Six Flags Great America Mocked for Taking Lemon to Dealer

Six Flags Great America was taunted by its friends for taking its broken-down jalopy to the dealer for service work, say sources close to the park.

"I can't believe this schmuck," said friend Six Flags St. Louis. "First of all, he's an idiot for not listening to me and buying one of those stupid Deja Vu things, which everyone knows break down more than crap from Ford. Then he compounds his stupidity by taking the thing back to the damn dealer for service. What a dips%$t."

Six Flags Great America confirmed that it takes its ride to Vekoma for service, but defended itself, saying, "I don't really know the local mechanics, so I don't know if they're honest or not. And my dealer is the one who gave me the ride, so they probably know best how to fix its myriad problems that crop up on a thousands-of-times-per-day basis. And they explained that they are the only ones who use genuine Toyota parts, so why shouldn't I take it there?"

Said business colleague Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom, "you should've seen this guy last week. Deja Vu broke down for like the three hundreth time that day, and so he took it to Vekoma. They gave him attitude about not making an appointment and pretty much accused him of screwing the thing up himself, and then they finally took it in. I could see those bozos in the back of the garage. Seven hours in there, and I'm pretty sure they just took out a chain dog and put it right back in. And then he gets the bill for six thousand dollars. I asked him, right in front of the mechanic and sales lady, if he at least got a free jar of Vaseline with that. They didn't think that was all that funny."

Six Flags Great America's friends said they would continue to encourage their "moron dumbass friend" to quit taking his piece of crap coaster to the same imbeciles who sold it to him, and instead check out a local garage such as Schwarzkopf & Sons, right down the street.

--JCK

Caustic Chef Author Angrily Leaves Six Flags America's Cooking Corps

Six Flags Theme Parks today announced that celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain (author of Kitchen Confidential and star of Food Network's A Cook's Tour will be leaving the chain's Washington, D.C.-area theme park.

Bourdain, formerly executive chef at Les Halles in New York -- known for extremely strict discipline in his kitchen and an incredible quality of food in his restaurants -- had been hired as the Chef d' Cuisine at the pizza and french fry stand near SFA's Tower of Doom drop ride. "We'd hired Mr. Bourdain in hopes that he'd maybe tweak the seasoning a little on the fries or perhaps add another pizza topping, you know, like black olives. But within a week he'd spent $30,000 on new equipment, fired everyone there, brought in this completely insane guy named Adam to create 'focaccia' -- whatever the hell that is -- and started selling foie gras. That wasn't really what we were looking for."

Bourdain, reached for comment, began with a stream of creative obscenities. "Those f*cking idiots wouldn't know cuisine if it bit them in the ass," he stated. "They've never heard of escargot, and you should've heard it when I suggested adding Pied de Cochon Pané [traditional pig's feet] to the menu. 'We're a theme park,'" he said, mimicking a manager's voice, "'Not a fancy-schmancy New York restaurant.' Jesus, what an idiot."

Six Flags stated that it had plans to replace Bourdain with Emeril Lagasse, who, according to the park, "was really mostly focused on how much money he'd make. He didn't really seem to be too worried about the food -- he just said we should buy a bunch of his cajun seasoning mix and throw that on everything."