Monday, March 14, 2005

Travel Advisory Sent to ECC, RCCGB

A representative of the American Coaster Enthusiasts has recently sent an urgent travel advisory to members of the European Coaster Club and the Roller Coaster Club of Great Britain, urging them to exercise great caution during their travels this August. The notice was sent immediately upon word reaching the ACE Executive Committee that a regular ARN&R writer would be visiting British theme parks for the first time.

"This is bloody awful news," sniveled British coaster enthusiast Chauncy Butterworth, 15. "Whilst I expected nothing but a bit of a lark at Chessington with my lads this summertime, now we must remain vigilant that we do nothing which would cause this writer to take the piss out of us if he spies us." Butterworth then unselfconsciously rooted around in his left nasal cavity with his thumbnail for several minutes.

The ACE message reads as follows:

Dear Coaster Enthusiast Brethren:

We are writing to alert you to a distressing matter that requires prompt attention. European coaster enthusiasts should be aware that ACE has issued an Urgent Travel Advisory for the entirety of Great Britain for the month of August, 2005. The reason for this advisory is that we of ACE have learned that a writer for the abominable amusement park satire website known as Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors is planning to visit parks in England sometime in August. While ECC and RCCGB have only occasionally been targets of the cruel satire performed by this website, and ACE has taken the brunt of the damage, we feel this is merely because the writers have seen so many more ACErs up close and personal. For this reason, we recommend that coaster enthusiasts based in Europe do not leave their homes for the entire month of August. If you must visit a park, please shower beforehand, use deodorant, wipe the gravy and spotted dick globs off your Megaphobia T-shirt, and avoid speaking in public. Additionally, if you spot this writer, do not approach him or attempt to communicate your rolling stock preferences to him in any way. You have been warned.

The Executive Junta of the American Coaster Enthusiasts

According to sources who wished to remain anonymous, the ARN&R writer will be in the country primarily to visit the family of his British girlfriend, not to ride coasters, and thus the danger to RCCGB and ECC members may be lessened from ACE's original estimates. At the current time, according to the source, only Blackpool will definitely be visited this trip, along with perhaps Alton Towers or Thorpe Park, depending entirely on the time available. Allegedly, the girlfriend also has described Blackpool as "the Alabama of England" and "a complete hellhole," meaning that the time budgeted for viewing and mercilessly taunting coaster enthusiasts may be more limited than the writer might have hoped.

Finally, enthusiasts planning on venturing to Blackpool in August would do well to spend the entire day on Valhalla, as the writer's girlfriend was allegedly overheard telling him, "I'm not getting wet at fucking Blackpool."

To Hell With Their Dignity

Following a busy tour schedule in 2004 Stryper recently sat back and reflected with ARN&R on their illustrious career. Their datebook was packed full in 2004 with one Disney booking. With a concert scheduled at Rye Playland for the Jews for Jesus "Oy-Fest 2005" they have already equaled the number of events from last year.

After we prayed together (I prayed for that Bambi chick to be working a double shift at the Snatch Trap tonight while they mumbled something about salvation through Christ) brothers Michael and Robert Sweet rapped with me about Jesus, life and keeping it real. Michael said that although they are a washed up act with only one well-known song, he loves the roar of the crowd when Stryper (which stands for Salvation Through Redemption Yielding Peace, Encouragement and Righteousness, which in this reporter's eyes makes them pussies) takes the stage.

"It is such an awesome feeling," said Sweet. "You just get up there and you can feel the love of everyone in that room. I know God is rocking out with us. How could he not love a song called "To Hell With the Devil?!?" After I noted that God tends to not like ball-less vapid pop metal Sweet just smiled and told me to keep the faith.

For 2006 the group is hoping to book Six Flags over St. Louis' Old Glory Amphitheater, but doesn't know if they will be able to get the spot. "That venue is difficult to nail down sometimes," said guitarist Oz Fox. "We were hoping to tag it for '05, but Men Without Hats is having a reunion tour and it was just too hard for the park to juggle us both." We only hope that Stryper does get that job because everyone at ARN&R loves rocking with Jesus.

God Bless,