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Particularly Vicious Wedgie Administered

According to numerous witnesses, coaster enthusiast Reggie Johnson, 14, received a wedgie of staggering violence and savagery this morning in the locker room of his junior high school. Although Johnson has been the victim of a high number of pranks, taunts, and minor assaults over the past several years, onlookers described this wedgie as "particularly vicious."

"These five guys tackled him after gym," said Daniel Blair, 14. I thought maybe they were going to dunk his head in the toilet like last week, or maybe take him into the girls' bathroom and superglue him to one of the toilet seats, but they went straight for the underpants."

Blair described the event in lurid detail, including an assertion that one of the bullies had stretched Johnson's underwear a full seven feet through the locker area before it tore. He additionally reported that Johnson spent the rest of the school day with the shredded remnants of the underwear flapping out the back of his corduroy pants.

"I keep telling Reggie that he needs to quit wearing the Coaster Zombie tie-dye, the coaster pin jacket, the Absolutely Reliable hat, and the themed fanny pack to school," said Johnson's friend Tony Bush, 15. "It makes him such an easy target being this coaster dork. I keep suggesting some cool hobbies for him that would make people realize he's not a nerd and leave him alone, like running a Star Trek continuity blog, playing Hero Clicks, or dressing up like Ash for Evil Dead 2 conventions, but he's really stubborn."

--JCK