Thursday, January 26, 2006

Six Flags Debuts New Proposal: "Forced Re-Entry"

Following the dismal failure of their proposed "no re-entry" plan, Six Flags has countered with an idea that appears to go in the opposite direction: "forced re-entry."

Faced with market data that shows that most consumers do not return for subsequent visits after one trip to their notoriously poorly maintained, overpriced and understaffed parks, Six Flags has decided to offer a "forced re-entry" discount for park goers who are arriving at the gates for the first time.
Unsuspecting first time park visitors will be offered a $15 discount -- reducing most one-day park passes to around $65 (or $20 with a Jolt Cola can) -- and a free meal at "Del Rio Waffle Cone" so long as they sign a contract obligating them to return to Six Flags at one other point during the season. In the likely event that the park-goer swears to never return to a Six Flags park after his or her nightmarish day of closed rides; multiple hour wait times; rude and psychotic employees; and absurdist "theming" that bears a remarkable resemblance to miles of pavement, graffiti, and garbage; the contract will be fulfilled by having several of the Six Flags security staff going to the park-goer's home later in the season and forcing that person's family, most likely with physical violence, to return to the park with the order to "have fun." Faced with such an impossible task, Six Flags is predicting a suicide rate for "forced re-entry" guests of approximately 75%, but, on the upside, only after the family has paid for the second day's re-admission and is already in the park and has likely been forced to purchase at least one meal.

Six Flags hopes this new "forced re-entry" plan will work as well as it did for the Washington Redskins, who implemented the plan in the mid-nineties, leading to a 32% increase in late season attendance and a 15% rise in per capita suicide rates for the District of Columbia.