Saturday, March 01, 2003

CoasterBash or Coaster-Bah?

Today’s CoasterBash XIV, held at Garden City Hall in Monroeville, PA, appeared to be anything but a “bash” to unaware American Coaster Enthusiast (ACE) members.

"There were no freakin' roller coasters to ride!" exclaimed Mack “The Big Boy” Porkenhauser. "Sure, they had an all-you-can-eat buffet and bottomless beverages, but the only coasters in the joint were rinky-dink cardboard cut-out models. Really bad models at that."

"I was expecting, due to the off-season timing of this event, to have nothing but ERT without all the stupid rednecks I usually see at Pennsylvania parks," stated fourteen-year-old nonmember, and resident of Monroeville, Chester Lynch. "I heard A.C.E. wuz comin' to town so I grabbed up my thirty-dollar ticket to attend. Shoot, ... free food, free drinks, no parking fees ... I thought I had this event in the bag! But it just plain sucked. There won’t no ridin’ at all!"

Stan Cartman, who drove all the way from Colorado to attend the event, said, “the event flyer promised a ‘Chinese auction.’ I figured maybe that meant one of us would win some contest to get laid by a hot Asian babe, but apparently they meant something else. There was no laying, nor were there any hot Asian babes, nor were there really any babes at all. I feel pretty cheated.”

Virginia ACE member Bert Logan was also distressed. “Kennywood sent some haunted house workers that scared me senseless, but why didn’t we get ERT on Phantom’s Revenge and Thunderbolt? I bet they run pretty fast when the grease has a nice layer of ice. I may protest by not going to that park next season. And Janice Witherow did show some nice photos of Top Thrill Dragster, but why couldn’t she bring the ride itself down here for loyal ACE members to get a preview? I paid my mom’s hard-earned cash to ride coasters without worrying about the stupid GP. I did not pay my mom’s hard-earned cash to watch coaster honeymoon videos and find out what exciting fencepost-erecting Libertyland has planned.”

ACE representative Sandra Torkenstein claims, "these jerks have no business attending the Bash if they didn't read the fine print." With a heavy sigh and, pointing out a smudge at the bottom of the event application, she recited, "this is a non-coaster-riding event." Ms. Torkenstein removed her bottle-bottom glasses, folded the document on her lap, and continued, "we cannot understand why these morons are causing such a fluff. The flyers also clearly state the event will be held ‘rain or snow (blizzard) or shine.' Do these lowlife imbeciles actually believe we would endanger their lives with ERT during a blizzard?"

"That would have been totally awesome, dude!" one rambunctious lad stated as he passed the ARN&R interview table, where he overheard Torkenstein’s comments. Raising his hands to form the “Metal Sign” and sticking his tongue several inches out of his mouth, he added, “Extreeeeeeeemmmmmmeeeeee!”

[Correspondent’s Note: I, as an ARN&R reporter, was also miffed, as I had not been aware of the situation. I, too, came for the rides, but my application had been sent in by my editor, who requested I cover this lame-ass story. I now worry that I will be forced to attend this year's Nor'Easter 2003, the next ACE event, to be held March 8, at the Fierlit-Korzen American Legion Post 769 (Central Falls, RI).]

[Editor’s Note: All reporters employed by the ARN&R Breaking News Division are required to write whatever stories they are assigned. Some of these stories are more exciting than others. Certain reporters might find themselves receiving better assignments if they would quit scaring Jessica Alba and Kristen Kreuk out of the Absolutelyreliable Mansion’s hot tub with all that farting. Enjoy all the exciting onboard ride footage of the Quassy Little Dipper next week, buddy!]

Doh Again!

Okay, so, if we'd actually looked at ORC for any length of time, we could definitively say that we did not win.

(Though last time we looked, we were in the lead. We're sensing a coverup. The Man is out to get us.)

Congratulations to Virtual Midway.

Okay, so apparently we posted the link to the poll roughly eight minutes before it switched over to a new poll. We might have won. We don't know.
ARN&R Nominated for Academy Award
Or Possibly OnRideCentral Site of the Year
Despite the Fact that It's March

Go vote for us. We really want to be on the pre-show with Joan and Melissa Rivers.