Tuesday, March 11, 2003

Members of Extreme Sue Six Flags Over Amusement Park Tagline

Members of the eighties rock group ‘Extreme’ recently filed a lawsuit against Six Flags Theme Parks, for the use of the tagline “The Xtreme Park” with their flagship property in Valencia, California. The lawsuit comes after nearly two years of the ad slogan being used to hype Six Flags Magic Mountain as the home of some of the most thrilling, most exciting, most ‘xtreme’ rides in the world.

“This is an extreme case of obvious copyright infringement,” stated Extreme lead singer Gary Cherone. “People hear about Magic Mountain being ‘The Xtreme Park’ and venture there, thinking that they’ll see us performing on a daily basis. Most people think we're the opening act for the 'Just Wingin' It' bird show, for some reason. It's embarrassing for us to imagine that our fans think we are some washed-up rock band that can’t get a better gig than one at an amusement park filled with hyperactive teenagers. I mean, last week, we played for a crowd of sixty people in Valparaiso, Indiana---we damn near sold out the place!”

An outraged Del Holland, general manager of Magic Mountain, stated “[Cherone] is just upset because we wiped our asses with Extreme’s proposal for a 'Pornograffitti'-themed dark ride [based on the park's 1990 album]. I guess they thought that they were Aerosmith or Ratt and assumed that they deserved to be immortalized in a thrill ride.” David Bloom, an attorney representing Six Flags, added, “We are going to reciprocate with lawsuits of our own against both the band as a whole for being a second-rate rock act and thus diluting the meaning of the word ‘xtreme,’ as well as Gary Cherone personally, who is believed to have recently “rejoined” his former band after a twenty-two minute gig as the third lead singer of Van Halen, just for the sake of cashing in on what they believe is trademark infringement.”

Who Cares? Management, who represents the band, promises that the lawsuit will not have any effect on Extreme’s recently-announced 2003 World Tour, during which the band will perform at over three dozen local bars throughout the country for tens of rowdy fans, as well as open for Ratt during their summer tour of Europe.

United Nations Deploys Coaster Enthusiasts to Iraq

The United Nations today made the unusual move of deploying hundreds of international coaster enthusiasts to Iraq. With the possibility of war between the United States and Iraq looming over the issue of arms inspections in the latter country, United Nations representatives were hopeful that their drastic maneuver might yet save lives and avert catastrophe.

"We simply must have more conclusive weapons inspections," stated Burkina Lombasa, a United Nations delegate from the nation of Southwestern North Upper Faso Volta. "We are willing to do anything possible to continue negotiations and prevent civilian casualties in a terrible war. With this new maneuver, Operation Dumbo Drop, we have littered the Iraqi landscape with several hundred rabid coaster enthusiasts from various nations."

When queried as to how these enthusiasts, legendary among the world's populace and their own frustrated families for not caring or having any knowledge of anything on the planet not directly related to amusement parks, would help avert global annihilation, Lombasa smiled and said, "we're going to have these enthusiasts search out Iraqi weapons for us. Have you seen any of these freaks in action? Why, last year, on my Midwestern coaster vacation with my ECC buddies, I saw enthusiasts doing the craziest things to get photos and documentation of new amusements in their favorite parks. One Ohio enthusiast drove the highways of his hime state for 3 straight weeks with breaks only for restrooms and mashed potatoes with extra gravy, just so he could get pictures of track coming for Top Thrill Dragster. I hear one of these ACE members spent a month freezing in a pup tent outside Six Flags New England just in the hopes of confirming which sort of crappy, lame flat ride would be added this season. Is anyone going to tell me these wankers can't sniff out Saddam Hussein's private stash? Now, we did have to fib a bit to get these enthusiasts searching Saddam's secret warehouses, so we just told them all that Iraq was building some cool-ass coasters called The Chemical Warhead, the SCUD, and the Weapon of Mass Destruction. You'll see. They'll find them within minutes."

President Bush was quoted as saying that "we were really hoping we couldn't find any biologicalistic or nucyular weapons in Iraq so we could bomb them back to the Stone Age, under the asssumption these weaponries were still there somewhere. If these coaster enthusiastics can find Saddam's Storehouse of Evil, then that's great. We'll just bomb the crap out of Finland or Djibouti or something instead."