Monday, May 03, 2004

When Dinosaurs Were Pets

An article in last weekend’s New York Times provided an interesting springboard for this reporter and his column. After reading what crazy leftist Abby Goodnough said in her article about Kent Hovind’s “Dinosaur Adventure Land,” I knew I had to get the real word out on this hip Jesus theme park. Since evolution has been so badly misrepresented as fact by the liberal media it is good to see people like Mr. Hovind and George Bush himself backing the word of my homeboy, God.

Since the travel budget at AbsolutelyReliable Towers has been cut back for the summer season I decided to simply piggyback on Goodnough’s story and hopped on a Florida-bound Greyhound. After my bus broke down several times we pulled into the beautiful Orlando Bus station and I hitched a ride to Pensacola. You know what they say, “Ass, grass or gas.” Seeing as how I don’t smoke weed and had no cash on me I had to give a hummer to some guy named Jeb (he said he worked in government) for a ride.

With smiles on our faces he dropped me off at “Dinosaur Adventure Land.” Like a kid in a candy store I looked at the millions of dollars the park had spent on specialized rides. Exciting creations like the Vine Climb and Rubberband Shooting all demonstrate that guests can really tell when you give them mind-blowing rides to experience. Rumor Alert: I heard on Screamscape that the park is getting two board games for '05!

After getting my fill of excitement I sat down with Mr. Hovind for an exclusive ARN&R interview with this scientific genius. We talked about when we were each saved, how glad we are that the war against the infidels in Iraq is going so well and that finally we have an administration that looks to 1905 for inspiration instead of 2005. He was also kind enough to show me the park’s professional promotional video that his grandson made on his computer.

Hovind then took me to the new science center under construction. Here he hopes to assist others proving evolution wrong. We both laughed about the fact that so many people still believe that nature can evolve over millions of years. We are smart enough to know that, as many learned people have pointed out, evolution leads to a police state and killings. We concluded our session by praying for hours that God would strike down those wicked IRS agents for raiding the Reverend Hovind's home and business after discovering he had, in good Christian fashion, failed to pay taxes on millions of dollars of earnings.

I thanked Kent for his time and on my way out spoke with his general manager, Tim Berskin. Together we came up with some great Christ-centric amusement concepts we hope to see at IAAPA:

- Inflatable Cross Slide: Children can enjoy a fun ride while appreciating the mind-numbing pain Jesus went through to save their souls. If a kid is injured tell them they need to believe a little more before they give their fun to God.

- The Holy High-Striker: This utilizes the traditional High-Striker game. But, all you have to do is lightly tap the mallet on the lever. If God loves you he will ring the bell, but if not you’re going to hell.

- Passion of the Christ in 4-D: This will pick up where Universal Studios’ Shrek attraction left off. Having fake blood splatter on you, seeing a man writhe for hours only inches from your face and getting to spit on those pesky Jews will make you understand His suffering a little better.

- Hell Gate: Reviving an old attraction from Coney Island, this would allow families to ride together in a “Pirates of the Caribbean”-style attraction. Guests could see blasphemers like Charles Darwin, Helen Keller, Eugene Debbs and others writhe in eternal damnation. It promotes family time and lets kids see what God does when they upset Him.


[Editor's Note: Shortly after our intrepid reporter's Christlike visit to Dinosaur Adventure Land, the park's website evolved into the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.
Six Flags Preemptively Blames 2004 Results on Weather at SFWoA

This morning, Six Flags Inc. held a hastily-scheduled conference call to provide guidance on its financial results for 2004. In addition to the usual rundown of capital expenditures and advertising plans, CEO Gary Story said that the anticipated massive losses were attributable primarily to inclement weather in the northeastern part of Ohio.

"We expect that the occasional rain and moderate wind will result in yet another year of our Worlds of Adventure property failing to achieve expectations," said Story. "Unfortunately, that means another year of massive losses for which we can accept no blame or responsibility whatsoever."

In a written statement, Six Flags also noted that the weather at its European parks division was expected to be unpleasant, and also noted that the presence of French and Swedish people on the European continent could materially affect earnings.