Monday, May 15, 2006

Investigative Report: Why Hollywood B-Listers at Tatsu?

In a shocking -- shocking, we tell you! -- turn of events, Six Flags Magic Mountain premiered their lastest coaster to Hollywood B-listers as opposed to the usual bunch of enthusiasts.

Why? Why? For the love of all handouts, why? We could think of only a few reasons...

  • They avoid paparazzi from real press; no need to invent 'press credentials' of their own
  • Names are at least recognizable to a few folks, occasionally even both parents
  • Velvet ropes more elegant than barbed wire needed to corral enthusiast herds
  • Most of them actually fit in ride restraints
  • They can 'act' like they're having a good time
  • Actually prefer rideops don't talk to them
  • No ponderous trip reports involving potty breaks and bodily emisisons six days before their visit
  • Two words: Back hair
  • Less likely to stuff free food in back pockets and/or cheek pouches, while simultaneously bitching about its quantity
  • Prefer zombielike actors to drooling Coaster Zombies
  • Paris Hilton can't even spell 'trim brake'

Love the Coasters, But Please Don't Love the Coasters

In a recent and perplexing announcement, a coaster enthusiast wrote an open letter in which he announced that he was leaving his longtime "darling" Raven for a new, upgraded model called The Voyage. "It's just like all those celebrities," said relationship expert Dr. Martin Van Buren IX. "They have these wives who stayed with them all those years of hardship and financial desperation, supporting them and caring for them no matter what, and then the instant they get famous, the loyal spouse gets bagged for some filthy succubus like Angelina Jolie or a science experiment gone horribly awry, like Pamela Anderson. It appears to be a similar situation with these Holiday World rides. Except, um, creepier."

"Way creepier," he added. "And kinda gross."

The "creepiness" component comes from the intimate, sometimes sexually charged way in which the enthusiast refers to an inanimate hunk of wood. Within the letter, the enthusiast utters such proclamations as "Our wonderful days together, our wild nights - what we have had was special, and I always thought it would last forever," "I'm sorry, my dear, but you no longer excite me as once you did," and "I hope that we can still be friends, and that I can stop by and visit sometimes, but in all other ways, our ship has sailed."

"So he's basically a slut," said ACE member Dustin McCracken, 33. "He freely announces to the world that he ditched a lover and shacked up with another one. If I were an unfaithful slattern, and I'm not, you better believe I'd go slink off into a corner and pray for forgiveness instead of blogging about it and showing off my whore-ness to untold millions. Well, dozens, anyway. And what if Raven decides to respond and make fun of him as revenge for airing their private intimacies in a public forum? What filthy, dirty secrets will be revealed about this enthusiast, I wonder?"

McCracken ended the interview by mentioning that he was available any time Raven needed him for sympathy, a shoulder to cry on, or a "good mercy f*ck," at which point this reporter called the police.

"It's a pretty disturbing letter," said noted psychological researcher Dr. Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III. "First of all, does this man think anyone is concerned with his infidelities?" asked Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III. "Bragging about his new conquests is certainly not going to gain him respect, and in fact may inspire thoughts of hatred and vengeance from the spurned lover instead of enabling him to end an intense sexual association somewhat amicably. He should have just broken things off privately and calmly instead of bringing in all this drama."

"Of course," said the doctor, "this all obscures something even more disturbed and twisted in this enthusiast's mind: he obviously thinks that these two inanimate wooden structures are capable of communicating with him, hearing his words, and reading his letters on a computer. Indeed, he thinks each of the rides is a woman with whom he has had sexual congress; it is quite likely he believes that each has reciprocated his feelings, has derived pleasure from having his warm ass upon them thousands of times, and that one might be jealous of the attentions another pile of lumber may or may not receive. My official, clinical diagnosis is that this man is a gibbering wackaloon."

Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III added that all the seats on the trains for both rides could do with a "good mopping, just in case," but admitted this was more of a housekeeping tip than an official medical statement.

According to some reports, the enthusiast's open letter caused a number of readers become physically ill, resulting in the loss of at least one computer keyboard due to vomit damage. Additionally, the discussion thread was named the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.