Wednesday, November 23, 2005

King's Dominion Ride Renamed

In unexpected news, Paramount's King's Dominion announced today that it would be changing the name of its venerable Shockwave roller coaster. Although the big news at the park will be the opening of its new Italian Job roller coaster, management representatives indicated that it was important to spruce up the image of some of the classic older rides at the park in order to keep interest in them at their typically high level.

Beginning with the 2006 season, the former Shockwave, an innovative standup looping design by Japanese manufacturer TOGO, will be known as the De-Testiculator. A new paint job and signage will accompany the switch.

"When we debated a new name for this wonderful attraction, we thought carefully about what Shockwave has meant to us and our visitors over the past decades," stated a portion of the announcement. "And we realized that the thing that stands out about the ride is its majestically aggressive restraint system. The chest-crushing things you hook your arms through, the sharp, thin anal probe, and of course the signature gonad-obliterating lap bar- all of them combine to create one of the planet's sublime masterpieces."

Other names considered for De-Testiculator included Groin Master, Ball Crusher, Crotch Shredder, Scrotum Hater, and The C*ck Punch.

Baby Experience Goes Poorly

According to witnesses, single coaster enthusiast Jeb Gado, 26, had a trying time and really pissed off several friends during a recent visit to Islands of Adventure, a theme park in Orlando. Gado was the only person in his group of seven who was not carrying a baby with him, a situation which the same witnesses felt could be a major source of the trouble incurred during the trip.

"You could tell he was terrified of kids," said a random ugly woman without a bra who was standing in line for Spiderman. "He kept making gagging sounds and spasming whenever there was talk of breast feeding or baby doo-doo, so, considering the continual topic of conversation in line for that group was almost entirely based on those subjects, he was gagging a whole bunch."

"Man, that dude went nuts when one of the kids vomited green stuff all over him," said a soaking wet man with prominent man-boobs standing near the mean fountain. "And the parents just laughed and said he did it all the time. Boy, he was spitting mad about that. It looked like he had on some sort of really nice coaster t-shirt with tremendous collector value."

The most traumatic portion of the day, and the one which annoyed his friends, was when Gado was given a small child to hold in the baby swap area of Hulk. The mother of the youngster had wished to ride the launched coaster with her husband and, according to an annoying teenager with a thong sticking out of her incredibly short jeans, "thrust" the baby at a horrified Gado, whereupon said baby immediately began screaming its head off. At this point, Gado allegedly yelled, "Oh my God! Why is it making that sound? I'm breaking it! Take it away!" According to sources, these comments did not sit well with Gado's friends, nor with the many other parents in the baby swap area.

Gado could not be reached for comment.