Friday, June 06, 2003

Enthusiast Thrilled by ERT at Coaster Mania

Coaster enthusiast Peter Crisp was seen bowing before the coasters at Cedar Point and giving full tongue kisses to the pavement at the legendary amusement park today, sources tell ARN&R. According to Crisp, “I can’t fathom that I am actually here at the Coaster Mania event. It’s a dream come true. I think I’m going to cry.” Seattle enthusiast Crisp then did indeed begin blubbering uncontrollably, forcing a rescheduling of the interview several minutes later.

Upon suitably composing himself in the bathroom, Crisp, 41, elaborated on his feelings for ARN&R. “It’s an enthusiast’s true hope to go to a great park and get to ride some of their best coasters without the hindrance of a swarm of filthy GP (general public),” he said. “How many of us enthusiasts attend a park on a regular operating day, only to deal with hours of waiting with sweaty morons who like SLC’s and Arrow loopers as much as Shivering Timbers? Crowds of imbeciles are such an affront to those of us who travel from park to park in order just to ride the rides a whole bunch. ERT at parks is our ultimate goal: a really tiny group of great enthusiasts who all get to just stay on the rides all evening without even having to get off. It’s awesome, and Coaster Mania is the absolute best.”

Crisp had spent “an absolutely horrid” previous three days at parks with “disgusting regular patrons” prior to driving to Sandusky. On Tuesday, he spent the day at Silver Dollar City and Celebration City, where crowds were so thin that he rode Wildfire and Ozark Wildcat each over forty times with essentially no line waiting at all. At one point, the Ozark Wildcat line was so miniscule that he rode the fine new woodie eight times without even being made to leave his seat. Following his dreadful time with the wretched non-ERT conditions at these two parks, Crisp visited Six Flags St. Louis and Indiana Beach, where the lack of crowds led to his managing to ride all the coasters at those parks scores of times without any more strenuous activity than scampering from the exit ramp back into an empty seat on the very next train.

Waving his hands in the general direction of the four thousand attendees at Coaster Mania clogging every ERT line for miles upon miles, Crisp cried out, “finally! This is what I’m waiting for! Exclusive Ride Time! No more GP, no more waiting for those slow-ass dummies to get on and off. Now I can just park my butt on Millennium Force, Raptor, or TTD and get all the rides I want all morning and night! Thank God for Cedar Point and its events for the glorious few special coaster lovers!”

As opposed to the dozens and dozens of rides he obtained at dumb regular operating days at stupid parks like Silver Dollar City and Six Flags St. Louis, Crisp managed to use his hours and hours of Exclusive Ride Time at Cedar Point to ride Top Thrill Dragster, Magnum, and Raptor once each. “Cedar Point kicks ass!” he said after waiting only three hours for his Magnum ride and only wading through four thousand Orcas to receive his free buffet. "This is the greatest, most exclusive experience I’ve ever had at a park. I will never go back to any dumb park like the ones I was at this week unless I’m part of a group that gets ERT. I owe it to myself not to wait in lines at those places ever again.”

ARN&R Exclusive: Simon Cowell Vomits On World Class Coaster

For the acid-tongued judge on Fox's American Idol, the hits keep on coming, but not on Busch Gardens' Apollo's Chariot. Simon Cowell, host of the upcoming CBS feature Cupid, reportedly wanted to keep in the public light.

"I figured, if Fabio could extend his pathetic career by a few minutes by getting hit by a bird on a coaster, so could I," said Cowell in an exclusive interview with ARN&R, in which he declared that he would try to repeat Fabio's feat. After several (flawed) attempts at getting hit in the face by a bird, the speed and power of the B&M floorless coaster got the best of him and Simon Cowell vomited uncontrollably, while others aboard the ‘Chariot' apparently remained unconcerned and downright bored.

"I found the total experience to be quite nauseating, to say the least," stated Cowell, who can be seen in the ARN&R exclusive photograph sitting next to his body guard and public relations managers. "If I had to do it all over again, I would rather a fan toss a bird directly in my path the first go round. It is also quite evident that someone paid entirely too much for an on ride photo at my expense and should purchase an ARN&R frame to go along with their evildoing."