Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Tacky Wedding Contest Winners Revealed

Back in January, Better Weddings and Receptions magazine ran a survey to determine its Tackiest Wedding Ever contest winner. For the past several months, readers of the popular magazine have sent their responses in, and a champion is ready to be crowned. ARN&R will divulge the winner momentarily, but first, as a recap, we present the original Better Weddings and Receptions descriptions of the five finalists.

1) Tom and Katie host an outdoor wedding in North Carolina. The wedding ceremony is held at a location up in the mountains that has no running water, meaning that all wedding party members and the guests are forced to use an outhouse. Additionally, the groom admits during the ceremony that he purchased his bride's ring on layaway, so he expects he'll have it "pretty soon."

2) Brad and Angelina wisely decide on an outdoor wedding in Connecticut in early April, meaning that the temperature is a highly surprising 52 degrees Fahrenheit, with rain. The ceremony, hosted by a Justice of the Peace named "Vinnie," interrupts the heavy pre-wedding drinking of the entire wedding party, the majority (but not the entirety) of whom are convinced to at least put their drinks on the ground during the actual vows. Fortunately, the ceremony itself lasts only about a minute, so the bride is still able to down the rest of her screwdriver (her sixth) before any pesky ice melts and dilutes it.

3) Charles and Camilla have a coaster wedding. The wedding party members, including some relatives too old to walk without assistance, are strapped into Kraken. At some point during the ride, the minister conducts a ceremony that only the bride, groom, and best man can hear. After dismounting the ride, allowing paying customers back on it, the wedding party adjourns to the classy Shamu's Playhouse picnic area to shove cake in each others' faces and announce their decision to name their first child "Gwazi," regardless of the baby's gender.

4) Ben and Jennifer have their reception at a wedding factory, where wedding party members are announced NBA-style, complete with thumping booty music, strobe lights, and smoke. The bride and groom themselves are announced to the Rocky theme, whereupon they run into the reception room holding their hands up like someone anointed them champs, and then mock-box each other for their first dance. Wedding presents are opened at the wedding reception.

5) Kevin and Britney get hitched. During their ceremony, the bride and groom surprisingly unleash a duet of Meatloaf's Paradise by the Dashboard Light upon the guests. After this unusual maneuver, and following a great deal of hooting and cat-calling from the guests when they are asked if anyone has just cause to protest the wedding, the groom manages to up the class of the event even more by announcing, when told to kiss the bride, "we'll be with you in a minute." Reception follows in "Forge Room," which is filled with anvils and stuffed moose heads. More hooting and cat-calling follows, but, sadly, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad and I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) do not.

The results of the survey, listed below as the percentage of the magazine's readership who voted for each entry as the Tackiest Wedding Ever, are quite interesting:

1) Meatloaf wedding (41%)
2) Outhouse wedding (40%)
3) Drunk wedding (11%)
4) NBA wedding (6%)
5) Coaster wedding (2%)

The narrow victory for Meatloaf over outhouses made for mildly compelling theater, but the most important story has to be the lack of votes for the coaster wedding. Apparently, when placed alongside these other trashfests, getting hitched on a coaster comes out looking pretty classy. This is certainly good news for coaster enthusiasts everywhere.

The three or four who managed to take a girl on a date last year, anyway.


ARN&R lovingly corrects errors. Indeed, it thrills us more than it likely should to correct errors.

It has come to our attention that this week's Site O' The Weak is not, in point of fact, a source of "warmed-over press releases." Rather, that function is achieved by ITPS's daily news e-mail. The ITPS blog is, rather, strictly a source for questionable-to-terrible spelling and grammar. And that horrible, horrible yellow.

ARN&R regrets the error, and will engage in even more self-flagellation than usual.