National Tragedy Strikes as Enthusiasts "Dance"
In a national horror the likes of which has not been seen since the release of "Y-M-C-A" into the hands of stadium P.A. staff, the increasing popularity of the arcade and home game known as "Dance Dance Revolution" (or "DDR") has brought the nation to a standstill as right-thinking people everywhere stare in shock at the rhythmless, writhing pale bodies of coaster enthusiasts jerking randomly to blaring techno music.
"It was a travesty," said Cyndi Hengst, a hotel manager in Houston, Texas, speaking through sobs, who witnessed DDR at a winter enthusiast event at Six Flags Astroworld. "I've seen things you can't unsee. I just wanted to ride the Cyclone. But this was a terror...the bodies, the movement, the jiggling..." Hengst broke down in tears.
The disaster apparently began at CoasterBuzz, where dozens of pallid participants, panting at the first hint of physical exertion and reduced to exhaustion within minutes of beginning a DDR session, discussed their enjoyment of DDR, even posting pictures so terrifying we won't post images of them here. (Parents, please use your discretion in permitting your children to visit this site, and please note that ARN&R takes no responsibility if the images on the site violate any laws or regulations in your jurisdiction.)
Most disturbingly, ARN&R has learned that the plague of DDR machines will continue to spread at amusement parks nationwide, with enthusiasts developing dancing "skills" that they will never, ever, ever actually have occasion to use in the sense of actually dancing with another human being. Indeed, the trend is likely to increase the civilization-ending trend of naked dancing in front of the mirror to blaring renditions of "Rollercoaster of Love." Experts say DDR is likely to result in unspeakable nightmares for ordinary citizens standing in line for Raptor at Cedar Point, as enthusiasts get down with their bad selves, dancing to the in-line music.
In related news, amusement parks report a fifty percent increase in applications from sixteen-year-olds who want to design coasters, citing their extensive experience playing Rollercoaster Tycoon.
Monday, January 20, 2003
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