Monday, October 06, 2003

CoasterLand Coaster Inc. Coasters Inc. Wins Rare Honor

There is little to be said about this site besides: Yikes., we bow down in awe of your cretinous use of popup boxes and incredibly annoying music. And your completely nonalphabetical listing of states. [Ed. Note: One of our correspondents, with far too much time on his hands, points out that the listing is, helpfully enough, in the order that the states joined the Union. Thanks, Rain Man!]

Congratulations, CoasterLand Coaster Inc. Coasters Inc., you're our Site O' the Weak!

Addendum: One of our friends informed us that this site "made [her] lose the will to live."
Microsoft Debuts “Ban’em 2K3” Software to Amusement Industry

To meet the demand of Amusement Park industry heads, Microsoft has devised the latest in industry software. In an exclusive interview with ARN&R, Bill Gates demonstrated the future of Park Banning.

“Our new software integrates the privacy forfeiture of Windows XP into our existing small business applications. Now, whenever a coaster enthusiast badmouths a park on the internet, park management is immediately notified thanks to Microsoft's new ToolSpider technology. With just a few clicks, the offender’s name, address, social security number, and passport photo are in the hands of management.”

Banned enthusiasts can be nabbed thanks to retinal scanners posted at Lemon Chill stands throughout the park if they disobey park management and try to sneak in. “This software alerts security immediately of any banned coaster enthusiast on park property so that they can be dealt with swiftly and be sent home, to hopefully share their experience on the Internet, preferably using MSN Explorer.” said Gates. Additionally, Microsoft is reportedly in the final stages of testing SalivaGuard, a new sensor apparatus designed to recognize banned enthusiasts through rapid DNA analysis of their drool that inevitably drops near hot dog stands.

Cedar Fair has already purchased the software package and plans to have everything in place “in time to keep out CSTRTUL24 and AIRTIMEWHORE435 out of our beautiful parks.”