Sunday, December 26, 2004

America’s Christmas Village Soon To Sprout

In keeping with spirit of the season, ARN&R sought out a story that would warm the cockles of our readers’ hearts.  When we could not find that story I recalled a piece I read on the AP wire and decided just to talk to the same people they did.  With my pride in my pocket I boarded a jet a few days before Christmas and headed to the state with the most unwanted pregnancies -- Texas.

Lone Star investor Wallace Westbrook is working on the final preparation stages of his dream, America’s Christmas Village.  The property will consist of a wedding chapel, RV Park, time share homes and Capital Hill, which will consists of full-size recreations of each state’s governor’s mansion.  It will be like a living, breathing Thomas Kincade painting, full of the same lust for a “simpler time” that existed only in Strom Thurmond’s mind.

I recently sat down with Westbrook and discussed his plans for turning Arkansas woodland into a way to earn money through Jesus.  “We are very excited about the project,” Wallace beamed.  “What we are doing has never been done before.  Outside of Branson, where else in America can you be married, have your honeymoon in an RV and have breakfast with Santa Claus all in one place?” 

What pleased Wallace most about the concept was the fact that America’s Christmas Village will be rooted in the spirit of Dickens’ Christmas classic A Christmas Carol.  He said, “It is great because only the best part of Victorian society will be represented.  We don’t worry about the 90% of the population that lived in abject poverty -- we prefer to concentrate on the 10% that could afford to have nice Christmases.”

Before we closed for the day, I asked Wallace about the overt homosexual tones found on his website.  He pretended not to know what I was talking about, but Victorian fashion shows, Santa receiving a reach-around and Resident Bear “Father Christmas” all invoked a serious man-love overtone to me.  While Wallace contended that there were no Gay Santas on-site, he said gays and lesbians were welcome as long as “they accepted Christ as their savior and made a charitable contribution to the park as a way to say ‘thank you’ for saving their souls.”

Wallace feels that God spoke to him after surgery to create Christmas Village.  He said that the park will be filled with God’s love and reflect timeless wisdom found in the Bible, such as Psalm 137:9: “Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.” 

Amen and Merry Christmas.


Wednesday, December 22, 2004

TSA Agents Culled From Park Ranks

With the holiday crunch upon us the Transportation Security Agency (TSA) has looked to new sources to fill the ranks of their incompetent workforce. Outgoing Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge said, “Traditionally we have pulled from a pool people not smart enough to work at Wal-Mart or McDonald’s. With the economy in the toilet and people staying at those jobs we have to branch out. Several amusement parks, notably Six Flags New England and Kentucky Kingdom, have just the kind of people we’re looking for.”

The official government term is “degree of sloth,” but in layman’s terms big brother is looking for slow, stupid people. Six Flags CEO Kieran Burke said he understands why the national government is turning to his employees. “When you need that unique combination of incompetence and slow-to-no movement one, with a healthy dollop of outright hostility, you’re hard-pressed to find anyone better than a Six Flags coaster crew. Our only concern is that they not forget some of our larger facilities like Magic Mountain. As we run everything at less than 50% capacity it is important to find new jobs for those ‘affected’ by cutbacks and government work is perfect for them.”

Steve Johansen, currently an X-ray specialist at Chicago’s O’Hare airport, spent a lot of time at some great training facilities. “Yup, I started out at Six Flags America, then moved to Busch Gardens’ Gwazi crew and ended up as Operations Director at Frontier City. I certainly know how to get things done quickly,” he laughed, with a small drop of drool slowly making its way down his chin.

There are many parallels between a career in parks and the TSA, such as low pay, long hours, irregular operating procedures and dealing with mullets on a regular basis, but the anti-literati take it all in stride. Standing under the TSA’s straight-out-of-the-Third-Reich logo of an eagle staring at nothing, Ridge proudly looked on at Washington’s Dulles airport. “Look at that line,” he exclaimed proudly, gesturing to a quarter-mile barely-moving line. “That’s what happens when you only hire the best.”

At that point Ridge excused himself to conduct a rectal exam.


Thursday, December 16, 2004

ACE Considers Banning Terminology

In light of recent indicents featuring hysterical laughter directed towards enthusiasts, ACE executive committee members are considering a proposal banning the use of "woodie" or "wood" when referring to wooden coasters.

"It's been a time-honored tradition of coaster enthusiasts to talk about how good it feels riding their favorite wood, or how many woodies they've ridden, or which woodie is the longest, but recently, inexplicable laughter has greeted many enthusiasts' comments, causing embarassment and spilled gravy," stated one beloved executive committee member speaking on the condition of anonymity.

One enthusiast's sister had this to say: "I love trying to get my brother to talk about wooden roller coasters, because he just rambles on about wood and woodies and gets the funniest dumbfounded look on his face when my friends and I begin laughing uncontrollably. I think he honestly doesn't get it."

The situation had come to a head (ahem) earlier this week when an enthusiast, nearly driven mad by not being able to increase his track record on kiddie coasters on account of cold and snow, suggested that a group of enthusiasts ban together to "give Cedar Point a virtual woodie." The reaction almost ended in two deaths from laughter and countless bellyaches.

The ACE proposal would encourage enthusiasts to use the term "wooden coaster" or "wooden roller coaster" to make themselves better understood in conversation. The proposal would also create a budget to increase enthusiast awareness that "woodie" is a slang term for a certain part of the male body in a certain condition. ACE will allow the continued use of the term "woodie" at internal, closed-door meetings only.

It is this reporter's belief that this is the only logical and sensible action -- one which actually might serve to advance the coaster enthusiast community -- to ever come from ACE. [Note: Gravy museums do not count.]


Tuesday, December 14, 2004

But Wait, There's More

We know you can't get enough of Psycho Loser Stalker Jerkoff, so we're committed to providing you with as many steaming platefuls of him as you can stomach. We found a wonderful thread featuring PLSJ at PKI Central, and in fact two different people had come up with story ideas making use of that topic as a Site O' the Weak. Sadly, someone at the site recently decided to make that topic a members-only discussion, making its use as a SOW somewhat difficult.

However, we shall instruct you on how to see this magnificent discussion; it merely takes a few seconds out of your day, and, believe us, it will be worth it.

First, go to PKI Central and sign up for a user name. All you need to do is ask for a login name and provide a real email address, and you can log on. You don't even need to go through a tedious reconfirmation process through your email. Now you are a member, and can read whatever topics you want at the site.

Next, direct your browser to "What is up with Taxi Jam?" a thread so magnificent and wonderful that you will unable to think about anything else, even masturbating to Kumba Ka pictures, for weeks.

For those of you thinking of skipping out on this once-in-a-lifetime experience, due to the possibility that it will take a few minutes out of your day, keep in mind that this is the most amazing and wondrous thread ever made. When Psycho Loser Jackoff Stalker begins a thread by bitching about not being allowed on Top Cat's Taxi Jam, a coaster which is, seriously, about six feet high and goes in one little oval, and refers to an alleged companion as his "Asian Ladyfriend" about four hundred times in each paragraph, it's already worth seeing. But then it actually gets better, as his posts grow more insane and the responses of the other forum participants grow ever more nasty. Oh, it brought tears of joy to our eyes, and savage pain to our spleens.

Read. Taste. Gnaw. Devour. Experience. You'll fall on your knees and thank us.


[Editor's Note: The part where he threatens to "beat the crap" out of some enthusiasts and informs everyoen that he "is not someone to mess with" is also pretty amazing.]

Sunday, December 12, 2004

ACE Region Turns to Pornography

As regional representatives of the American Coaster Enthusiasts discover the power of the Internet, recent months have seen a proliferation of websites specifically devoted to the activities of various ACE regions. But, as these new webmasters have discovered, the only way to run a website at a profit is to showcase porn. (Either that, or feature articles satirizing the amusement industry, which experts tell us has enabled ARN&R to earn literally hundreds of cents over the past few years.)

While most ACE regional websites have floundered in financial woe and irrelevance, one has made the bold leap to be noticed by the world at large: The Barely Legal Teen Coaster Sluts webpage, reached at, operated by the suddenly wealthy ACE Region 18.

"We were trying to think of something that would play well off the name of our region, which is eighteen," said Barely Legal Teen Coaster Sluts spokesman John DiStefano. "And naturally we remembered that eighteen is the age of consent in most states, which means you can legally feature porn involving anyone over that age. And it's really taken off...our hot, horny, barely-eighteen coasters will allow themselves to be ruthlessly violated in unspeakable ways just for your amusement, as long as you provide us with your credit card number."

Some of the popular barely-eighteen coasters featured engaging in graphic and deranged scenes of sexual activity on the website include Le Monstre, Puff the Little Fire Dragon, and Disaster Transport. However, DiStefano warned that visitors to the website should not expect to see anything illegal on the Region 18 site.

"All of our whores and sluts are of legal age," he stated. "Most of them are mere hours or perhaps days past the age of eighteen, which means they are totally hot, young, and ready for action, but also will not cause us to get thrown in jail for showing 24 ACE members riding them at once. But unfortunately, if you are looking for those steamy new pics of Hades violating four different holes, you're out of luck. You'll have to look to other sources for your jailbait."


Friday, December 10, 2004

Dollywood Flat Ride Revealed

Word has rapidly spread throughout the enthusiast community that Dollywood would be adding new flat rides, but only ARN&R has the exclusive word on what one of the rides will be.

Based loosely on Epcot's TestTrack concept, Dolly herself has been heavily involved in planning their new "non-flat" flat ride, an innovative concept in 4-D renderings and taking make-up artistry to the next level. The ride concept is presently named "TestRack," though the park is reportedly considering other names, including "Melonriffic" and, perhaps least subtly, "Breasasaurus Rex."

According to sources, TestRack will be unveiled at the Grand Opening of the 2005 season, and will allow guests to experience for themselves what it's like for Dolly to carry her own specific weight distribution around daily.  

Initially, there were concerns that Disney would sue. But after some tough negotiating with the lead mouse himself, Dolly and her supporters, er, lawyers have won over Mickey.   Rumors suggest that a large block of cheese was delivered to the Magic Kingdom, but this reporter was unable to confirm or deny those claims. Nor was ARN&R able to confirm reports that Mickey was allowed an opportunity to roam free on the inspirations for the new ride.

In any event, the potential litigation is no longer on the horizon, and so we can confirm (assuming Interactive Rides isn't involved): Coming in '05 to the mountains of Tennessee....TestRack!


Monday, December 06, 2004


Hey boys and girls, FMB spitting mad game as I share my IAAPA report with you. I had a great time this year as I big pimped at the Quality Inn, had some good eats at the Golden Corral and Western Sizzlin‚ buffets and got 50 rides on Hulk. Booyaa! Anyway, you industry types probably want to know what I found interesting on the show floor.

Premier Rides: Go-Karts and refurbishment, it was non-stop excitement here.

Intamin: Told to leave. Fuckers.

B&M: I made their trade show lackey my bitch and we talked about the B&M restraints for hours.

S&S: Stan handed out a lot of raw meat, but only if guests rode his new Screamin' Swing.

Pinfari: The size of their booth indicated that the mob is no longer financing their failures.

Vekoma: I hurt my head just walking by.

Zamperla: Disk'O - Guys, I rode this last year, bring me something new!

Gerstlauer: Learn how to speak our language, American.

Robocoaster: I am so glad they invest the time, money and effort to bring us concepts too impractical and expensive for anyone to buy.

ARM: Who knew a tower ride could be ghetto fab?

Sellner: I liked your new swing ride when Chance debuted it over 30 years ago.

Noble Romans, Dippin' Dots, Steak-Ums, Super Pretzel and Pepsi: The best booths on the floor!

Details on Visionland Boomerang Emerge

Visionland amusement park recently announced its acquisition of a used Vekoma Boomerang coaster for the 2005 season. To date, most news reports have assumed that the installation would be a standard one, but ARN&R has received a few leaked details that will make the coaster something special:

- Most notably, the coaster will be installed in the front grassy area of the park, placed up on cinder blocks. "That will allow us to get right up under it to work on it, and really get it working, and it also allows us to move to a different trailer park, er, amusement park, if we need to," said the Visionland source.

- The park will purchase the optional porch build-out. "This makes it look different than all the rest and really adds the classy touch."

- The park will also purchase the optional extra half-bath. "So if we've got some neighbors over for NASCAR or just a few Schlitzes, they can drain the weasel right there without having to go down the hall."

At press time, the park had not decided whether to pay the extra $900 for mirrors on the ceiling.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Thank You For Sharing

Lots of enthusiasts like to take home junk they found at amusement parks. Some of them mistakenly even believe that their friends and family will be interested in viewing them. But there's nothing quite like a webpage that features a sexy photoshoot of nothing but a bunch of coaster cups someone actually bothered to take home. It makes us positively hard and/or moist to see these priceless artifacts displayed for all the world to worship and appreciate. Thank you for sharing, Site O' the Weak!

[Editor's Note: Please note that the SOW designation is for the coaster cup page only, not the rest of the site, which actually features rather good photos of actual coasters, as opposed to, you know, sexy photoshoots of some cups.]

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

General Grievous Casting Announced

In news that has been eagerly awaited by salivating Star Wars enthusiasts, the casting of a voice actor to portray General Grievous, a menacing new computer-generated villain appearing in next May's Revenge of the Sith, was announced today. Although many insiders had speculated that John Rhys-Davies, Alan Rickman, Gary Oldman, or even Carrot Top might score the plum voice role, Lucasfilm made a bold and surprising move: handling the voice of the evil General will be none other than the Voice of Kennywood.

"It's a proud day for me," said the elated Voice of Kennywood. "I know I've achieved recognition over the years for my announcements at Kennywood, especially when I alert the crowds as to when the park will be closing, since it always varies based on weather and how many people visit the park. But this is a whole new step, and one that I feel will open an entire new horizon of voiceover opportunities for me."

"F*ck this Garfield shit," the Voice added. "I'm moving up in the world, baby."

In related news, ARN&R has learned a very interesting spoiler dealing with the highly-anticipated final Star Wars chapter: our source tells us that Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker end up in their massive duel to the death due to an argument over whether Tsunami is exciting or just rough as hell. As always, we will keep you posted as we hear further exciting news and rumors about Revenge of the Sith.


Monday, November 29, 2004

ARN&R Writer Felled by Thanksgiving

According to sources, an ARN&R writer was utterly conquered by Thanksgiving dinner this year. Although many were led to believe his membership in the American Coaster Enthusiasts would enable him to survive metric assloads of stuffing, cranberry sauce, and turkey, the writer proved to me a mere mortal, managing to cram only one substantial plate of food down his gullet, and suffering greatly as a result.

"He just lay on the couch moaning and massaging his stomach for the rest of the night," said the writer's girlfriend. "I thought these enthusiast people were supposed to be able to pack down three or four tons of slop at one sitting. What a loser. Maybe I'll go find myself a real enthusiast who actually likes going backwards on rides and can help himself to a fifth plate of collard greens without having to loosen his belt and whine about how his tummy hurt."

According to one friend of the writer, his busy work schedule and lack of money led to the Thanksgiving incident. "Normally, he makes it to at least a couple enthusiast events," said a guest at the dinner. "Being amongst other enthusiasts for even just two or three buffets really keeps him in shape for pitching trowels of meat carcasses and bread into his esophagus. But this year, he wasn't able to get to a single event. If you don't practice ramming jugs of gravy and entire hams into your maw, you get out of shape at doing it."

When asked for comment, the writer allegedly grasped at his stomach, made a pained expression, and said "Uuuunnnnngggghhhhhhhhhh."


Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Trip to New Zealand Turned Down

According to reports, a man named Luke Denning has recently declined to join his family on a vacation to New Zealand, despite the fact that most of the cost would be covered by his relatives. So why would someone turn down a chance to see his closest relatives and deny himself a once in a lifetime experience in a majestic, relatively unspoiled foreign country?

New Zealand has no roller coasters.

"Luke kept waffling about going to New Zealand," said co-worker Jenny Colson. "But he's one of those, I don't know what you call them officially, dork people who never has a girlfriend because he drools a lot and only talks about 'laterals' and how he 'likes a good hard ride on some wood.' But eventually he decided not to take the trip. He came in to work and yelled to us, not that we cared, that he "would visit New Zealand when they build a f*cking coaster!'"

"It kind of sucks for us," Colson added. "We thought he'd be out of the office for two weeks, and we wouldn't be forced to listen to all those grunting, slapping, and plopping noises that always seem to be going on in his cubicle whenever his coaster screen saver comes on. Oh well."

The tourism board of New Zealand is taking this matter very seriously. When asked for comment, a spokesman told ARN&R that New Zealand desperately wants Denning to spend time in that country, and will do anything he asks in order to make it happen, including building a massive world-record-setting launched coaster or adding gravy troughs throughout the country.


Sunday, November 21, 2004

New Policy at Cedar Point

Based on complaints from frequent important guests, Cedar Point will be enforcing a new policy of brake lights to be attached to all guests of the park. Each guest will be given a set of lights to hang on their rear as they enter the park and will be required to wear them at all times.

Cedar Point officials hope that this new policy will cut down on the excessive number of people stopping suddenly in the middle of the midway for no reason, causing untold frustration to those guests who are still able to think properly and make decisions once inside the park gates. The lights will come in various sizes to accommodate all guests, ranging from youth sizes through Too-Fat-for-Millennium-Force and Coaster-Enthusiast.

The lights are based on a new technology being developed in secret labs in the Disaster Transport building, finally giving light to the reason that Cedar Point still retains the ride. The lights respond to the stupidity level of guests and the size of the guests’ group and adjust their sensitivity to slowing of speeds. Guests in groups of six or more, and those from red states will have the highest setting.

Research has shown that in 56% of stoppages, the guests’ brain waves simply shut down for a time, and not knowing what to do next, the entire body will just stop. Guests with strollers are 71% more likely to fall within this category, while many fall into the 32% of stoppages due to unruly children. 11% are due to large groups not being able to make up their minds, while the remaining 1% is due to coaster enthusiasts stopping to take pictures or scratch themselves while faintly moaning.

In an interview with Cedar Point PR officials, it was noted that the complaints of a particularly annoyed ARN&R Field Reporter and girlfriend were a major contributing factor to the decision to implement the lights. "According to their reports, no less than 854 people stopped for no reason right in front of the hapless couple who were just trying to enjoy their day at the park," stated the official. "While past attempts to encourage people to think, or at least move to the side, before stopping have been unsuccessful, we are optimistic about the possibilities of this year’s plan."

There were unconfirmed rumors that the park would also be allowing guests who are run into by strollers to return the favor with greater force, but this could not be confirmed.


Friday, November 19, 2004

Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom to Offer Free Goats

In what amusement industry insiders say is an attempt to compete against rival park Holiday World, Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom announced today that it would be offering free goats to any of its paying customers. This is believed to be a first for an American amusement park.

"Everone likes to get something for free, especially if they're accustomed to paying for it when they should not have to," said a SFKK spokesman. "We always like to look out for what's best for our customers. At any other amusement park, if a patron forgot their goat, they would be stuck. But here we will provide the free goats."

The spokesman noted that customers could actually get unlimited goats, but only the small ones. The full size and special souvenir goats would still be the usual price.

Holiday World, which offers free drinks, parking, and suntan lotion, but not free goats, refused to comment to ARN&R on the matter.


Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Be Politically Active

You might not quite be able to read that, but it says "Don't blame me, I voted for Raven."

You can get the fancy organic two-sided one here (the back says "Vote Raven/Legend in 2008") or the cheapo one-sided one here ($9.99 -- hey, that's less than $10, so long as you ignore shipping!).

These shirts will be the must-have items next year. Heck, we've already gotten orders from America's Next Top Model.

Though we think they might have bought them to use to tie off before shooting up.

Monday, November 15, 2004

We're Still Here

As many as two or three of our valued readers out there may have noticed that the updates have not been as fast and furious at ARN&R as usual. Fear not, friends. We have not abandoned you. Nor have we run out of story ideas, and we haven't spent the last week absentmindedly plucking at our scrotums while looking at pictures of Thunderhead. Not much, anyway. The main reason for the slower schedule has been the relocation of one of the editors to a new apartment, where the combination of lugging boxes and cleaning while also not missing any work has occupied pretty much every minute of his free time.

Also he had to set his fantasy football lineups.

But don't fret, little campers, your trusty co-editor is sort of moved in, and is ready to provide you with all the juiciest true facts about your favorite amusement parks in the upcoming days. Assuming he's in the mood, anyway. He can get pretty ornery.

And keep your eyes peeled for an upcoming major announcement from ARN&R regarding an exciting new business venture for the website. We promise you'll love it.


Thursday, November 11, 2004

Surviving IAAPA: A Guide for Enthusiasts

Hey enthusiasts, it is FMB rappin' at ya with the latest in IAAPA "do's and don'ts."  I know you have been wondering what to wear, what to say and how to shake your groove thing while on the show floor.  All I can say is don't worry, we've got you covered.  Delve into some of these great pointers and soon you and Claude Mabillard will be on the friendship tip.

5) Marathon

Those rides out back are set up for enthusiasts -- for you.  Be sure to spend a lot of time riding and re-riding each piece of equipment to make sure you can post how much fun they were or how much they sucked.  Don't forget to tell the guy stuck working in the Florida sun whether or not you like the ride; his company will appreciate your input.  Afterwards, feel free to pleasure yourself on the diamond plating.

4) Interview For Your Website

Your site on Earthlink is arguably the finest source of coaster information out there.  It doesn't matter that you still list the "New For '01" coasters, people come to you because you are the enthusiast with brains. Don't feel bad about cornering Werner Stengel for a half-hour to talk about Millennium Force.  He loves talking to someone as smart as you.  Make sure he leaves with one of the business cards you printed up at home.  Yes, soon the Steng-dog will be dropping an email asking design advice.

3) Sport a Mullet

Nothing says "professional" like a mullet.  This tells people that you are business in the front, party in the back and one hardcore coaster-marathoning motherf*cker.  When you roll up with the t-tops down in the hot Florida sun and your feathered mullet blowing in the wind, heads will turn and everyone will know a high-roller has just stepped onto the show floor.  Don't be embarrassed by how successful you are -- embrace it.

2) No Stress Dress

This is your only vacation from being shift manager at McDonald's, so enjoy life!  Don't be afraid to weather that black Mamba t-shirt that is a few sizes too small.  No one will even notice your gut with that foxy Beast belt buckle.  Ride manufacturers always enjoy it when you hang around their booth in a t-shirt that has their coaster on it.  In fact, if you see customers having to wait to talk to a representative, don't be afraid, start telling them why Manufacturer X "rocks."

1) Interrupt

If I have learned one thing, it is that IAAPA is for enthusiasts.  Make sure you interrupt when ride people are talking about products, especially when they are going over final contract points.  You paid to get in and therefore you are just as important to Vekoma as Marty Skelar.  Trust me, they will be so impressed when you tell them how to improve their rides!

Well folks, I will see you down in the Sunshine State.  Just look for the handy-dandy neon yellow ARN&R press pass.  I can't wait to discuss the best seat on TTD with you at Denny's.

Surviving IAAPA: A Guide for Industry Buyers

For decades Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors has been the voice of the amusement industry and in 2004 we are proud to step up our IAAPA coverage to unprecedented levels. For months, industry leaders, CEOs and even Mickey himself have come to us wanting to know how to “work” the show floor.  Here are what we consider the five most important tips to making the most out of your time as a buyer for your park, carnival, FEC, or fictional Pittsburgh-area amusement park/entertainment complex.

5)  Chicks in Bikinis

Almost every year a few booths set up with hot chicks in bikinis that do not speak English.  Be sure to stop by them often.  Your wife probably has a “mom ass” by now and knows you very well -- but not these women. They barely understand a word you say as you drool over their tight bodies.  When they ask “U vant Laser Tag?” you should not respond; just continue to stare at their chests.

4)  Free Food

The show floor is big and you will get hungry.  Be sure to take advantage of the delicious tiny morsels of Dippin’ Dots, Noble Roman’s Pizza and Steve’s Sausage you get to wait in line an hour for.  Don’t bother with the great restaurants mere steps away (e.g. Peabody) -- you only have eight hours each day to see the five people you made appointments with!

3)  Hotel Porn

If the person that handles expense accounts is an old woman unwilling to talk about sex (or just stupid) then take advantage of the many movie choices offered by your hotel.  “Secretary Sluts Five,” “Asian Delights” or even “Sex Wars Episode Two: Boning the Clones” will be sure to get the job done.  If your employer has the nerve to ask you about buying beat material tell them to simply look at the receipt.  All it says is “movie.”  What are they going to do about it?  Fire you?

2)  Indoor SCAD Tower: Not a Good Idea

This is pretty self explanatory.  The SCAD tower set up inside drops you into a net.  The same net the company forgot to set up for one child.  Simply put, don’t ride it.  This is also something to think about when considering attractions for your park.

1)  Drink Heavily

It is called an expense account for a reason, so use the damn thing.  Don’t be afraid to buy a drink for that pretty lady at the bar who might be a hooker. It is easy to hide $20 in drinks and even easier to feed a dead prostitute to Shamu.  Go for it!  After all, you’re on vacation.


Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Old Town Opens Shakira

To battle the new Busch Gardens Tampa investment SheiKra, Old Town in Kissimmee, Florida has promised Shakira for the 2005 season. PR Director Steve Stern said, “Sure that park has a multi-million dollar investment, but we have Shakira.”

For hours worthless enthusiast boards buzzed about what the new attraction could be. Was it a hyper coaster? Was it a gigantic flume? Was it a Vegas-style revue featuring the ass-shaking singer herself?

“We looked at every exciting ride on the market today and bought a Vekoma SLC,” said Stern. “It will be there ‘Whenever, Wherever,’ get it, just like her song. Jesus, I'm clever.”

Walking with Stern we saw where Old Town plans to put the new ride. We also asked some locals about their thoughts on naming a ride after the two-hit wonder. Most had never heard of the singer, but one enthusiastic man in a Florida Coaster Club t-shirt lit up when her name was mentioned.

“Yeah, I LOVE Shakira,” said 28 year-old Timothy Stubbins of Tampa. “I pleasured myself to that song of hers during Robb Alvey’s coaster video,” the disturbing man continued.

This reporter encourages all IAAPA attendees to get down to Old Town ASAP so they can get “underneath the restraints” of the new coaster.

Shakira could not be reached for comment.


Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Sweet, Sticky Dreams

Steve Hallinski had a problem. Well, to most people, he has several problems, but Hallinski doesn't consider "backne" or a penchant for Dirty Sanchezes things to take issue with. No, the recent trouble was that the ACEr didn't know how he would split his time at the "ACE Lost Weekend in Las Vegas." The issue was simple: Hallinski loves to ride coasters (he owns a "We Ride All Year Shirt" despite not being a member of the Florida Coaster Club), but he also likes to eat.

"The buffets call to me like sweet sirens of love," the fat man sighed. "I didn't know how I would be able to ride without them." Fortunately for members like Hallinski, ACE created a new solution just in time for the event.

"We call it the ACE Feedbag," said ACE Queen of Thunder Carole Sanderson. "They are cute and personalized. You can sew patches on, put your Disney pin collection on the side or even give it a mullet. I call mine Mr. Twinkles."

When the big day in Vegas came Hallinski was ready. At seven in the morning he had Cocoa Puffs and milk strapped into the bag while rolling back and forth on the Stratosphere's X-Scream attraction. The plump enthusiast had chosen to decorate his feedbag with patches of Kennyood's Phantom's Revenge because the logo was just "that f*cking cool." When talking about the Vegas event, Hallinski said the following with reverence: "There is nothing like looking out over the Vegas strip as sweet chocolaty goodness sloshes around in your mouth." Wiping back a tear he continued, "It is a beautiful thing, I owe Jesus one."


Monday, November 01, 2004

Welcome to Hell


Just in case you didn't get a good enough scare on Halloween this year, we strongly urge you to visit our Site O' the Weak, Boils the Clown's Fun House. Be sure to crank the volume and sit through the entirety of the perhaps most garish, Flash-crazed, obnoxious intro ever devised for a website. And then, if you haven't suffered a violent seizure, have a gander at the main page...if there were a monetary prize awarded for having the most annoying flashing gizmos, unnecessary sounds, animated cursors, and eye-searing color combinations, Boils would not only win hands down, but would likely have the award named after him, as well. And don't forget to waste a few precious moments of your life playing the site's games and riding its rides, all of which suck worse than you could possibly imagine.

Incidentally, studies have shown that viewing Boils the Clown's Fun House directly can actually cause retinal scarring, so we have found that it is best to treat the site as one would a solar eclipse...view it only indirectly, using incredibly expensive NASA-approved Mylar or aluminum-coasted safety goggles, or, as a cheaper alternative, projecting the images through a pinhole onto a sheet of paper.


Thursday, October 28, 2004

Irritation: A Comparative Study

Irritation. It's an emotion we commonly experience, both when we read grammatically suspect Coasterbuzz posts and when we go about our daily lives. But what causes that unwelcome feeling to flare up the most violently? A day at a Six Flags park? Waiting in line at the supermarket? Or something else entirely? In the interest of science, ARN&R managed to coax one of its writers out of his home and persuaded him to visit several potentially obnoxious venues where he would be exposed to asinine, obnoxious, stupid, and annoying people in massive numbers. Below are his comments on each potentially irritating venue, in reverse order of how much being at each one pissed the hell out of him:

5. Metallica Concert

Fears of having every possible human bodily fluid falling, dripping or violently projecting itself upon me by other audience members were not realized. Expected to be trapped in group of moshers or between combatants in fistfight, but proved not to happen. Expected the absolute dregs of human evolution to be in attendance, but generally this was not the case at all. Only major issues: the fat lady with the greasy hair next to me who kept singing loud and out of tune and with wrong lyrics; tremendous amounts of smoking in blatant disregard for city ordinances (which would have been forgivable depending on whether the smoke had given me a contact buzz, but, disappointingly, was almost entirely of the Marlboro variety); and large groups of fans leaving for a beer or sitting down when Metallica performed Creeping Death or The Four Horsemen immediately after jumping around and screaming for anything written since the Black Album. Mildly vexing for sure, but, all things considered, a far better experience with throngs of humanity than expected. Shockingly, this venue definitely had the fewest assholes of any of those sampled.

4. Orchestra Concert

You'd think going to the symphony would give you some respite from all the jackasses running around the streets these days. But apparently my refuge and temple, my sanctuary from having to deal with the unwashed Plebeians, my place to experience works of culture, has been invaded by the barbarian hordes. During a single concert, I was assailed by not less than seven old ladies slowly crinkling and unwrapping hard candies, taking over three excruciating minutes each time; four screeching babies who should not have been allowed in the hall in the first place, should have been immediately taken outside even if the parents were rude enough to bring them in the first place, and which, incidentally, were obviously being stabbed with sewing needles by their parents in order to maintain that sort of volume and length of ear-piercing obnoxiousness; two people allowing cell phones to ring, then picking them up, and then carrying on full-voiced conversations for several minutes; as many as a dozen dickheads in our section alone talking with each other in voices loud enough to drown out the music from the stage; and a group of sixteen that came in twenty minutes late being allowed and helped by the ushers to plow past us on the way to their seats, distracting me from a particularly favorite moment in one piece. What was this, a f*cking football game?

3. Grocery Store

Eight different screaming, filthy children crashed into me at one point or another. Was checking overpriced item in aisle at same time as someone else was checking something else directly across from me. This old lady came up and saw the aisle blocked, and instead of waiting three seconds as I very obviously started to nicely move my cart out of the way, she rammed as hard as she could into my shins with her cart two or three times and didn't even claim to be sorry. Bitch. And then I got to wait in a line to pay. Of course, since it was Saturday afternoon, and everyone in the free world was here specifically to annoy me, we had exactly one cashier and no one bagging groceries. After about three hours, was driven completely insane by woman in front of me, who waited until the entire six hundred items she had were rung up before asking to pay one third with her credit card (which she was then unable to run through the reader on her first fourteen tries), one third with a check drawn from the First National Bank of East Finland, and one third with pennies that she counted out one by one. She also waited until after all of this transpired to produce forty-five coupons, requiring everything to be done all over. All I have in my house is ketchup, tap water, and a seven-year-old can of Spam, but I'll happily live off that for the next month if it means I don't have to go back to this hellhole.

2. Movie Theater

The two seats my girlfriend and I occupied for a 9PM flick were obviously the only oasis available in a desert of stupid f*cks. We probably actually were able to both view and clearly hear approximately seven minutes of the entire movie. I see that movie theaters are not the place to come if you want to see movies. However, if you'd like to yell on your cell phone, run up and down the aisles, make drug deals, throw ice and popcorn at other people, and scream at the top of your voice to your little asshole friends all over the theater, then you'd probably have fun at Showcase North Haven. Although one can get a smug sense of satisfaction knowing that one has an IQ greater than every other cretin in this dump and their parents combined, it's actually not that much fun to be the civilization amongst the savages I'm never going to the movies again. My DVD player and TV may not be all that great, but at least I won't have to pay ten of my hard-earned dollars to watch films in the presence of the great unwashed scum of the Earth.

1. Visit to Six Flags New England

Good Lord, this place was full of assholes. No wonder I had a season pass and still only came here four times the whole season. Loved the teenagers fighting with each other who crashed into me. Shoved them off and they threatened to "get their boys and come f*ck me up." Charming. Six rednecks drinking bottles of malt liquor in line for Cyclone yelled disgusting things at young women and then tried to grab their asses. Two ACE members spotted me and followed me around for three hours, not taking hints that I hated them. Actively insulted them, and they still refused to leave me alone. Eventually I tired of their stupid top ten lists and general braying like donkeys about reride policies and their coaster button collections and told them I had to take a big shit. They followed me into bathroom anyway. Naturally I did not need to take a shit, but I entered stall and began making tremendous and disgusting farting and splatting sounds on my arm, encouraging them to think I was incredibly ill. After one hour of this, they finally realized their need for twenty rides on Superman was in jeopardy and left. Every coaster ride featured both a disgustingly muddy seat where some jerk stepped on it when getting out and a girl screaming as piercingly as possible in attempt to piss off other passengers during the ride itself. Line breaking occurred exactly 654 times during the day, generally right in front of security. More teenagers spat on people riding on T-bolt below their hang-out spot on the ride's exit ramp. Smoking occurred in line exactly 436 times without comment from nearby security guards. More teenagers threw rocks from roller coaster while in motion. Security promised to "look into it." Kids splashed in mud puddles trying to soil everyone else nearby. Parents of kids laughed merrily instead of beating the shit out of them as they deserved. Single train operation on all rides increased exposure to loud, smoking, line-cutting assholes to extraordinary lengths of time. Halfway through day, told self "oh, f*ck this. I'm going home."

We have a winner. I have never been this irritated in my entire life. Not even when I see George Bush on TV.


[Editor's Note: The original posting of this story unfortunately implied that JCK's girlfriend was incredibly fat ("...the two seats my girlfriend occupied..."). The author, of course, meant to say "the two seats my girlfriend and I occupied..." The author also wishes to state, for the record, out of fear of having his ass kicked by said girlfriend, that said girlfriend actually is quite tiny and occupies approximately one third of one seat, not two full ones. We extend our thanks to an alert reader who made us aware of this error, and therefore assisted the author in averting a potential ass-whupping.]

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Enthusiast Harasses Tourist Bureau

With the news of the demise of the popular “flyers” ride at Paramount’s King’s Island, reaction ranging from outrage, to tears, to bed wetting permeated the enthusiast community. Many coaster enthusiasts were moved to pick their large rear ends off the couch to call the park and beg and plead for the flyers to stay for that outside chance that their parents might drive them across 5 states to the park to ride an attraction that is available at many local parks. While most of these calls were met with stiff resistance (and gut-busting laughter) one enthusiast managed to draw the ire of an entire country.

Ken Myers has been banned from traveling to the country of Australia after incessantly calling the “King Island” tourism department, located in Tasmania, Australia. According to reports from the beleaguered tourism officials, Myers’ original call was very confusing to the clerk who had the misfortune of answering the phone.

After informing Mr. Myers that she had no idea what “flyers” were, and that this was the King Island tourism center, Linda Biron tried to deal with the situation amicably.

“Mr. Myers became enraged, screaming about BRD, or ERP, something like that. Maybe it was ERT. He kept saying he deserved extra time to ‘ride the flyers’ because of his impressive ‘track record’. I told him my boyfriend also has an impressive ‘track record’ to try and get this creep off my phone and this seemed to calm him down. But he seemed to take an odd interest in my boyfriend when I said that, and asked just how long his ‘track record’ was. At that point, I hung up on him and reported the incident to my manager.”

The King Island tourism center received no less than eight calls from Mr. Myers. According to reports, Mr. Myers became more and more belligerent with every call, threatening boycotts, vandalism and even “nasty messages on Coasterbuzz, whatever the hell that means” according to another clerk, Mr. Ted Gorfy. After the eighth call, the issue was brought up to Australian Police, as this was an international call. Mr. Myers was warned to stop calling under penalty of International Law, to never visit the country of Australia, and to possibly “get a life.”

Mr. Myers was unavailable for comment, but his mother had this to say: “All I have to say is he better get off that damnable internet and work some more hours at the convenience store to help pay this phone bill! Between the eating and now this, his father and I are about ready to kick him out of the house. It has been 32 years you know. On second thought, maybe just the eating is enough …”


Tuesday, October 26, 2004

First U.S. Installation of Screaming Squirrel Announced

An innovative S&S/Arrow family coaster will make its U. S. amusement park debut in Spring, 2005. The Screaming Squirrel, a production-model wild mouse-style ride where cars actually dive completely upside down, has previously only existed at the S&S facility in Logan, Utah, but that will change with the opening of a new installation of the compact ride at New Jersey's Bowcraft Amusement Park. Although Bowcraft is already home to a small Dragon model of junior coaster, the park has high hopes that being home to the unusual new Squirrel coaster will both bring the coveted coaster enthusiast demographic, as well as even more local guests, to its gates.

Although the Screaming Squirrel is available from S&S as a standard model, Bowcraft has decided to make its version stand out from potential copycats with extensive theming. According to park sources, park guests will approach the ride through a pine forest loaded with 6000 live and ominously chattering squirrels, which may or not pelt people on the head with acorns. Small groups of riders will next enter a preshow room where they will be subject to a simulated attack from vicious flesh-eating squirrels.

Following this simulated attack, riders board the unique four-person vehicles. Adding to the atmosphere, ride operators will wear realistic and comfortably warm squirrel fur outfits. During the ride's course of several dives and vertical switchbacks, the extensive theming continues with realistic and sudden attacks at random intervals by killer squirrels. The combination of a roller coaster ride, added to the utterly lifelike and terrifying squirrel attacks, is expected, in the words of a Bowcraft rep, to "make grown men squeal like pigs at the very sight of a common grey squirrel for the remainder of their pathetic natural lives."

The new ride will feature an advertising campaign based on the following slogan: "Bust Your Nut on the Screaming Squirrel!"

--JCK (with assistance from FMB)

Sunday, October 24, 2004

X Already Dreading Solace Aftermath

In an exclusive ARN&R interview, X, the controversial "4D" coaster at Magic Mountain, confided that he's already dreading a post-Solace Magic Mountain event that will likely involve ERT for "those fat bastards."

"Life!  Don't talk to me about life," the famously unreliable coaster reported, "Do you know how many times a day I'm vomited on?  No, of course you don't.  Why would you care about what I go through?  You just want to sit your fat, human body on my aching structure and ride me.  No one cares what I go through.  No one cares about the incredible ache down my rear structural support ever since the last ERT."

"1,547.  What?  You don't know what that means?  Of course you don't. That's the number of times I've been vomited on.  Not that you care."

"I've been peed on 36 times as well," the manically depressed coaster added, "Oh, is that too much information?  Well pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don't know why I bother to say it.  God, I'm depressed."

"It's hard enough running the two or three days a week that I bother.  At least half the load on my poorly built frame is kids and teenagers.  But enthusiast ERT, my God!  Every time I think the fattest person in the world has crammed into my restraints, another one sits down.  What are these people so enthusiastic about anyway?  Roller coasters or pork chops?"

"Oh great.  I bet enthusiasts are going to hate me for saying that now.   That's okay.  Everyone hates me.  People that ride me hate me for having a four-hour line.  People that can't ride me hate me for being closed. Magic Mountain hates me for being so expensive to maintain.  Arrow hated me for being so expensive to build and for pushing them into bankruptcy, like it was my fault they planned for the future as well as Milli Vanilli.  Even other coasters hate me.  None of them want to talk to me.  Top Thrill Dragster used to speak to me when everyone hated him, but now he won't even return my calls.  If you just ignore me I expect I shall probably go away."

At this point, X concluded the interview by breaking down.

--MOS (with just a touch of input from Douglas Adams [R.I.P. Douglas])

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Six Flags Plots New Strategy

OKLAHOMA CITY -- Six Flags Inc (NYSE: PKS) will be overhauling its parks for 2005, stated chairman Kieran E. Burke yesterday at a meeting of stockholders.

"These are desperate times in America, and they require desperate actions on the part of forward-thinking management," he said.

Faced with sagging profits and dwindling attendance, the world's largest regional theme park operator has blamed everything from weather to terror threats for its lackluster performance. But Burke said that he had finally identified the true cause.

"I finally walked through one of our jewels, Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. I must admit, it was a hole," he said shamefully. "The food was overpriced and unappealing, the rides were either broken down or had ridiculously long lines, there was trash everywhere on the midway and the bathrooms hadn't been cleaned since the previous season."

Burke announced a three-step plan for turning the chain around. The first step, he said, was to "not deny the tradition that Six Flags has developed in its long proud tradition." Customers, he said, flock to their parks for the unique Six Flags experience. "Rather than run from our guests' expectation, I intend to meet them head on."

Beginning in 2005, all rides will operate for only 15 minutes per day before the parks close. "This will ensure that our guests no longer have to fear rides constantly breaking down due to poor maintenance. With such a brief operating schedule, our crews will be able to keep the rides in top condition."

This practice will also turn a former deficit into an asset. "Long lines will no longer be a problem, since the rides will not be running." This will also allow the chain to cut its maintenance staff in half.

The second initiative is regarding the food service at the park. "We will turn to the masters of food service in the world, the United States Military. We have contracted with them for 2005 to provide MREs at all our parks. Our guests will enjoy the same quality food that our valued soldiers and Marines do." The advantage of this, Burke claimed, is consistency. It also will help instill patriotism in the guests, reminding them of the sacrifices our troops are making overseas.

The final change that Burke announced was in regard to the park's cleanliness. The challenge, he said, is the difficulty in finding low-wage workers who want to engage in the dirtiest jobs at the parks. So he plans to eliminate all of the park's restroom and waste reclamation facilities, along with most of the custodians.

"When I saw all the trash on the ground at Kentucky Kingdom, I realized that this was a potential gold mine waiting to be exploited." Rather than force guests to walk a few feet to throw their trash into a refuse container, Burke will encourage that guests throw their trash, and especially their food, directly onto the ground.

"We are purchasing 1500 roto-tillers, which will be used to mix the trash, which after all is fertilizer, directly into the ground throughout the day. This will not only help to nourish the thousands of dying plants in our parks, but also create much more of a quaint country fair atmosphere. It will also eliminate the costly maintenance of thousands of tons of poured concrete walkways."

Burke's novel solution to the challenge of maintaining restroom facilities follows the same idea. "Our parks are famous for their forested areas, but many of our guests never see the abundance of shade we provide. So our most-used park facility will be a deep hole in the forest serving as the park's lavatory, which will encourage our guests to commune with nature."

At the end of each day, the hole will be bulldozed and a new one dug out. "I did this all the time at home for my dog, just on a much smaller scale. If it's good enough for my dog, it's certainly good enough for Six Flags guests."

Burke is confident that his strategy will work. "We expect profits to grow by 75 percent next year, barring any more natural disasters or terrorist attacks. Or, you know, any weather that is not sunny and 72 degrees."


Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Holiday World's Plans Exposed

Holiday World today announced a large expansion of its Splashin' Safari water park, as well as a new flat ride and a second train on its acclaimed Raven roller coaster.

ARN&R, however, has learned the truth behind the park's plans, having acquired a confidential memorandum from Will Koch, head of the park, to employees. Its text is reproduced here exclusively:

TO: Staff
FR: Will Koch
RE: Rebranding the Park

You have all now received a copy of our press release announcing the significant expansion of the water park with our new wave pool called "Bahari," the new "Revolution" flat ride, and the second train on Raven. This memorandum provides you with further information about how this fits into my ultimate goal of the park being acquired and rebranded as "Six Flags Over That Empty Part Of Indiana."

In order to properly impress Six Flags corporate into purchasing the park, please note the following:

- We will consistently be running the second train on Raven, but the second train will at all times be completely empty.

- Although the water park is nearly doubling in size, we will be reducing our employee count in that area by 20% and throw away half of our tubes.

- The new flat ride will be inoperable for 75% of the time with no signage or explanation.

- Our popular "free soda" program will henceforth be limited to one two-ounce cup per day and will only include "Squirt" brand soda.

- Our popular "free sunscreen" program will provide only SPF 3 sunscreen. Additional sunscreen will cost $5 for a one-ounce bottle.

- We will immediately spend millions on an ad campaign featuring a freakish old person insisting that the park is fun while not actually doing anything to make it so.

I thank you for your cooperation in this exciting time.

I remain, very truly yours,

Will "Mr. Six" Koch

Monday, October 04, 2004

Screamscape Contributor Files Suit Against Great Adventure Employee

Jason Knobler has filed a lawsuit against Carol Lipinski, an employee of the Dippin' Dots dessert stand. The complaint, filed yesterday, alleges that Lipinski "totally lied" about Six Flags Great Adventure's new coaster plans and, in fact, "totally made lots of shit up" during the course of the 2004 season.

Apparently, Knobler’s deal with the three-hundred-pound Lipinski was for "sexual services" at prearranged meetings during the months of July and August. At the end of each session, it was arranged that Lipinski would service Knobler back with a new piece of information about Great Adventure’s planned roller coaster for 2005, information that Knobler would send via his cell phone to Screamscape, hoping to break the story.

"I worked very, very hard for that information," said Knobler in a prepared statement, "and endured acts that would break most men. In the two months that I 'serviced' Ms. Lipinski, during those encounters, and their aftermath, I questioned my identity, my sanity, and my sexuality. And for what? She told me it was a 500 foot, B&M, inverted, launched coaster that went underwater. I want restitution!"

When contacted by ARN&R, Lipinski responded that she only told Knobler "what he wanted to hear." When asked about the lawsuit, Lipinski said she felt no ill will toward Knobler and, in fact, "wished he would call her sometime."


Saturday, October 02, 2004

Fox News: Kerry "Really Likes Sky Princess, Scared of Hypers"

Following up on their amusing -- if completely fictional -- story suggesting that John Kerry declared himself a good candidate because, among other things, he gives manicures, Fox News also reported yesterday that Kerry is a "huge fan" of Sky Princess at Dutch Wonderland and that he is "pants-wettingly scared" of hypercoasters.

"In a speech given yesterday in central Pennsylvania, Kerry told the crowd that 'Sky Princess' at nearby Dutch Wonderland is as big a coaster as he can handle. He also stepped out from behind the podium and wet himself just thinking about riding Phantom's Revenge at Kennywood," wrote Fox's Carl "Honest, I'm Fair And Balanced Even Though I'm Parroting Republican Talking Points" Cameron. "Kerry then put on eyeliner and danced in a tutu before proposing to John Edwards," the story concluded.

Fox later retracted the story, reporting that Cameron "just got all fatigued again" and that "this time we told him it was a really bad thing." The Kerry campaign whimpered and accepted the apology.

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Relentless Protests Greet Kingda Ka Announcement

According to Six Flags Great Adventure representatives, all they wanted for next season was to open a blatant copy of another ride that works about ten percent of the time, except make it a little higher and give it shoulder restraints to make it excrutiatingly painful. They thought they had found that with Intamin's Kingda Ka, but SFGRAD has been deluged with a monumental storm of protest over the ride's name.

"It's bad enough that all these stupid coaster enthusiasts are already bitching that our new coaster will cause foot-deep bruises in their collarbones," said park rep Joseph Stallworth. "Now we're getting all sorts of other complaints just about the name of the ride!"

Among the protestors are various religious and cultural groups. Hindus have made known their displeasure with the inclusion of the word "Ka" in the ride's name, as "Ka," aside from being a word one can use to describe what cannot be properly described or expressed, is also the name of the Hindu god Brahma in one of his forms.

"They also complained that the only restaurant we planned to have open anywhere near the ride was our new Hindu-themed beef-on-a-stick place," Stallworth added. "What's up with that?"

Ancient Egyptians have also stepped forward to announce their disapproval. "The ka is a spirit double inside each person from the time they are born," said noteworthy former pharaoh Maatkara Hatshepsut. "Gods could possess them and offerings were made to them after the death of their host bodies. An amusement park that cheapens the meaning of the term 'ka' is just asking for a deadly curse. Don't f*** with the pharaoh, bitches."

Additionally, a group called the Dayton Area Korean Association (DAKA) sent several members to complain that Six Flags had stolen the name of their organization's leader. "I don't know about that one," said Stallworth. "I strongly doubt that an elected office-holder for a small organization is known as 'King' DAKA to anyone. 'President' or 'Chairman' or 'Bob' all seem more likely."

DAKA noted that it would continue to feature a webpage with an irritating pink "Welcome" traveling cursor until their message was heard by Six Flags officials.

Finally, Jiangyan City Kingda Co., Ltd. sent a letter informing Six Flags of its intention to file suit over a trademark infringement on its name. In a statement clearly drawn up by the Kingda Company's employee responsible for creating its online advertisement (featuring such information as "[o]ur factory is product needle roller bearings series, our quatity control system is is o9002. We coprate with college and technologic unit, well equipped with superior production equipment, perfect checkup and testing method."), Kingda Company notes that "Sex Flug useing are nem ill eagley we willtak yo to curt unit!"

Stallworth admitted that officials from both Six Flags, Inc., as well as from Great Adventure itself, would be holding emergency discussions about Kingda Ka and the protests early tomorrow morning. Although Stallworth refused to comment directly on the matter to ARN&R , there has been some speculation that the park will seek to stave off the massive wave of bad publicity and possible legal action by changing the name of the ride, in spite of any costs this might incur. Please stay tuned to ARN&R, as we will report on any further breaking Kingda Ka news as it develops.

--JCK/Grand Poobah
10 Month-Old Consultant Impresses Six Flags Board

In his tapioca-stained Elmo underoos, Chance Dixon, Jr. could pass for any other toddler. But when he crawls into the Six Flags boardroom...things are a little different.

Dixon’s capital expenditure choices continue to create waves. Widely credited for inspiring Hurricane Harbor by drooling on a Great America brochure, he seems to top himself with every move.

“Kingda Ka was the perfect name for our latest coaster!” raved Kieran Burke, pausing to check the tape on his own adult-sized diaper. “And the family attractions BlaLaLaa, Pfffffffft and Uh-oh Poopy will be sure-fire smash hits as well.”

“Hell, we don’t even know what rides they’ll be yet,” he continued, spoon-scraping strained peas from his own lower lip back into his mouth. “But we’ll toss a few manufacturer’s catalogs in front of him and uh, let the oddly moist Cheerios fall where they may.”

“Ooh!” continued Burke after grunting heavily. “I made a solid one this time!”


Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Enthusiast Suffers Nervous Breakdown

Jim Taney, an enthusiast for several years, was arrested and committed today after not being able to withstand the pressure of choosing between incessantly playing a half-functional demo of the newest version of Roller Coaster Tycoon and constantly refreshing the homepage of Six Flags Great Adventure to find out the speed and height of their newest coaster, announced today.  

While Taney has already ridden Cedar Point's Top Thrill Dragster, a near-clone of the new ride, 223 times, family members recalled him frequently calculating track lengths required for various heights and speeds of rocket coasters, as well as writing and crossing out 420 repeatedly.  Police found no evidence of drugs in Taney's possession.  

"He kept muttering something about a track length not being long enough, and something about the end of the world if Six Flags takes Cedar Point's record," said Taney's brother, the star quarterback at the local high school.  I really didn't understand any of it, or care.  It's been sunny and 70 degrees for five days straight. I've been outside. I try to stay away from my brother as much as possible."

When the half-functional demo of Roller Coaster Tycoon 3 was released on Monday, Taney reportedly blew off work at Burger King, his mother's birthday and his first date in five years to play the game.  On Wednesday morning at approximately 5:00 a.m., he was seen running around his neighborhood in underwear and a cape screaming "420!  3D!  450!  Atari!  120!  140!  I
don't know!"  Police were able to catch up with Taney easily as his three-hundred pound frame was jammed in the gate of his neighbor's fence.

Taney's only written statement was destroyed by spilled gravy, his only request once incarcerated and calmed down.


Monday, September 27, 2004

Pinfari Begins New Ad Campaign

Inspired by the widely adored and supremely clever Coors "Cold Hard Facts" advertising blitz, roller coaster company Pinfari has begun a new campaign touting the frostiness of their company's products.

"Other companies heat pasteurize their kiddie coasters," bellows one ad. "But Pinfari frost brews their Big Apple ride at five degrees Kelvin to lock in whimsy and fun."

"Most companies ship their coasters in a warm truck or train," yells another. "But Pinfari refrigerates its trains and trucks to keep your RC-50 cold. Pinfari! The coolest coasters around."

"Much as Coors touts its supreme frostiness rather than its putrid, skunky taste and urine-like smell, Pinfari is seeking to highlight unusual and unimportant aspects of its coaster distribution process," noted one representative from Bolliger & Mabillard. "No one cares if Abita Turbodog, Newcastle, or Guinness are frost brewed because they don't taste like muskrat spraint. Similarly, no one cared whether Hulk was shipped in a giant tanker coated in ice. Real coaster companies don't need to come up with stupid gimmicks to push their product."

Six Flags Magic Mountain Reveals X-Treme Ride Update

Los Angeles, CA: "It's the Russian Roulette of thrill rides!" say the promotional materials sent to the media.

The X-Treme X-perience of Thrill Shot at Six Flags Magic Mountain is about to get scarier. In an effort to attract more hardcore thrill seekers, the ride is being re-designed and will be launched in January 2005 as "Kill Shot."

"Plummeting downwards toward earth made you think you were going to hit the ground," said a Six Flags PR person at an exclusive press conference. "But in the back of riders' minds, they knew they were safe. What kind of extreme ride experience is that? With the addition of the fifth "death cycle" there is now a one-in-five chance that people will actually hit the ground and die." At the end of the press conference, none of the attending media wished to ride the new cycle.

Said the PR staffer, "You guys are a bunch of pussies."


Saturday, September 25, 2004

Hersheypark Fence-Removal Plan Draws Ire

Hersheypark has announced plans to remove an old wooden fence and replace it with a more modern steel fence. Upon hearing of the removal, several enthusiasts have written angry letters to the park and sparked many debates on internet message boards.

"I think it's disgraceful the way these parks are destroying the atmosphere of the classic amusement park. How many more fences will fall before the entire world is just full of fences with no character, no history? I know I will certainly be crying uncontrollably every time I pass by the fence's former site," said enthusiast Carl Tanner.

Other enthusiasts angrily posted on message boards from their easy chairs about the need to band together, and demand that the park maintain the old fence, rather than tear it out "for no apparent reason." The Wooden Fence Preservation Club has been formed in light of the incident.

When interviewed about the reaction, one Hersheypark official had this to say: "It's just a f***ing fence! We have ten coasters and someone's complaining about a fence?"Another park official mentioned that the fence was so old, the entire thing was falling down, and could have released a mudslide that would have blocked the entrance gate.

Tom Hough, who has never actually been to Hersheypark, has pledged to boycott the park until such time as two, or perhaps even three, fences of the same vintage are replaced at the park. "I just can't sit here and do nothing. I mean, really, is attendance going to be affected that much by having a steel fence instead of a wooden one? I have figures from seven different parks that put in wooden fences and saw bigger attendance jumps than those that put in steel." When it was pointed out that the "parks" were public parks and not amusement parks, Hough wet himself.


Friday, September 24, 2004

Rolucster Vare Good!

There are those who feel it isn't really nice when we make fun of children.

Our response? We aren't nice.

But, more importantly, when children create a website announcing such illuminating thoughts as "I MADE A ROLUCSTER IN CAMP" and "CAMP IS VARE GOOD I LIKE WEN WE DID THE ROLER COSTERE!" it's okay to make fun of children. Or, at the very least, the teachers who let them play with Borax and glue immediately before vainly attempting to write coherent sentences for a website (at least according to one writer on the webpage).

By the way, we're more than a little disturbed by one of the kids talking about how "I like the Fist Day." What the hell kind of camp is this, anyway?

Thus, our Site O' the Weak: BETR Kids Science Camp Newsletter.

Geauga Lake Plans New Ride For 2005 Near "The Dominator"

Geauga Lake has given ARN&R a sneak peek at the plans for their new ride in 2005. Called "The Submissive," this underground ride is a combination dark and water ride, with guests inhabiting a flume-like boat. With a taboo-breaking, state of the art, restraint system and some of the most extensive theming in Ohio since the Tombraider ride at Paramount's Kings Island, "The Submissive" will be quite a challenge for the manufacturer, Sally Interactive.

One of the most interesting elements of this ride will be its location. In one of the most novel ride installations in memory, "The Submissive" will be laid underneath "The Dominator," and will be almost entirely underground, with various small sections rising up to intersect with the 200-foot B&M floorless. John Kinzle, ride engineer at Sally Interactive, spoke to ARN&R about how the 2 rides will interact.

"We hope for 'The Dominator' to enter 'The Submissive' as many times as physically possible. During its course, we'd like to make it so that 'The Dominator' enters 'The Submissive' in many different ways, including the rear (of the station) and the mouth (of the tunnel)."

"The Submissive's" plans also include being penetrated by other nearby rides, but mainly "The Submissive's" plans deal with multiple penetrations by "The Dominator."

Kinzel is also hopeful about the progress of construction. "We've broken ground on numerous other rides in Ohio without incident, so we feel it's going to be extremely quick and easy to break "The Submissive."

Stay tuned to ARN&R for more details on this fascinating new ride.


Thursday, September 23, 2004

SFOG Finds New Ways To Infuriate Guests, Cleverly Foiling "Stop Infuriating Park Guests" Corporate Memo

With the park season winding down, it's time at Six Flags corporate headquarters to reward those parks that have gone "above and beyond" in the pursuit of alienating customers. In this tight and competitive race, Six Flags Over Georgia makes their pitch in this verbatim transcript of a high-level meeting:

"Well, in a nutshell, it was tough to alienate people this year," reports SFOG's General Manager Tim Davis. "A corporate memo came out at the start of the season explicitly telling us not to infuriate or annoy our guests. Not only that, but it listed in the memo numerous practices long held dear at Six Flags parks that were now banned. Practices like employees spitting on guests, paying children to throw rocks at passing coasters, encouraging rampant line cutting, permitting metric tons of feces to collect in the bathrooms without cleaning them, and, of course, our favorite, running single train operation on coasters when the park is at 80% capacity or below. These were all now banned behaviors."

"With that memo specifically telling us not to run single train operation, a lot of us in the SFOG head office were quite concerned as to how to properly annoy our guests with our hands tied like this. Thank God, Jim Brewer in maintenance had a solution."

"What Jim pointed out, and I’m still awestruck by his brilliance, was that the memo demanded we run multi-train operation, but said nothing about the train having to be occupied."

"So, we immediately implemented a rule -– whenever a coaster was in danger of not having a line, operators should immediately begin dispatching one train empty. Ride operators should continue doing this until the park closes, reassuring our guests that at SFOG, you can always be guaranteed of a line that leaves the station."

"But wait! Here’s the kicker! We then gave our employees a list of reasons that were completely absurd as to why we do this. We ask the employee to choose his own favorite, or just switch 'em around as the day progresses. The reasons are completely different, but share one element in common -– they make absolutely no sense."

Reasons employees were instructed to give out included:

• "If we don’t do this, the ride won’t have a line."
• "I dunno."
• "I just do what my boss tells me."
• "They don’t want trains to stack."
• "It’s better for the coaster this way."

Davis concluded, "So, thanks to a last minute save, we were able to continue infuriating guests."

Asked what SFOG would do if their ingenious practice was included in the next "Stop Infuriating Park Guests" corporate memo, Davis replied, "I’ll be honest with you. I’m not sure. But rest assured we’ll figure out something. We have a creative team, and we’re dedicated to doing whatever it takes to annoy a substantial amount of our customers every year."


Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Enthusiast Haiku
An ARN&R Exclusive

Robert Johnson, an avid coaster enthusiast who posts as GForcejin on CoasterBuzz, will be releasing a self-published book of haiku poems concerning being a roller coaster enthusiast. The book is to be available via the third or fourth pop-up ads on both CoasterBuzz and Screamscape at the end of this month.  Additionally, visitors to Ultimate Rollercoaster will, for their convenience, have the book automatically ordered for them and placed on their credit card via spyware.

Johnson has been kind enough to give ARN&R a preview of the work, titled Screaming in 5-7-5, the Ups and Downs of a Coaster Fanatic.  Johnson recently sat down with ARN&R and explained why this project is so special to him.  “What has made this project so magical is that it combines three of my greatest passions -- exhibiting the misery of my tortured soul, my love of complaining about amusement parks, and my mildly creepy obsession with everything Japanese.”

Here’s a preview of some selected haiku:

Six Flags Refreshment
Thirsty, so thirsty
Where are the water fountains?
Soda?  $4.50

Magic Mountain
Miles of concrete hell
Ride operators don’t care
If I live or die

Millenium Force
This slack rule be damned!
My kingdom for just an inch!
“No,” replies my gut.


Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Paul Hogan Relieved of Duty at Boomerang Bay

Officials at Paramount’s Great America in Santa Clara, California announced today that Paul Hogan has been asked to leave the park. In addition the Australian theming from the waterpark was removed.

Public Relations Director Mark Gazziele was closed-mouthed about the issue, but did issue a press release to ARN&R. It read:

“We at Paramount’s Great America are sorry to let Mr. Paul Hogan go. While we appreciated his efforts we felt he did not quiet understand the concepts of 'sobriety' and 'clothing' well enough to keep him on staff. In addition, our repeated requests for him to stop playing Midnight Oil and Men at Work in the waterpark were ignored. We wish Mr. Hogan the best of luck in his future endeavors.”

As of this morning the park still had Mr. Hogan on its website but said that his image will be gone shortly and all of his feces will be dredged from the kiddie pool.

When reached this morning, Mr. Hogan said nothing as he was passed out in a pile of his own sick.

ARN&R has learned that the drunken Australian often went around the waterpark holding his man unit in front of women saying, “Now this is a knife.” Apparently most of the guests did not take kindly to a throbbing Hogan while trying to play in the wave pool.

An announcement of the new theme is expected soon. Currently’s “Wild Rumors” section is abuzz with rumors that the waterpark will be themed to “Police Academy 5 - Assignment Miami Beach." Enthusiasts are already calling it another creative gem for Paramount Parks.


Sunday, September 19, 2004

Park Visitor Confused by Strange Blue Tint to Sky

Rye Playland visitor Reggie Harrison, 41, was extremely confused by what he described as a "weird blue discoloration" to the sky during his visit to the park Sunday.

"It was pretty creepy," he told ARN&R. "Instead of the natural dark grey or jet black colors that everyone knows the sky should be, it was this freaky blue color. Sky blue, even. And there was this nasty yellow-orange thing up there shining down on us. What the f*ck as that thing? It was totally messed up and just was really scaring me. I actually called the local news station and they said some other people had called in about the terrifying blue color of the sky, and they would look into it."

Harrison also noted that the "soothing horizontal moisture" that he was accustomed to experiencing every single day of the entire 2004 summer was notably absent on Sunday, leading to his concern that drought might be imminent in much of the country.


Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Six Flags Magic Mountain Suspends Service of Fugu Two Days After Debut
Casualty Count Still Unavailable

Food Etc., a food stand in the "Colossus County Fair" section of Six Flags Magic Mountain, has suspended service of fugu just two days after the fish's debut at the sushi stand there. Though no casualty count is confirmed, it's suspected that at least two people are dead after ingesting the tasty new delicacy.

Magic Mountain General Manager Del Holland had this to say:

"Anyone who knows Magic Mountain's quality of ride operations, food standards, and employee training easily knows the that our park has no negligent role in this tragedy." Holland stated, "There appears, actually, to be a problem with the supplier. Apparently, while they were supposed to deliver the rare and exotic delicacy of fugu to be served at our Food Etc. stand for the low and competitive price of $400 a plate, they instead delivered us an incredibly poisonous blowfish of some nature. Rest assured that this will work its way out in litigation, and we at Six Flags offer our deepest sympathies to all the victims of this erroneously-served food."

When it was explained to the General Manager that fugu is, in fact, an incredibly poisonous blowfish that requires a specially trained and licensed chef to prepare or else causes the painful death of anyone that ingests it, Mr. Holland paused to digest the information, then emitted the careful reply of "Oh shit."


Saturday, September 11, 2004

SLC Was Just a Practical Joke, Says Former Designer

The Vekoma Suspended Looping Coaster, a design cloned at scores of amusement parks worldwide, was just a pratical joke, says a former designer at the firm.

"Yeah, I was just horsing around with the boys," indicated Theodore van Bentheusen, 50, a former employee at Vekoma. "We were all trying to come up with a ride, and kept getting stuck without any useful concepts, and it was getting pretty grim and depressing after a few weeks of that. I figured I'd lighten the mood by cracking funny, so I threw together some plans for this ridiculous thing I called an 'SLC' in about five minutes and submitted it to the rest of the design team."

"It was really an amazingly funny prank I played," said van Bentheusen. "Simply the most idiotic coaster design ever. Anyone who rode one of those things would come off with cranial damage so severe they wouldn't remember their own name! I was snickering openly the whole time I was writing the proposal, so I was very proud of myself for keeping a straight face when I turned it in. I mean, it was hilarious seeing the rest of the guys wasting hours thoughtfully poring over the designs for something no one would ever possibly want to build!"

Sadly, none of the rest of the design team or management at Vekoma noticed that van Bentheusen's SLC, now known affectionally by coaster enthusiasts as a "Hang 'n' Bang," was actually a practical joke. Instead, the company rushed the model into production, and dozens of eager park owners fell all over each other trying to buy one or more of the contraptions for their establishments.

"A couple years ago, I had this other really great idea for a prank to play," said a wistful van Bentheusen. "I figured it would be hysterical to submit a design for this ride where the passengers bend over, and then this long barbed pole gets rammed deep into their anus, and then they go zooming around on a high-speed, rough coaster course filled with inversions while supported only by that barbed pole shoved up their ass. But then I remembered how everyone took my last prank seriously, and I didn't want to be responsible for unleashing more pain on the world."


Friday, September 10, 2004

Busch Gardens Tampa to Offer New Midway Game

Busch Gardens Tampa Bay announced yesterday that it would be opening a new combination attraction and midway game. The game, called "Hit the Alligator in the Head with a Donut," will be located where the alligators currently reside near the front of the park, and is being sponsored by Krispy Kreme.

"Everyone knows the alligators are completely unattended," said Busch spokesman Bruce McCulloch. "And since kids spend all day throwing turtle food and other foreign objects on the alligators' heads anyway, we figured we may as well make some money off it."

For $5, guests will now be able to receive 3 donuts which they may throw at the gators. If the guests are able to successfully hit the gators all three times, they will receive a prize of choice of either a tooth taken from a living alligator or an actual piece of alligator skin.

McCulloch further boasted the game continued BGT's parkwide goal of "creating animal attractions that are completely unattended by staff during the park day that showcase depressed, sickly looking animals in a dilapidated, unnatural, and poorly maintained surroundings."

10% of all proceeds, McCulloch concluded, will be donated to local animal shelters.


Thursday, September 09, 2004

SFOT Parking Signs to be Renamed

Six Flags Over Texas has recently made a commitment, as part of improving the guest experience, to rename the signs in their parking lot. The new signs, which will replace the letter/number system currently used by most Six Flags parks, are hoped to more accurately reflect the parking situation in the park that day.

The new names for the signs, in order of their proximity to the park, are:

Holy Shit, How Early Did You Wake Up, Freak!
Someone Got Lucky!
You're Not That Far Away
Well, Someone Woke Up A Half Hour Late!
Um... You're Kind of Far
Dude, You're Far Away
Dude, You're Very Far Away
Dude, You're Very, Very Far Away
Wow, You're Really Far Away
Hope Grandma Got A Wheelchair Handy!
Can You Even See the Park?

with the final, rather lengthy sign stating:

Are you sure you want to come to the park today? It's really, really crowded. Might we recommend you go to a ball game instead? It's actually closer to your car right now than the park.


Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Amusement Park Detective At It Again

Brian Eggeland, 41, of Plonsky, Pennsylvania was overheard by this ARN&R reporter making a shocking discovery while at Cedar Point last weekend.

Eggeland was standing under what appeared to be rock in the passageway in Frontierland. However, Eggeland showed his family that looks in a theme park such as Cedar Point can, in fact, be quite deceiving.

"See?" said Eggeland, knocking loudly on the exterior. "It's hollow!" he cried, "Totally fake!" Eggeland's family's reaction to this amazing discovery ranged from complete disinterest from his children to moderate embarrassment from his wife.

The material in question, which looks indistinguishable from actual rock to many four-year-olds and the blind, was successfully debunked by Professor Eggeland, who would later on prove conclusively that Snoopy is, in fact, just some underpaid teenager in a suit and that Disaster Transport is not actually a trip either from or to Alaska.


Monday, September 06, 2004

Legoland California Receives Unexpected Units

Tim Johanson, Legoland California’s General Manager, wasn’t sure what to make of his most recent shipment. Monday morning, his park got a truckload full of gigantic dildos. They were plastic penises of all sizes, some with balls and some with a simple shaft.

“I have never seen anything quite like a 4-foot penis,” Johanson said as he stood in awe. “I mean, that is just one gigantic pecker. Jesus, that’s big.”

After returning to his office Johanson tracked down the mix-up. In May he ordered additional theming supplies for the park’s new Dino Island section. The exhibit was to be called Dino-Rama, but apparently some sloppy note taking resulted in the arrival of sex apparel for a new Dildo-Rama section.

Tina Adams, one of the proprietors of Good Vibrations, a nationally known adult toy store, said she felt the order was a bit odd when she got the call from Roger Roberts, the head of the consulting group brought in by LegoLand. “I was wondering why a guy would call and talk about theming with me, but an order is an order. I can build dildos any size a customer needs. We just never thought we would mold a penis fit for Queen Kong. I thought about asking someone if we were doing the right thing, but since Southern California is the porn capital of the country I thought they were building a new kind of theme park.”

Back at Legoland Johanson tried to fit the dildos into the scenery. “We used them as palm trees, we made them into warriors’ spears and even created a stegosaurus out of dildos. Sure, it was fun to see kids playing on the ‘Dildosaurus’ but some of the parents got apprehensive. I guess they just don’t think a child speeding down a 10-foot dong is good wholesome fun. It’s not like they were in any danger -- the balls gently stopped the kids at the bottom of the slide.”

One of the most ingenious applications was turning an ejaculating penis into a Whitewater West Rain Fortress, but the park had to take it out because it only “poured water” once every few hours on a good day.

Despite the bizarre application the large one-eyed trouser snakes got some kudos from the amusement industry. The park won a Golden Ticket Award for “Best Use Of A Choad” and insightful industry veteran Paul Ruben called the display “simply breathtaking.”

Johanson looks forward to future installations but says he will watch over things with a closer eye. “I think we’ll have to be a little more careful with 2005’s new planned 4-d show ‘Fun With Felines,’” the tired GM said.


Friday, September 03, 2004

Dark Ride Electrocuted Guy To Be Replaced

Dark ride manufacturers across the country announced yesterday that Electrocuted Guy, appearing in virtually every dark ride in the nation, will immediately be replaced by an animatronic Sen. Zell Miller (D-GA).

"Man, we watched that dude at the Republican National Convention, and he was just batshit crazy," said Sally Rides spokesman Mark Gaudio. "My dog was cowering in the corner whimpering and my eight-year-old hasn't slept in the 36 hours since the speech. He just keeps muttering, 'Those eyes! Those terrible eyes!'"

Gaudio said that Sally technicians were already hard at work with what he called "the most challenging stunt we've ever tackled." Among the difficulties are creating enough facial expressions to recreate Miller's complex facial contortions while ensuring that his hands do not move more than a centimeter. Gaudio confided that the company is considering adding slight bits of foam at the corners of Miller's mouth.

Miller, who as a nominal Democrat was considered a coup for the Republican convention, is also being considered by a number of companies that create Halloween events. "We're considering dumping Brutal Planet and just doing Zell Hell," said Six Flags spokeswoman Wendy Reidster. "Room after room of him. Especially if we have video of him back when he said John Kerry was an 'authentic hero' and 'a good friend' playing in the queue. That'll really mess with people!"

ARN&R was unable to confirm reports that Miller was in negotiations with Universal to become the new mascot for Halloween Horror Nights at the company's Orlando parks.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

The Chain That Cried Wolf

In a unique twist, Six Flags executives have found their nuts swinging in the wind due to telling the truth.

“Ever since we bought Six Flags we have used ‘bad weather’ as an excuse for declining attendance,” said Kieran Burke, Six Flags CEO. “But this year it is true. A lot of parks have actually had rain...a lot of rain.”

Granted, Six Flags parks still have pay-to-cut programs, filthy bathrooms and rides that aren’t ready to open until 3 pm, but this year Mother Nature was a real bitch to the international amusement park chain.

“Nya, we have had a lot of water this year,” said Bugs Bunny, one of the chain’s contracted mascots. “All of the people using their twenty dollar season passes had a hard time coming to see me,” noted the waskily wabbit as he downed a fifth of Jack.

Burke said that every year the bad weather excuse has worked, but this year he very felt reluctant to whip it out again. “Our investors are pretty dumb, but I didn’t think they would buy the same excuse for yet another year,” he opined.

As this author writes, groups of General Mangers are creating new excuses for low attendance, such as:

- Herpes Spread by Toilets

- Roving White Suburban Gangs (That Listen to the Black Man’s Music)

- Fears That Al-Qaida Infiltrated the Falafel Stand

- Whores & Crack Addicts in the Gotham City Sewer System

Tempers and anxiety are rearing their ugly heads at the Oklahoma City headquarters. Empty packets of Immodium AD and Pepto-Bismol are strewn about on the floor and just last week two secretaries started bitch slapping one another for no apparent reason.

But Burke, holed away with his calculator and budgets, didn’t appear worried. He quietly said, “We’ve had no profits since we started this company. Why start now?”


Wednesday, September 01, 2004

"More Appropriate" New Mascots Debut at Disney

Visitors to Disney parks around the globe today were surprised to find that every one of Disney's legendary park mascots had been removed from the parks. Replacing them were a number of new characters designed, in the words of one Disney representative, "to better display our company's wholesome, family-friendly image in the most appropriate way possible."

"While we are already receiving some complaints from visitors about how they always wanted to meet and greet with Pooh or Mickey or Goofy, we're sure that everyone will come to love our new special characters in no time," said the rep. "Our main concerns were that the old characters were getting boring and stagnant, and, more importantly, that there was a perception that some of the characters were unwholesome.

"Although it was proven that Tigger didn't touch anyone inappropriately, there are always these rumors about Mickey getting drunk and Minnie whoring herself out in the parking lot after Illuminations. That sort of thing. These new mascots are far more appropriate for theme parks aimed at children."

The new "ringmaster" and central mascot for Disney, taking over from Mickey, will be Satan. Character actors dressed as Lucifer will stake out the entrance plazas at each park.

"Everyone loves Satan," said the rep. "This morning, all the parents and children have been screaming with delight as this fun-loving character threatens to drag them to hell and eat their still-beating hearts in front of them while their flesh slowly boils and maggots burrow through their brains."

"People have responded particularly well to Safari Satan at Animal Kingdom," he added.

But Satan is not the only child-friendly figure appearing at the revamped parks. Chucky, Iron Maiden's Eddie, Prom-Night Carrie and the Stephen King's It will all wander the parks giving autographs and engaging in wacky fun with youngsters. And, in a logical move, the former Mickey's Toontown Fair and other official character greet areas will be converted to Frank the Bunny's Apocalyptic Visions of the Future Character Breakfast Area.

"Nothing screams 'adorable' like the giant, demonic rabbit from Donnie Darko," said the Disney rep. "The kids'll love it. The kids'll just love it."

The rep also admitted that other mascots were considered. "We were really leaning toward using Corey Haim and Corey Feldman," he notes, "and we wouldn't have to even hire people to portray them, since they probably could use the work. But ultimately we thought they might be a little scary for some of the younger children who visit Disney parks."

The rep refused to comment on whether Pamela Anderson or Michael Jackson were still in contract negotiations with Disney to join the new group of mascots.