Monday, September 26, 2005

Enthusiast Upset With Stronger Sail-Whipping Rules

Long a lover of the legendary Flyers flat ride, Roger Kratchof, 40, was stupified upon his recent visit to Knoebels Amusement Park. It had been two years since the enthusiast had visited the park, and new to him was the installed-during-late-2004 sign at the Flyers warning visitors: "Please Do Not Whip the Sails." This sign caused Kratchof considerable outrage.

"When did they put this crap here?" asked the befuddled man, who obviously hadn't seen all the enthusiast whining online when the sign first went up last year. "There's nothing wrong with whipping the sails. It's a perfectly normal part of the sexual experience."

"This new harsher regulation is a blatant attempt by Knoebels to stigmatize and ostracize those of us who have healthy experimental sex lives," he added. "But what's next at this place of intolerance, I ask you? First they take away whipping, next maybe they'll forbid dressing the Flyers in leather or pulling out the handcuffs . Then maybe they won't let you rub whipped cream and chocolate all over the ride and seductively lick it off."

"The no-whipping regulation is not at all an attempt by Knoebels to keep people from practicing whatever sexual activities they wish in the privacy of their own homes, or maybe in the campground as long as they aren't too loud," said Taylor McGuffin, a representative of the park who wished to remain nameless. "We simply felt that enthusiasts were unfairly exposing the Flyers to acts of bondage that could be physically harmful to this classic ride, as well as mildly freak out the poor children who were waiting in line."

"Cleaning up all the semen stains after those leather-clad enthusiasts whipped their sails was getting to be pretty disgusting, too," said McGuffin, who once again asked that his name not be divulged.

The park released a statement to the press that indicated that enthusiasts would still be allowed to role-play ("the deviant 380-pound German maid and the helpless underage pool-boy" was one suggestion), engage in foot fetishism, wear diapers, and talk dirty to the Flyers, but that the decision to ban whipping would not be reconsidered.