Sunday, December 26, 2004
In keeping with spirit of the season, ARN&R sought out a story that would warm the cockles of our readers’ hearts. When we could not find that story I recalled a piece I read on the AP wire and decided just to talk to the same people they did. With my pride in my pocket I boarded a jet a few days before Christmas and headed to the state with the most unwanted pregnancies -- Texas.
Lone Star investor Wallace Westbrook is working on the final preparation stages of his dream, America’s Christmas Village. The property will consist of a wedding chapel, RV Park, time share homes and Capital Hill, which will consists of full-size recreations of each state’s governor’s mansion. It will be like a living, breathing Thomas Kincade painting, full of the same lust for a “simpler time” that existed only in Strom Thurmond’s mind.
I recently sat down with Westbrook and discussed his plans for turning Arkansas woodland into a way to earn money through Jesus. “We are very excited about the project,” Wallace beamed. “What we are doing has never been done before. Outside of Branson, where else in America can you be married, have your honeymoon in an RV and have breakfast with Santa Claus all in one place?”
What pleased Wallace most about the concept was the fact that America’s Christmas Village will be rooted in the spirit of Dickens’ Christmas classic A Christmas Carol. He said, “It is great because only the best part of Victorian society will be represented. We don’t worry about the 90% of the population that lived in abject poverty -- we prefer to concentrate on the 10% that could afford to have nice Christmases.”
Before we closed for the day, I asked Wallace about the overt homosexual tones found on his website. He pretended not to know what I was talking about, but Victorian fashion shows, Santa receiving a reach-around and Resident Bear “Father Christmas” all invoked a serious man-love overtone to me. While Wallace contended that there were no Gay Santas on-site, he said gays and lesbians were welcome as long as “they accepted Christ as their savior and made a charitable contribution to the park as a way to say ‘thank you’ for saving their souls.”
Wallace feels that God spoke to him after surgery to create Christmas Village. He said that the park will be filled with God’s love and reflect timeless wisdom found in the Bible, such as Psalm 137:9: “Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.”
Amen and Merry Christmas.
Friday, December 24, 2004
Merry Jesus Day loyal ARN&R readers! Yes it is FMB dropping the holidays like they are hot. If you have forgotten to buy something for that enthusiast who is special to you (or who is simply that nerdy neighbor that works on your computer in exchange for Hot Pockets) then the Fiftieth Annual Absolutely Reliable Gift Guide is right up your alley. Sit back, chill with some niz-og and watch as I spit my mad Christmas game.
5. Roller Coaster World.com Clock
Your beloved enthusiast has everything coaster-related. But, I bet they don't have a clock put together by meth-lab entrepreneurs doing their work-release program. Nothing quite says class like having a beautiful coaster clock hanging next to that Magnum XL-200 poster and above that sink full of dirty dishes. Looking for an investment? A coaster wall clock will only going to appreciate in value.
4. Back Hair Trimmer- Perfect for the Coaster Bear in your life:
3. Subscription to Thrillride!
Sure, 2.7 cents per-day is a lot of money, especially when you are living in your parents' basement on food stamps. However, unlike other subscription-based coaster websites Thrillride! is important. With the in-depth Wild Rumors and up-to-date content you can be sure that your enthusiast will be happier than a pig in shit.
2. Lighted Disney Jackets
Coaster couples love to show that they love one-another by wearing matching neon Indiana Beach shirts, embroidered hot pants and delicious ARN&R thongs [Ed. Notes: No flavor included]. But no two people can consider to be a pair unless they pick up some sassy Disney jackets. These beautifully embroidered jackets utilize the same space-age lighting technology found on train sets. Guys, scrap the diamond this year. If you want to get into her pants pick up these great declarations of love.
1. Living with Coasters
Forget Citizen Kane, the real cinematic genius is found in Paul Greenwald's 2003 release Living with Coasters. This work of art traces the history of the American Coaster Enthusiasts (ACE) from its founding by a few dateless losers to the bloated bureaucracy of dateless losers it is today. We see intimate shots of Paul on all fours in his bedroom, marathoning on Rebel Yell and watch as Kennywood Park laughs at its insurance adjusters by allowing enthusiasts to walk Thunderbolt as the train speeds by. If you have ever wanted to see why enthusiasts are not understood by people who get laid on a regular basis, be sure to pick this up!
Photos courtesy of MSR
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
With the holiday crunch upon us the Transportation Security Agency (TSA) has looked to new sources to fill the ranks of their incompetent workforce. Outgoing Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge said, “Traditionally we have pulled from a pool people not smart enough to work at Wal-Mart or McDonald’s. With the economy in the toilet and people staying at those jobs we have to branch out. Several amusement parks, notably Six Flags New England and Kentucky Kingdom, have just the kind of people we’re looking for.”
The official government term is “degree of sloth,” but in layman’s terms big brother is looking for slow, stupid people. Six Flags CEO Kieran Burke said he understands why the national government is turning to his employees. “When you need that unique combination of incompetence and slow-to-no movement one, with a healthy dollop of outright hostility, you’re hard-pressed to find anyone better than a Six Flags coaster crew. Our only concern is that they not forget some of our larger facilities like Magic Mountain. As we run everything at less than 50% capacity it is important to find new jobs for those ‘affected’ by cutbacks and government work is perfect for them.”
Steve Johansen, currently an X-ray specialist at Chicago’s O’Hare airport, spent a lot of time at some great training facilities. “Yup, I started out at Six Flags America, then moved to Busch Gardens’ Gwazi crew and ended up as Operations Director at Frontier City. I certainly know how to get things done quickly,” he laughed, with a small drop of drool slowly making its way down his chin.
There are many parallels between a career in parks and the TSA, such as low pay, long hours, irregular operating procedures and dealing with mullets on a regular basis, but the anti-literati take it all in stride. Standing under the TSA’s straight-out-of-the-Third-Reich logo of an eagle staring at nothing, Ridge proudly looked on at Washington’s Dulles airport. “Look at that line,” he exclaimed proudly, gesturing to a quarter-mile barely-moving line. “That’s what happens when you only hire the best.”
At that point Ridge excused himself to conduct a rectal exam.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
In light of recent indicents featuring hysterical laughter directed towards enthusiasts, ACE executive committee members are considering a proposal banning the use of "woodie" or "wood" when referring to wooden coasters.
"It's been a time-honored tradition of coaster enthusiasts to talk about how good it feels riding their favorite wood, or how many woodies they've ridden, or which woodie is the longest, but recently, inexplicable laughter has greeted many enthusiasts' comments, causing embarassment and spilled gravy," stated one beloved executive committee member speaking on the condition of anonymity.
One enthusiast's sister had this to say: "I love trying to get my brother to talk about wooden roller coasters, because he just rambles on about wood and woodies and gets the funniest dumbfounded look on his face when my friends and I begin laughing uncontrollably. I think he honestly doesn't get it."
The situation had come to a head (ahem) earlier this week when an enthusiast, nearly driven mad by not being able to increase his track record on kiddie coasters on account of cold and snow, suggested that a group of enthusiasts ban together to "give Cedar Point a virtual woodie." The reaction almost ended in two deaths from laughter and countless bellyaches.
The ACE proposal would encourage enthusiasts to use the term "wooden coaster" or "wooden roller coaster" to make themselves better understood in conversation. The proposal would also create a budget to increase enthusiast awareness that "woodie" is a slang term for a certain part of the male body in a certain condition. ACE will allow the continued use of the term "woodie" at internal, closed-door meetings only.
It is this reporter's belief that this is the only logical and sensible action -- one which actually might serve to advance the coaster enthusiast community -- to ever come from ACE. [Note: Gravy museums do not count.]
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
In a press conference today, Keiran Burke, Six Flags CEO, stated that rumors about Six Flags Magic Mountain checking into the well-known Betty Ford clinic for substance abuse were true. The announcement came after Burke had been hounded about the situation from concerned media for the past several weeks.
According to Burke, Six Flags Magic Mountain regressed into heroin, crack and sex addiction mere days after it was announced that Six Flags Great Adventure would be receiving the record-setting Kingda Ka roller coaster in 2005, while SFMM would only get a new Sno-Cone stand.
"Six Flags Magic Mountain made mistakes, but is doing better now that it has checked into the Betty Ford Clinic," Burke told a crowd standing in the SFGRAD parking lot that will soon be painted green to look like grass in a poor attempt to theme a coaster. "Remember, the first part of fixing the problem is admitting you have one. I'm convinced this park will make a full recovery."
In a statement released just hours after Burke's announcement, Six Flags Magic Mountain discussed some of the reasons as to why it had started the insatiable drug abuse. "I was always used to getting the biggest. The best. In the past few years, hearing people refer to me as 'Tragic Mountain' really hurt, ya know?"
Six Flags Magic Mountain went on to explain how the addiction began. "I was expecting to get that new ride. I needed it! I was used to being showered with gifts from corporate, but now they've turned their backs on me. They know I need to be in constant competition with Cedar Point, and Kingda Ka, or as it would have been called were it to have been installed here, 'Superman: The Ultimate Road Runner's Escape of the Dark Knight's Revenge,' would have put me back up to par, and one coaster ahead of that tramp, Cedar Point."
(When queried as to whether the coaster addition would have really put the park even with Cedar Point, SFMM released a clarifying second statement indicating that it feels "Superman is a coaster, even if it can't keep it up. End of discussion.")
Burke and SFMM refused to divulge how long the park would remain in the rehabilitation program.
We know you can't get enough of Psycho Loser Stalker Jerkoff, so we're committed to providing you with as many steaming platefuls of him as you can stomach. We found a wonderful thread featuring PLSJ at PKI Central, and in fact two different people had come up with story ideas making use of that topic as a Site O' the Weak. Sadly, someone at the site recently decided to make that topic a members-only discussion, making its use as a SOW somewhat difficult.
However, we shall instruct you on how to see this magnificent discussion; it merely takes a few seconds out of your day, and, believe us, it will be worth it.
First, go to PKI Central and sign up for a user name. All you need to do is ask for a login name and provide a real email address, and you can log on. You don't even need to go through a tedious reconfirmation process through your email. Now you are a member, and can read whatever topics you want at the site.
Next, direct your browser to "What is up with Taxi Jam?" a thread so magnificent and wonderful that you will unable to think about anything else, even masturbating to Kumba Ka pictures, for weeks.
For those of you thinking of skipping out on this once-in-a-lifetime experience, due to the possibility that it will take a few minutes out of your day, keep in mind that this is the most amazing and wondrous thread ever made. When Psycho Loser Jackoff Stalker begins a thread by bitching about not being allowed on Top Cat's Taxi Jam, a coaster which is, seriously, about six feet high and goes in one little oval, and refers to an alleged companion as his "Asian Ladyfriend" about four hundred times in each paragraph, it's already worth seeing. But then it actually gets better, as his posts grow more insane and the responses of the other forum participants grow ever more nasty. Oh, it brought tears of joy to our eyes, and savage pain to our spleens.
Read. Taste. Gnaw. Devour. Experience. You'll fall on your knees and thank us.
[Editor's Note: The part where he threatens to "beat the crap" out of some enthusiasts and informs everyoen that he "is not someone to mess with" is also pretty amazing.]
Monday, December 13, 2004
Ah, he's back. Much like that fungus you just can't get rid of, no matter how much you scratch that crotch or blast it with Tinactin. Much like that ear-reaming new version of Do They Know Know It's Christmas? that appears to be constantly in play on every sound system in the known universe. And even like that bad case of spicy diarrhea you got from eating the burrito from the Mexican food stand, even though the chicken smelled like three-week-old sardines. Yes, it's the return of Psycho Loser Stalker Cretin Jackass Worthless Bitch-Ass Piece of Shit Slimeball Boy. And he's receiving a less-than-cordial response from both ARN&R and RRC.
Back when he made his first appearance as a Site O' the Weak at ARN&R, we wondered if our taunting, and that of pretty much everyone who deigned to even reply to him in his forums, would dissuade him from showing his grimy chancre of a face in public again. Sadly, he failed to take the hint, whereupon he landed a rare second Site O' the Week victory. At the time, we wondered...could this dickless pile of garbage possibly garner a threepeat?
Sunday, December 12, 2004
As regional representatives of the American Coaster Enthusiasts discover the power of the Internet, recent months have seen a proliferation of websites specifically devoted to the activities of various ACE regions. But, as these new webmasters have discovered, the only way to run a website at a profit is to showcase porn. (Either that, or feature articles satirizing the amusement industry, which experts tell us has enabled ARN&R to earn literally hundreds of cents over the past few years.)
While most ACE regional websites have floundered in financial woe and irrelevance, one has made the bold leap to be noticed by the world at large: The Barely Legal Teen Coaster Sluts webpage, reached at www.ace18.org, operated by the suddenly wealthy ACE Region 18.
"We were trying to think of something that would play well off the name of our region, which is eighteen," said Barely Legal Teen Coaster Sluts spokesman John DiStefano. "And naturally we remembered that eighteen is the age of consent in most states, which means you can legally feature porn involving anyone over that age. And it's really taken off...our hot, horny, barely-eighteen coasters will allow themselves to be ruthlessly violated in unspeakable ways just for your amusement, as long as you provide us with your credit card number."
Some of the popular barely-eighteen coasters featured engaging in graphic and deranged scenes of sexual activity on the website include Le Monstre, Puff the Little Fire Dragon, and Disaster Transport. However, DiStefano warned that visitors to the website should not expect to see anything illegal on the Region 18 site.
"All of our whores and sluts are of legal age," he stated. "Most of them are mere hours or perhaps days past the age of eighteen, which means they are totally hot, young, and ready for action, but also will not cause us to get thrown in jail for showing 24 ACE members riding them at once. But unfortunately, if you are looking for those steamy new pics of Hades violating four different holes, you're out of luck. You'll have to look to other sources for your jailbait."
Friday, December 10, 2004
Word has rapidly spread throughout the enthusiast community that Dollywood would be adding new flat rides, but only ARN&R has the exclusive word on what one of the rides will be.
Based loosely on Epcot's TestTrack concept, Dolly herself has been heavily involved in planning their new "non-flat" flat ride, an innovative concept in 4-D renderings and taking make-up artistry to the next level. The ride concept is presently named "TestRack," though the park is reportedly considering other names, including "Melonriffic" and, perhaps least subtly, "Breasasaurus Rex."
According to sources, TestRack will be unveiled at the Grand Opening of the 2005 season, and will allow guests to experience for themselves what it's like for Dolly to carry her own specific weight distribution around daily.
Initially, there were concerns that Disney would sue. But after some tough negotiating with the lead mouse himself, Dolly and her supporters, er, lawyers have won over Mickey. Rumors suggest that a large block of cheese was delivered to the Magic Kingdom, but this reporter was unable to confirm or deny those claims. Nor was ARN&R able to confirm reports that Mickey was allowed an opportunity to roam free on the inspirations for the new ride.
In any event, the potential litigation is no longer on the horizon, and so we can confirm (assuming Interactive Rides isn't involved): Coming in '05 to the mountains of Tennessee....TestRack!
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
ARN&R willingly corrects factual errors, typographical mistakes, and any inaccuracies in our rumor reporting made on our website. If you think we have made an error in a story, and sincerely believe we give a shit, please email us promptly at firstname.lastname@example.org.
A recent ARN&R article described the new custom installation of a Vekoma Boomerang at Visionland. Numerous Southern readers indicated to us that they were insulted by our handling of this news. After intricately researching our information a second time, we are able to report that, indeed, we forgot to mention that, not only will the ride feature a porch and be put up on blocks, it will also feature several large hound dogs laying around on it. Additionally, the ride will feature a helpful banner detailing the proud history of the South. ARN&R regrets these omissions.
In another recent story, ARN&R broke the exciting news that the Voice of Kennywood would be creating the spoken role of General Grievous in the next Star Wars film. While we stand behind this information and the sources who reported it to us, we neglected to mention that "General Grievous" is one of the dumbest names a movie character has ever had. ARN&R apologizes for this error.
Finally, another ARN&R story suggested that ACE is full of morons who regularly piss off amusement parks with their loutish and rude behavior, unreasonable demands, and farting. This was just a typo. We regret the inconvenience.
Monday, December 06, 2004
Hey boys and girls, FMB spitting mad game as I share my IAAPA report with you. I had a great time this year as I big pimped at the Quality Inn, had some good eats at the Golden Corral and Western Sizzlin‚ buffets and got 50 rides on Hulk. Booyaa! Anyway, you industry types probably want to know what I found interesting on the show floor.
Premier Rides: Go-Karts and refurbishment, it was non-stop excitement here.
Intamin: Told to leave. Fuckers.
B&M: I made their trade show lackey my bitch and we talked about the B&M restraints for hours.
S&S: Stan handed out a lot of raw meat, but only if guests rode his new Screamin' Swing.
Pinfari: The size of their booth indicated that the mob is no longer financing their failures.
Vekoma: I hurt my head just walking by.
Zamperla: Disk'O - Guys, I rode this last year, bring me something new!
Gerstlauer: Learn how to speak our language, American.
Robocoaster: I am so glad they invest the time, money and effort to bring us concepts too impractical and expensive for anyone to buy.
ARM: Who knew a tower ride could be ghetto fab?
Sellner: I liked your new swing ride when Chance debuted it over 30 years ago.
Noble Romans, Dippin' Dots, Steak-Ums, Super Pretzel and Pepsi: The best booths on the floor!
Visionland amusement park recently announced its acquisition of a used Vekoma Boomerang coaster for the 2005 season. To date, most news reports have assumed that the installation would be a standard one, but ARN&R has received a few leaked details that will make the coaster something special:
- Most notably, the coaster will be installed in the front grassy area of the park, placed up on cinder blocks. "That will allow us to get right up under it to work on it, and really get it working, and it also allows us to move to a different trailer park, er, amusement park, if we need to," said the Visionland source.
- The park will purchase the optional porch build-out. "This makes it look different than all the rest and really adds the classy touch."
- The park will also purchase the optional extra half-bath. "So if we've got some neighbors over for NASCAR or just a few Schlitzes, they can drain the weasel right there without having to go down the hall."
At press time, the park had not decided whether to pay the extra $900 for mirrors on the ceiling.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Lots of enthusiasts like to take home junk they found at amusement parks. Some of them mistakenly even believe that their friends and family will be interested in viewing them. But there's nothing quite like a webpage that features a sexy photoshoot of nothing but a bunch of coaster cups someone actually bothered to take home. It makes us positively hard and/or moist to see these priceless artifacts displayed for all the world to worship and appreciate. Thank you for sharing, Site O' the Weak!
[Editor's Note: Please note that the SOW designation is for the coaster cup page only, not the rest of the site, which actually features rather good photos of actual coasters, as opposed to, you know, sexy photoshoots of some cups.]