claims of sodden debauchery were made by respected national coaster expert and grammar wizard Xcrement, who stated “[t]hat site is so stupid, and probably run by a couple of drunks.” The rumor was dismissed outright the same night by the website’s Editor-in-Chief, who stated that “no member of my staff has ever been even remotely intoxicated,” immediately prior to belching loudly into the microphone.

The matter seemed to have been put to rest…until ARN&R was blindsided by Dateline, which sneaked cameras into a lurid party at Hugh Hefner’s AbsolutelyReliable Mansion this weekend. The news program gathered reel after reel of shocking material, of which several heavily edited excerpts were shown to the horrified American public.

Among the most Bacchanalian of ARN&R staff misadventures catalogued by Dateline were contributing writers WDL, RAS, and JCK beer-bonging Everclear with Hefner and frolicking in a Gin and Tonic pond with stark naked Jessica Alba, Jennifer Garner and Kristen Kreuk, while the Editor-in-Chief was seen simultaneously shotgunning three cases of Guinness while using a piping hot coat hanger to brand “ARN&R RULZ” on the buttocks of comely young blondes.

Although the ARN&R staff has refused to grant interviews following the startling footage, their lawyer Johnny Cochran has claimed in a written statement that “the case would be tried in a court, not on coaster message boards.”