Tuesday, February 24, 2004

ACE Hires New Remedial Spelling Consultant

The American Coaster Enthusiasts (ACE) recently faced another of their myriad of public relations gaffes when it was revealed that large numbers of its executive committee and publications writers and editors were severely deficient in basic spelling. The shocking news came to light with the most recent issue of ACE News, which featured an article covering this past November's International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions (IAAPA) Trade Show.

In the article, the ACE booth at the show was described as having a "prime location," clear proof that the organization was in attendance as an exhibitor. Yet, a mere paragraph before, the article claimed the following: "Exhibitors ran the alphabetical gamut, from Amusement Today to Zierer." Puzzlingly, ACE either entirely forgot it was at the trade show, or failed to realize that the alphabetical gamut actually went, at the very least, from ACE to Zierer.

Fortunately, ACE has realized its problem, and has just announced the hiring of an expert who can assist prominent ACE leaders and editors with their ABC difficulties: Barney.

"Whoa, heidi-hoodily-doodily!" screamed the giant purple dinosaur, twirling and jumping in the air for emphasis. "The Alphabet is fun, fun, fun!" He then reached down and suggestively massaged Baby Bop's groin.

"Barney is so awesome!" said one ACE editor. "I always thought 'Amusement Today' came before 'American Coaster Enthusiasts' or 'ACE' when you arrange things alphabetically! But now I know that, when one wants things to be done according to alphabetical gamut, then either 'ACE' or 'American Coaster Enthusiasts' would actually come before 'Amusement Today.' Score!"

A spokesman for Barney indicated that the Purple One hoped to have all major ACE personalities knowing their alphabet within a week or two, but he felt that "working on the 'its-it's problem' was a "bit too advanced" and not "fun-de-dun-ton-fun" at this time.

Bow to Your New Master

It's pretty audacious to call yourself The Roller Coaster God. Even if one were spectacularly knowledgeable about roller coasters, or had written major dissertations on them, or had ridden more of them than any other human, the title is more than a little presumptuous. For instance, Robert Cartmell, Bob Coker, and Scott Rutherford have all written excellent books about coasters, yet all have had the good taste not to refer to themselves as "gods," "high exalted poobahs," or even "minor assistant Ancient Scandinavian deities." For crying out loud, even Paul Ruben doesn't call himself "The Roller Coaster God." Well, not in public, anyway.

Of course, some enthusiasts are bolder. However, when one of them develops a website that has approximately 437 links, and only about three of them actually work, then his claim to be "The Roller Coaster God" is unlikely to be seen as credible. His claim to the title of Roller Coaster God is also substantially hindered by his decision to note when his hopeless disaster of a website was "last Perfected" instead of "updated," and by offering these words of wisdom, which we reprint exactly as they appear on the front page of Roller Coaster God's site:

Welcome to God's Play Toy's. Designed by "The Future of Roller Coasters". It's that time of year again where all the theme parks are in FULL SWING for all us coaster enthusiast to enjoy the parks! Enjoy all of the information, pics, and tons of other things I have to offer!! -RollerCoasterGod

Please pick up your consolation surprises backstage, Roller Coaster God.

Oh, and, by the way, you just became the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.