Monday, May 29, 2006

Six Flags New England Much Improved

The mandate from Six Flags upper management this year has been to focus less on massive new thrill rides and to focus more on customer happiness, infrastructure improvements, beautification, and raising ticket prices by an exorbitant amount. ARN&R recently sent a team of secret investigators to spend a day at Six Flags New England this past weekend so as to determine what sort of improvements might have been made since last season. Would the park be cleaner? Would employees be less incompetent and aggressive? Would anything work? Would security be doing anything to control the hordes of young louts running loose? Let's take a look at some key statistics to find out; the comparison in these stats will be made between the recent sample day, placed alongside the park's three-year averages from 2003-2005.

  • Average Daily Line-Cutting Incidents

  • 2003-2005: 431,621
    5/28/06: 367,997

  • Average Daily Smoking-in-Line Incidents

  • 2003-2005: 237,786
    5/28/06: 234,101

  • Average Number of Times Security Guard or Ride Op Looked Directly at Line-Cutting or Smoking-in-Line Incident and Didn't Do Jack F*cking Shit About It

  • 2003-2005: 46,325
    5/28/06: 44,917

  • Average Restroom Square Footage Covered With Fresh Human Feces

  • 2003-2005: 100%
    5/28/06: 98.6%

  • Average IQ of Paying Customers

  • 2003-2005: 35
    5/28/06: 50

  • WHIP

  • 2003-2005: 1.94
    5/28/06: 1.67

    As can easily be seen, Six Flags New England has massively improved in several key areas of customer service, most notably in safety and cleanliness. Way to go, folks. Keep up the outstanding work!