Monday, March 31, 2003

Enthusiasts Not So Enthusiastic

As this season opens for many theme parks, enthusiasts are not so enthusiastic over this year's offerings.

"Heck," states teen enthusiast Brent Bittlespoon, "the only truly exciting ride to come along is Top Thrill Dragster, and I envision lines so long one would not expect to ride the thing until late 2004."

Michael McGowen concurs, "Very few parks are offering new rides and, due to the fact my computer is still running Windows 95 and cannot accommodate RollerCoaster Tycoon, I am just too tired from masturbating to care whether Scream is a scream or not."

"I could see traveling the few extra miles to King's Dominion if they offered a new buffet-style restaurant this season," mumbled Cynthia Hogsworth, "but all they got is a new Drop Tower...How booooooring."

So many enthusiasts around the country are grumbling over the lackluster 2003 season, many parks are considering canceling the season altogether and jumping right in to the 2004 season.

"This would be fantastic!" Exclaimed ARN&Rs JCK. "It would mean the opening of such rides as DCA's Tower of Terror, just to name one."

The 2003 season was so poorly planned that Six Flags's brochures include not one smiling face among the batch. "It was difficult enough to get weary park patrons willing enough to sign over their rights just to pose for the pics, nevermind smile for them," claimed SF park representative Marlene Hamper-Tertertitio. "We just hope the opening of Six Flags New Orleans will make up for the lost profits from all our 34 other parks."

Busch Gardens' parks are going to rely on new flowers and shrubs to draw new crowds. Paramount execs will pray for a new hit film they can base an attraction on before season's end. Universal plans nothing but cutbacks. And, once again, Disney representatives had no comment.