Friday, September 03, 2004

Dark Ride Electrocuted Guy To Be Replaced

Dark ride manufacturers across the country announced yesterday that Electrocuted Guy, appearing in virtually every dark ride in the nation, will immediately be replaced by an animatronic Sen. Zell Miller (D-GA).

"Man, we watched that dude at the Republican National Convention, and he was just batshit crazy," said Sally Rides spokesman Mark Gaudio. "My dog was cowering in the corner whimpering and my eight-year-old hasn't slept in the 36 hours since the speech. He just keeps muttering, 'Those eyes! Those terrible eyes!'"

Gaudio said that Sally technicians were already hard at work with what he called "the most challenging stunt we've ever tackled." Among the difficulties are creating enough facial expressions to recreate Miller's complex facial contortions while ensuring that his hands do not move more than a centimeter. Gaudio confided that the company is considering adding slight bits of foam at the corners of Miller's mouth.

Miller, who as a nominal Democrat was considered a coup for the Republican convention, is also being considered by a number of companies that create Halloween events. "We're considering dumping Brutal Planet and just doing Zell Hell," said Six Flags spokeswoman Wendy Reidster. "Room after room of him. Especially if we have video of him back when he said John Kerry was an 'authentic hero' and 'a good friend' playing in the queue. That'll really mess with people!"

ARN&R was unable to confirm reports that Miller was in negotiations with Universal to become the new mascot for Halloween Horror Nights at the company's Orlando parks.