Thursday, September 30, 2004

Relentless Protests Greet Kingda Ka Announcement

According to Six Flags Great Adventure representatives, all they wanted for next season was to open a blatant copy of another ride that works about ten percent of the time, except make it a little higher and give it shoulder restraints to make it excrutiatingly painful. They thought they had found that with Intamin's Kingda Ka, but SFGRAD has been deluged with a monumental storm of protest over the ride's name.

"It's bad enough that all these stupid coaster enthusiasts are already bitching that our new coaster will cause foot-deep bruises in their collarbones," said park rep Joseph Stallworth. "Now we're getting all sorts of other complaints just about the name of the ride!"

Among the protestors are various religious and cultural groups. Hindus have made known their displeasure with the inclusion of the word "Ka" in the ride's name, as "Ka," aside from being a word one can use to describe what cannot be properly described or expressed, is also the name of the Hindu god Brahma in one of his forms.

"They also complained that the only restaurant we planned to have open anywhere near the ride was our new Hindu-themed beef-on-a-stick place," Stallworth added. "What's up with that?"

Ancient Egyptians have also stepped forward to announce their disapproval. "The ka is a spirit double inside each person from the time they are born," said noteworthy former pharaoh Maatkara Hatshepsut. "Gods could possess them and offerings were made to them after the death of their host bodies. An amusement park that cheapens the meaning of the term 'ka' is just asking for a deadly curse. Don't f*** with the pharaoh, bitches."

Additionally, a group called the Dayton Area Korean Association (DAKA) sent several members to complain that Six Flags had stolen the name of their organization's leader. "I don't know about that one," said Stallworth. "I strongly doubt that an elected office-holder for a small organization is known as 'King' DAKA to anyone. 'President' or 'Chairman' or 'Bob' all seem more likely."

DAKA noted that it would continue to feature a webpage with an irritating pink "Welcome" traveling cursor until their message was heard by Six Flags officials.

Finally, Jiangyan City Kingda Co., Ltd. sent a letter informing Six Flags of its intention to file suit over a trademark infringement on its name. In a statement clearly drawn up by the Kingda Company's employee responsible for creating its online advertisement (featuring such information as "[o]ur factory is product needle roller bearings series, our quatity control system is is o9002. We coprate with college and technologic unit, well equipped with superior production equipment, perfect checkup and testing method."), Kingda Company notes that "Sex Flug useing are nem ill eagley we willtak yo to curt unit!"

Stallworth admitted that officials from both Six Flags, Inc., as well as from Great Adventure itself, would be holding emergency discussions about Kingda Ka and the protests early tomorrow morning. Although Stallworth refused to comment directly on the matter to ARN&R , there has been some speculation that the park will seek to stave off the massive wave of bad publicity and possible legal action by changing the name of the ride, in spite of any costs this might incur. Please stay tuned to ARN&R, as we will report on any further breaking Kingda Ka news as it develops.

--JCK/Grand Poobah
10 Month-Old Consultant Impresses Six Flags Board

In his tapioca-stained Elmo underoos, Chance Dixon, Jr. could pass for any other toddler. But when he crawls into the Six Flags boardroom...things are a little different.

Dixon’s capital expenditure choices continue to create waves. Widely credited for inspiring Hurricane Harbor by drooling on a Great America brochure, he seems to top himself with every move.

“Kingda Ka was the perfect name for our latest coaster!” raved Kieran Burke, pausing to check the tape on his own adult-sized diaper. “And the family attractions BlaLaLaa, Pfffffffft and Uh-oh Poopy will be sure-fire smash hits as well.”

“Hell, we don’t even know what rides they’ll be yet,” he continued, spoon-scraping strained peas from his own lower lip back into his mouth. “But we’ll toss a few manufacturer’s catalogs in front of him and uh, let the oddly moist Cheerios fall where they may.”

“Ooh!” continued Burke after grunting heavily. “I made a solid one this time!”


Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Enthusiast Suffers Nervous Breakdown

Jim Taney, an enthusiast for several years, was arrested and committed today after not being able to withstand the pressure of choosing between incessantly playing a half-functional demo of the newest version of Roller Coaster Tycoon and constantly refreshing the homepage of Six Flags Great Adventure to find out the speed and height of their newest coaster, announced today.  

While Taney has already ridden Cedar Point's Top Thrill Dragster, a near-clone of the new ride, 223 times, family members recalled him frequently calculating track lengths required for various heights and speeds of rocket coasters, as well as writing and crossing out 420 repeatedly.  Police found no evidence of drugs in Taney's possession.  

"He kept muttering something about a track length not being long enough, and something about the end of the world if Six Flags takes Cedar Point's record," said Taney's brother, the star quarterback at the local high school.  I really didn't understand any of it, or care.  It's been sunny and 70 degrees for five days straight. I've been outside. I try to stay away from my brother as much as possible."

When the half-functional demo of Roller Coaster Tycoon 3 was released on Monday, Taney reportedly blew off work at Burger King, his mother's birthday and his first date in five years to play the game.  On Wednesday morning at approximately 5:00 a.m., he was seen running around his neighborhood in underwear and a cape screaming "420!  3D!  450!  Atari!  120!  140!  I
don't know!"  Police were able to catch up with Taney easily as his three-hundred pound frame was jammed in the gate of his neighbor's fence.

Taney's only written statement was destroyed by spilled gravy, his only request once incarcerated and calmed down.


Monday, September 27, 2004

Pinfari Begins New Ad Campaign

Inspired by the widely adored and supremely clever Coors "Cold Hard Facts" advertising blitz, roller coaster company Pinfari has begun a new campaign touting the frostiness of their company's products.

"Other companies heat pasteurize their kiddie coasters," bellows one ad. "But Pinfari frost brews their Big Apple ride at five degrees Kelvin to lock in whimsy and fun."

"Most companies ship their coasters in a warm truck or train," yells another. "But Pinfari refrigerates its trains and trucks to keep your RC-50 cold. Pinfari! The coolest coasters around."

"Much as Coors touts its supreme frostiness rather than its putrid, skunky taste and urine-like smell, Pinfari is seeking to highlight unusual and unimportant aspects of its coaster distribution process," noted one representative from Bolliger & Mabillard. "No one cares if Abita Turbodog, Newcastle, or Guinness are frost brewed because they don't taste like muskrat spraint. Similarly, no one cared whether Hulk was shipped in a giant tanker coated in ice. Real coaster companies don't need to come up with stupid gimmicks to push their product."

Six Flags Magic Mountain Reveals X-Treme Ride Update

Los Angeles, CA: "It's the Russian Roulette of thrill rides!" say the promotional materials sent to the media.

The X-Treme X-perience of Thrill Shot at Six Flags Magic Mountain is about to get scarier. In an effort to attract more hardcore thrill seekers, the ride is being re-designed and will be launched in January 2005 as "Kill Shot."

"Plummeting downwards toward earth made you think you were going to hit the ground," said a Six Flags PR person at an exclusive press conference. "But in the back of riders' minds, they knew they were safe. What kind of extreme ride experience is that? With the addition of the fifth "death cycle" there is now a one-in-five chance that people will actually hit the ground and die." At the end of the press conference, none of the attending media wished to ride the new cycle.

Said the PR staffer, "You guys are a bunch of pussies."


Saturday, September 25, 2004

Hersheypark Fence-Removal Plan Draws Ire

Hersheypark has announced plans to remove an old wooden fence and replace it with a more modern steel fence. Upon hearing of the removal, several enthusiasts have written angry letters to the park and sparked many debates on internet message boards.

"I think it's disgraceful the way these parks are destroying the atmosphere of the classic amusement park. How many more fences will fall before the entire world is just full of fences with no character, no history? I know I will certainly be crying uncontrollably every time I pass by the fence's former site," said enthusiast Carl Tanner.

Other enthusiasts angrily posted on message boards from their easy chairs about the need to band together, and demand that the park maintain the old fence, rather than tear it out "for no apparent reason." The Wooden Fence Preservation Club has been formed in light of the incident.

When interviewed about the reaction, one Hersheypark official had this to say: "It's just a f***ing fence! We have ten coasters and someone's complaining about a fence?"Another park official mentioned that the fence was so old, the entire thing was falling down, and could have released a mudslide that would have blocked the entrance gate.

Tom Hough, who has never actually been to Hersheypark, has pledged to boycott the park until such time as two, or perhaps even three, fences of the same vintage are replaced at the park. "I just can't sit here and do nothing. I mean, really, is attendance going to be affected that much by having a steel fence instead of a wooden one? I have figures from seven different parks that put in wooden fences and saw bigger attendance jumps than those that put in steel." When it was pointed out that the "parks" were public parks and not amusement parks, Hough wet himself.


Friday, September 24, 2004

Rolucster Vare Good!

There are those who feel it isn't really nice when we make fun of children.

Our response? We aren't nice.

But, more importantly, when children create a website announcing such illuminating thoughts as "I MADE A ROLUCSTER IN CAMP" and "CAMP IS VARE GOOD I LIKE WEN WE DID THE ROLER COSTERE!" it's okay to make fun of children. Or, at the very least, the teachers who let them play with Borax and glue immediately before vainly attempting to write coherent sentences for a website (at least according to one writer on the webpage).

By the way, we're more than a little disturbed by one of the kids talking about how "I like the Fist Day." What the hell kind of camp is this, anyway?

Thus, our Site O' the Weak: BETR Kids Science Camp Newsletter.

Geauga Lake Plans New Ride For 2005 Near "The Dominator"

Geauga Lake has given ARN&R a sneak peek at the plans for their new ride in 2005. Called "The Submissive," this underground ride is a combination dark and water ride, with guests inhabiting a flume-like boat. With a taboo-breaking, state of the art, restraint system and some of the most extensive theming in Ohio since the Tombraider ride at Paramount's Kings Island, "The Submissive" will be quite a challenge for the manufacturer, Sally Interactive.

One of the most interesting elements of this ride will be its location. In one of the most novel ride installations in memory, "The Submissive" will be laid underneath "The Dominator," and will be almost entirely underground, with various small sections rising up to intersect with the 200-foot B&M floorless. John Kinzle, ride engineer at Sally Interactive, spoke to ARN&R about how the 2 rides will interact.

"We hope for 'The Dominator' to enter 'The Submissive' as many times as physically possible. During its course, we'd like to make it so that 'The Dominator' enters 'The Submissive' in many different ways, including the rear (of the station) and the mouth (of the tunnel)."

"The Submissive's" plans also include being penetrated by other nearby rides, but mainly "The Submissive's" plans deal with multiple penetrations by "The Dominator."

Kinzel is also hopeful about the progress of construction. "We've broken ground on numerous other rides in Ohio without incident, so we feel it's going to be extremely quick and easy to break "The Submissive."

Stay tuned to ARN&R for more details on this fascinating new ride.


Thursday, September 23, 2004

SFOG Finds New Ways To Infuriate Guests, Cleverly Foiling "Stop Infuriating Park Guests" Corporate Memo

With the park season winding down, it's time at Six Flags corporate headquarters to reward those parks that have gone "above and beyond" in the pursuit of alienating customers. In this tight and competitive race, Six Flags Over Georgia makes their pitch in this verbatim transcript of a high-level meeting:

"Well, in a nutshell, it was tough to alienate people this year," reports SFOG's General Manager Tim Davis. "A corporate memo came out at the start of the season explicitly telling us not to infuriate or annoy our guests. Not only that, but it listed in the memo numerous practices long held dear at Six Flags parks that were now banned. Practices like employees spitting on guests, paying children to throw rocks at passing coasters, encouraging rampant line cutting, permitting metric tons of feces to collect in the bathrooms without cleaning them, and, of course, our favorite, running single train operation on coasters when the park is at 80% capacity or below. These were all now banned behaviors."

"With that memo specifically telling us not to run single train operation, a lot of us in the SFOG head office were quite concerned as to how to properly annoy our guests with our hands tied like this. Thank God, Jim Brewer in maintenance had a solution."

"What Jim pointed out, and I’m still awestruck by his brilliance, was that the memo demanded we run multi-train operation, but said nothing about the train having to be occupied."

"So, we immediately implemented a rule -– whenever a coaster was in danger of not having a line, operators should immediately begin dispatching one train empty. Ride operators should continue doing this until the park closes, reassuring our guests that at SFOG, you can always be guaranteed of a line that leaves the station."

"But wait! Here’s the kicker! We then gave our employees a list of reasons that were completely absurd as to why we do this. We ask the employee to choose his own favorite, or just switch 'em around as the day progresses. The reasons are completely different, but share one element in common -– they make absolutely no sense."

Reasons employees were instructed to give out included:

• "If we don’t do this, the ride won’t have a line."
• "I dunno."
• "I just do what my boss tells me."
• "They don’t want trains to stack."
• "It’s better for the coaster this way."

Davis concluded, "So, thanks to a last minute save, we were able to continue infuriating guests."

Asked what SFOG would do if their ingenious practice was included in the next "Stop Infuriating Park Guests" corporate memo, Davis replied, "I’ll be honest with you. I’m not sure. But rest assured we’ll figure out something. We have a creative team, and we’re dedicated to doing whatever it takes to annoy a substantial amount of our customers every year."


Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Enthusiast Haiku
An ARN&R Exclusive

Robert Johnson, an avid coaster enthusiast who posts as GForcejin on CoasterBuzz, will be releasing a self-published book of haiku poems concerning being a roller coaster enthusiast. The book is to be available via the third or fourth pop-up ads on both CoasterBuzz and Screamscape at the end of this month.  Additionally, visitors to Ultimate Rollercoaster will, for their convenience, have the book automatically ordered for them and placed on their credit card via spyware.

Johnson has been kind enough to give ARN&R a preview of the work, titled Screaming in 5-7-5, the Ups and Downs of a Coaster Fanatic.  Johnson recently sat down with ARN&R and explained why this project is so special to him.  “What has made this project so magical is that it combines three of my greatest passions -- exhibiting the misery of my tortured soul, my love of complaining about amusement parks, and my mildly creepy obsession with everything Japanese.”

Here’s a preview of some selected haiku:

Six Flags Refreshment
Thirsty, so thirsty
Where are the water fountains?
Soda?  $4.50

Magic Mountain
Miles of concrete hell
Ride operators don’t care
If I live or die

Millenium Force
This slack rule be damned!
My kingdom for just an inch!
“No,” replies my gut.


Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Paul Hogan Relieved of Duty at Boomerang Bay

Officials at Paramount’s Great America in Santa Clara, California announced today that Paul Hogan has been asked to leave the park. In addition the Australian theming from the waterpark was removed.

Public Relations Director Mark Gazziele was closed-mouthed about the issue, but did issue a press release to ARN&R. It read:

“We at Paramount’s Great America are sorry to let Mr. Paul Hogan go. While we appreciated his efforts we felt he did not quiet understand the concepts of 'sobriety' and 'clothing' well enough to keep him on staff. In addition, our repeated requests for him to stop playing Midnight Oil and Men at Work in the waterpark were ignored. We wish Mr. Hogan the best of luck in his future endeavors.”

As of this morning the park still had Mr. Hogan on its website but said that his image will be gone shortly and all of his feces will be dredged from the kiddie pool.

When reached this morning, Mr. Hogan said nothing as he was passed out in a pile of his own sick.

ARN&R has learned that the drunken Australian often went around the waterpark holding his man unit in front of women saying, “Now this is a knife.” Apparently most of the guests did not take kindly to a throbbing Hogan while trying to play in the wave pool.

An announcement of the new theme is expected soon. Currently’s “Wild Rumors” section is abuzz with rumors that the waterpark will be themed to “Police Academy 5 - Assignment Miami Beach." Enthusiasts are already calling it another creative gem for Paramount Parks.


Sunday, September 19, 2004

Park Visitor Confused by Strange Blue Tint to Sky

Rye Playland visitor Reggie Harrison, 41, was extremely confused by what he described as a "weird blue discoloration" to the sky during his visit to the park Sunday.

"It was pretty creepy," he told ARN&R. "Instead of the natural dark grey or jet black colors that everyone knows the sky should be, it was this freaky blue color. Sky blue, even. And there was this nasty yellow-orange thing up there shining down on us. What the f*ck as that thing? It was totally messed up and just was really scaring me. I actually called the local news station and they said some other people had called in about the terrifying blue color of the sky, and they would look into it."

Harrison also noted that the "soothing horizontal moisture" that he was accustomed to experiencing every single day of the entire 2004 summer was notably absent on Sunday, leading to his concern that drought might be imminent in much of the country.


Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Six Flags Magic Mountain Suspends Service of Fugu Two Days After Debut
Casualty Count Still Unavailable

Food Etc., a food stand in the "Colossus County Fair" section of Six Flags Magic Mountain, has suspended service of fugu just two days after the fish's debut at the sushi stand there. Though no casualty count is confirmed, it's suspected that at least two people are dead after ingesting the tasty new delicacy.

Magic Mountain General Manager Del Holland had this to say:

"Anyone who knows Magic Mountain's quality of ride operations, food standards, and employee training easily knows the that our park has no negligent role in this tragedy." Holland stated, "There appears, actually, to be a problem with the supplier. Apparently, while they were supposed to deliver the rare and exotic delicacy of fugu to be served at our Food Etc. stand for the low and competitive price of $400 a plate, they instead delivered us an incredibly poisonous blowfish of some nature. Rest assured that this will work its way out in litigation, and we at Six Flags offer our deepest sympathies to all the victims of this erroneously-served food."

When it was explained to the General Manager that fugu is, in fact, an incredibly poisonous blowfish that requires a specially trained and licensed chef to prepare or else causes the painful death of anyone that ingests it, Mr. Holland paused to digest the information, then emitted the careful reply of "Oh shit."


Saturday, September 11, 2004

SLC Was Just a Practical Joke, Says Former Designer

The Vekoma Suspended Looping Coaster, a design cloned at scores of amusement parks worldwide, was just a pratical joke, says a former designer at the firm.

"Yeah, I was just horsing around with the boys," indicated Theodore van Bentheusen, 50, a former employee at Vekoma. "We were all trying to come up with a ride, and kept getting stuck without any useful concepts, and it was getting pretty grim and depressing after a few weeks of that. I figured I'd lighten the mood by cracking funny, so I threw together some plans for this ridiculous thing I called an 'SLC' in about five minutes and submitted it to the rest of the design team."

"It was really an amazingly funny prank I played," said van Bentheusen. "Simply the most idiotic coaster design ever. Anyone who rode one of those things would come off with cranial damage so severe they wouldn't remember their own name! I was snickering openly the whole time I was writing the proposal, so I was very proud of myself for keeping a straight face when I turned it in. I mean, it was hilarious seeing the rest of the guys wasting hours thoughtfully poring over the designs for something no one would ever possibly want to build!"

Sadly, none of the rest of the design team or management at Vekoma noticed that van Bentheusen's SLC, now known affectionally by coaster enthusiasts as a "Hang 'n' Bang," was actually a practical joke. Instead, the company rushed the model into production, and dozens of eager park owners fell all over each other trying to buy one or more of the contraptions for their establishments.

"A couple years ago, I had this other really great idea for a prank to play," said a wistful van Bentheusen. "I figured it would be hysterical to submit a design for this ride where the passengers bend over, and then this long barbed pole gets rammed deep into their anus, and then they go zooming around on a high-speed, rough coaster course filled with inversions while supported only by that barbed pole shoved up their ass. But then I remembered how everyone took my last prank seriously, and I didn't want to be responsible for unleashing more pain on the world."


Friday, September 10, 2004

Busch Gardens Tampa to Offer New Midway Game

Busch Gardens Tampa Bay announced yesterday that it would be opening a new combination attraction and midway game. The game, called "Hit the Alligator in the Head with a Donut," will be located where the alligators currently reside near the front of the park, and is being sponsored by Krispy Kreme.

"Everyone knows the alligators are completely unattended," said Busch spokesman Bruce McCulloch. "And since kids spend all day throwing turtle food and other foreign objects on the alligators' heads anyway, we figured we may as well make some money off it."

For $5, guests will now be able to receive 3 donuts which they may throw at the gators. If the guests are able to successfully hit the gators all three times, they will receive a prize of choice of either a tooth taken from a living alligator or an actual piece of alligator skin.

McCulloch further boasted the game continued BGT's parkwide goal of "creating animal attractions that are completely unattended by staff during the park day that showcase depressed, sickly looking animals in a dilapidated, unnatural, and poorly maintained surroundings."

10% of all proceeds, McCulloch concluded, will be donated to local animal shelters.


Thursday, September 09, 2004

SFOT Parking Signs to be Renamed

Six Flags Over Texas has recently made a commitment, as part of improving the guest experience, to rename the signs in their parking lot. The new signs, which will replace the letter/number system currently used by most Six Flags parks, are hoped to more accurately reflect the parking situation in the park that day.

The new names for the signs, in order of their proximity to the park, are:

Holy Shit, How Early Did You Wake Up, Freak!
Someone Got Lucky!
You're Not That Far Away
Well, Someone Woke Up A Half Hour Late!
Um... You're Kind of Far
Dude, You're Far Away
Dude, You're Very Far Away
Dude, You're Very, Very Far Away
Wow, You're Really Far Away
Hope Grandma Got A Wheelchair Handy!
Can You Even See the Park?

with the final, rather lengthy sign stating:

Are you sure you want to come to the park today? It's really, really crowded. Might we recommend you go to a ball game instead? It's actually closer to your car right now than the park.


Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Amusement Park Detective At It Again

Brian Eggeland, 41, of Plonsky, Pennsylvania was overheard by this ARN&R reporter making a shocking discovery while at Cedar Point last weekend.

Eggeland was standing under what appeared to be rock in the passageway in Frontierland. However, Eggeland showed his family that looks in a theme park such as Cedar Point can, in fact, be quite deceiving.

"See?" said Eggeland, knocking loudly on the exterior. "It's hollow!" he cried, "Totally fake!" Eggeland's family's reaction to this amazing discovery ranged from complete disinterest from his children to moderate embarrassment from his wife.

The material in question, which looks indistinguishable from actual rock to many four-year-olds and the blind, was successfully debunked by Professor Eggeland, who would later on prove conclusively that Snoopy is, in fact, just some underpaid teenager in a suit and that Disaster Transport is not actually a trip either from or to Alaska.


Monday, September 06, 2004

Legoland California Receives Unexpected Units

Tim Johanson, Legoland California’s General Manager, wasn’t sure what to make of his most recent shipment. Monday morning, his park got a truckload full of gigantic dildos. They were plastic penises of all sizes, some with balls and some with a simple shaft.

“I have never seen anything quite like a 4-foot penis,” Johanson said as he stood in awe. “I mean, that is just one gigantic pecker. Jesus, that’s big.”

After returning to his office Johanson tracked down the mix-up. In May he ordered additional theming supplies for the park’s new Dino Island section. The exhibit was to be called Dino-Rama, but apparently some sloppy note taking resulted in the arrival of sex apparel for a new Dildo-Rama section.

Tina Adams, one of the proprietors of Good Vibrations, a nationally known adult toy store, said she felt the order was a bit odd when she got the call from Roger Roberts, the head of the consulting group brought in by LegoLand. “I was wondering why a guy would call and talk about theming with me, but an order is an order. I can build dildos any size a customer needs. We just never thought we would mold a penis fit for Queen Kong. I thought about asking someone if we were doing the right thing, but since Southern California is the porn capital of the country I thought they were building a new kind of theme park.”

Back at Legoland Johanson tried to fit the dildos into the scenery. “We used them as palm trees, we made them into warriors’ spears and even created a stegosaurus out of dildos. Sure, it was fun to see kids playing on the ‘Dildosaurus’ but some of the parents got apprehensive. I guess they just don’t think a child speeding down a 10-foot dong is good wholesome fun. It’s not like they were in any danger -- the balls gently stopped the kids at the bottom of the slide.”

One of the most ingenious applications was turning an ejaculating penis into a Whitewater West Rain Fortress, but the park had to take it out because it only “poured water” once every few hours on a good day.

Despite the bizarre application the large one-eyed trouser snakes got some kudos from the amusement industry. The park won a Golden Ticket Award for “Best Use Of A Choad” and insightful industry veteran Paul Ruben called the display “simply breathtaking.”

Johanson looks forward to future installations but says he will watch over things with a closer eye. “I think we’ll have to be a little more careful with 2005’s new planned 4-d show ‘Fun With Felines,’” the tired GM said.


Friday, September 03, 2004

Dark Ride Electrocuted Guy To Be Replaced

Dark ride manufacturers across the country announced yesterday that Electrocuted Guy, appearing in virtually every dark ride in the nation, will immediately be replaced by an animatronic Sen. Zell Miller (D-GA).

"Man, we watched that dude at the Republican National Convention, and he was just batshit crazy," said Sally Rides spokesman Mark Gaudio. "My dog was cowering in the corner whimpering and my eight-year-old hasn't slept in the 36 hours since the speech. He just keeps muttering, 'Those eyes! Those terrible eyes!'"

Gaudio said that Sally technicians were already hard at work with what he called "the most challenging stunt we've ever tackled." Among the difficulties are creating enough facial expressions to recreate Miller's complex facial contortions while ensuring that his hands do not move more than a centimeter. Gaudio confided that the company is considering adding slight bits of foam at the corners of Miller's mouth.

Miller, who as a nominal Democrat was considered a coup for the Republican convention, is also being considered by a number of companies that create Halloween events. "We're considering dumping Brutal Planet and just doing Zell Hell," said Six Flags spokeswoman Wendy Reidster. "Room after room of him. Especially if we have video of him back when he said John Kerry was an 'authentic hero' and 'a good friend' playing in the queue. That'll really mess with people!"

ARN&R was unable to confirm reports that Miller was in negotiations with Universal to become the new mascot for Halloween Horror Nights at the company's Orlando parks.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

The Chain That Cried Wolf

In a unique twist, Six Flags executives have found their nuts swinging in the wind due to telling the truth.

“Ever since we bought Six Flags we have used ‘bad weather’ as an excuse for declining attendance,” said Kieran Burke, Six Flags CEO. “But this year it is true. A lot of parks have actually had rain...a lot of rain.”

Granted, Six Flags parks still have pay-to-cut programs, filthy bathrooms and rides that aren’t ready to open until 3 pm, but this year Mother Nature was a real bitch to the international amusement park chain.

“Nya, we have had a lot of water this year,” said Bugs Bunny, one of the chain’s contracted mascots. “All of the people using their twenty dollar season passes had a hard time coming to see me,” noted the waskily wabbit as he downed a fifth of Jack.

Burke said that every year the bad weather excuse has worked, but this year he very felt reluctant to whip it out again. “Our investors are pretty dumb, but I didn’t think they would buy the same excuse for yet another year,” he opined.

As this author writes, groups of General Mangers are creating new excuses for low attendance, such as:

- Herpes Spread by Toilets

- Roving White Suburban Gangs (That Listen to the Black Man’s Music)

- Fears That Al-Qaida Infiltrated the Falafel Stand

- Whores & Crack Addicts in the Gotham City Sewer System

Tempers and anxiety are rearing their ugly heads at the Oklahoma City headquarters. Empty packets of Immodium AD and Pepto-Bismol are strewn about on the floor and just last week two secretaries started bitch slapping one another for no apparent reason.

But Burke, holed away with his calculator and budgets, didn’t appear worried. He quietly said, “We’ve had no profits since we started this company. Why start now?”


Wednesday, September 01, 2004

"More Appropriate" New Mascots Debut at Disney

Visitors to Disney parks around the globe today were surprised to find that every one of Disney's legendary park mascots had been removed from the parks. Replacing them were a number of new characters designed, in the words of one Disney representative, "to better display our company's wholesome, family-friendly image in the most appropriate way possible."

"While we are already receiving some complaints from visitors about how they always wanted to meet and greet with Pooh or Mickey or Goofy, we're sure that everyone will come to love our new special characters in no time," said the rep. "Our main concerns were that the old characters were getting boring and stagnant, and, more importantly, that there was a perception that some of the characters were unwholesome.

"Although it was proven that Tigger didn't touch anyone inappropriately, there are always these rumors about Mickey getting drunk and Minnie whoring herself out in the parking lot after Illuminations. That sort of thing. These new mascots are far more appropriate for theme parks aimed at children."

The new "ringmaster" and central mascot for Disney, taking over from Mickey, will be Satan. Character actors dressed as Lucifer will stake out the entrance plazas at each park.

"Everyone loves Satan," said the rep. "This morning, all the parents and children have been screaming with delight as this fun-loving character threatens to drag them to hell and eat their still-beating hearts in front of them while their flesh slowly boils and maggots burrow through their brains."

"People have responded particularly well to Safari Satan at Animal Kingdom," he added.

But Satan is not the only child-friendly figure appearing at the revamped parks. Chucky, Iron Maiden's Eddie, Prom-Night Carrie and the Stephen King's It will all wander the parks giving autographs and engaging in wacky fun with youngsters. And, in a logical move, the former Mickey's Toontown Fair and other official character greet areas will be converted to Frank the Bunny's Apocalyptic Visions of the Future Character Breakfast Area.

"Nothing screams 'adorable' like the giant, demonic rabbit from Donnie Darko," said the Disney rep. "The kids'll love it. The kids'll just love it."

The rep also admitted that other mascots were considered. "We were really leaning toward using Corey Haim and Corey Feldman," he notes, "and we wouldn't have to even hire people to portray them, since they probably could use the work. But ultimately we thought they might be a little scary for some of the younger children who visit Disney parks."

The rep refused to comment on whether Pamela Anderson or Michael Jackson were still in contract negotiations with Disney to join the new group of mascots.