Thursday, September 02, 2004

The Chain That Cried Wolf

In a unique twist, Six Flags executives have found their nuts swinging in the wind due to telling the truth.

“Ever since we bought Six Flags we have used ‘bad weather’ as an excuse for declining attendance,” said Kieran Burke, Six Flags CEO. “But this year it is true. A lot of parks have actually had rain...a lot of rain.”

Granted, Six Flags parks still have pay-to-cut programs, filthy bathrooms and rides that aren’t ready to open until 3 pm, but this year Mother Nature was a real bitch to the international amusement park chain.

“Nya, we have had a lot of water this year,” said Bugs Bunny, one of the chain’s contracted mascots. “All of the people using their twenty dollar season passes had a hard time coming to see me,” noted the waskily wabbit as he downed a fifth of Jack.

Burke said that every year the bad weather excuse has worked, but this year he very felt reluctant to whip it out again. “Our investors are pretty dumb, but I didn’t think they would buy the same excuse for yet another year,” he opined.

As this author writes, groups of General Mangers are creating new excuses for low attendance, such as:

- Herpes Spread by Toilets

- Roving White Suburban Gangs (That Listen to the Black Man’s Music)

- Fears That Al-Qaida Infiltrated the Falafel Stand

- Whores & Crack Addicts in the Gotham City Sewer System

Tempers and anxiety are rearing their ugly heads at the Oklahoma City headquarters. Empty packets of Immodium AD and Pepto-Bismol are strewn about on the floor and just last week two secretaries started bitch slapping one another for no apparent reason.

But Burke, holed away with his calculator and budgets, didn’t appear worried. He quietly said, “We’ve had no profits since we started this company. Why start now?”