Wednesday, May 14, 2003

Enthusiast Arrested in Amish Country

Ohio-area coaster enthusiast John DiLello was arrested on Tuesday in the Amish area of Pennsylvania Dutch country for harassment. According to police reports exclusively obtained by ARN&R, DiLello repeatedly attempted to get the "inside scoop" on what construction was likely to come in coming years to the area.

"Initially, he was just asking the clerks at the furniture stores for 'track sightings,' whatever that might be, and that didn't really cause too much trouble," said local police chief Bob Morgan. "But then he was really harassing some of the Amish people, repeatedly calling them 'cast members' and complimenting them on 'staying in character' while also demanding that they tell him 'B&M or Intamin.' God only knows what that means."

DiLello was also reported to be seeking ERT on the buggy ride and early admission to what he called "that dark ride," which local residents call "the one-room schoolhouse."

The arrest occurred when DiLello was found forcibly removing the traditional headwear from Amish teenagers, yelling, "You're just as bad as the Dippin' Dots guy! Fess up! It's gonna be a giant Intamin impulse!"

DiLello, reached for comment, said only that he found it "really weird that they themed a whole park after that Witness movie. And I never found a single coaster."
Valleyfair Spokeswoman Claims Steel Venom “Blows”

In an era where parks are infamous for their hyperbole and, sometimes, outright lies about the thrill level and functionality of new coasters, it was refreshing to see brutal honesty being delivered by a major management figure for once. Yesterday, Valleyfair spokeswoman Amy Maikkula disparaged the park’s splashy, but broken, new Steel Venom, an Intamin Impulse Coaster.

“Something blew,” Maikkula told reporters without a shred of hesitation, after calling a press conference to announce that the Steel Venom would not be opening as anticipated due to major technical problems. “I’m not sure what it was that blew, but I’m pretty sure the maintenance crew must blow pretty bad, at least. After all, they screwed up and something broke. Also, Cedar Fair blew for buying us this dumb thing that just goes back and forth a bunch of times, when other Cedar Fair parks have gotten stuff like Millennium Force, Ghostrider, and Talon in recent years. And you reporters blow big time for discussing this in the papers and on TV, so we’ll probably lose business from the throngs of patrons that would have come to ride this coaster. Actually, they blow, too. Most of them don’t bathe enough, and they ask really stupid questions.”

Maikkula went on to say that "it's frustrating. It's been tested extensively. I've ridden it myself about 20 times. Of course, as I keep telling everyone, it pretty much blew. It blew something fierce, to be honest."

Signs telling patrons that the coaster was closed were posted at the park's entrance, and "everybody's been really nice about it." Maikkula said. “For instance, one guy told me to ‘shove Steel Venom where the sun don’t shine.’ That’s a nice thought, to worry about the paint fading because the ride’s right out in the hot sun, although it’s really a bit impractical since we can’t move it. And lots of people said this park is ‘really, really bad.’ We all know that ‘bad’ actually means ‘good’ to these hip youngsters, so we can tell they like our other rides quite a bit. And there was the nice young lady who told me ‘up yours;’ certainly we’re glad she’ll be so excited to zoom ‘up ours’ when it finally opens and she gets to come and hand over her full admission a second time!”