Friday, June 17, 2005

Hornet Stings Man Just for Hell of It

At a recent press conference, a local hornet admitted to stinging high school guidance counselor Mark Graves, 32, at Six Flags America without any provocation whatsoever. The stinging incident occurred last weekend after Graves startled the hornet near the park's pizza stand.

The conference was called by the hornet's legal council, who asserted in opening remarks that the insect was merely startled by a clumsy Graves while guarding the precious baby hornets of the hive, and then stung the man out of an instinctive protective reaction and not just to amuse itself. The council went on to state that the hornet would, during the conference, offer a public apology for the accidental and unfortunate suffering it had caused to Graves, and graciously answer any questions from the media regarding the incident.

However, the hornet deviated from the script immediately upon taking the podium, announcing that it had stung "the ever-loving crap" out of Graves "just for the hell of it."

"Yes, he deserved to be stung, and I hope he burns in Hell!" the hornet added.

Following these incendiary comments, the hornet mercilessly taunted Graves's manhood, claiming he was a "total p*ssy" for the way he whined after having a poisoned barb rammed in his neck and arm three times. Additionally, it confessed gleefully to numerous other crimes committed over the past month at SFA, including ruining eighteen corporate picnics by swimming in lemonade and stinging anyone who tried to shoo it out; chasing around and mercilessly stinging fifteen entire children's groups; and randomly jabbing approximately six other random people per day at the Batman Stunt Show "just because it's cool."

Noting that "it's totally awesome to be a hornet," the insect proudly went on to explain that, unlike honeybees, a hornet will not die if it uses its stinger, so it enjoys attacking and causing pain in people to make itself feel better if it isn't getting laid, it's angry because some other hornets are excluding it from all their hornet games, or, usually, "because I'm bored."

The tone of the press conference went from uncomfortable to downright scary when a reporter unwisely asked the hornet if it had ever thought about being "more like the noble honeybee, making [it]self useful to the planet by creating tasty honey, instead of just randomly stinging the crap out of innocent bystanders." In response, the hornet menacingly waved its abdomen in the general direction of the reporter, saying "You want some of this, too, bitch? I don't even have to be provoked! I'm a hornet!" This incident essentially ended the interview.

In a statement released to the press, Graves claimed that he would pursue vigorous legal action against the hornet for the pain and suffering it had caused. The statement further claimed that, should the legal system fail him, Graves had no qualms about taking the law into his own hands by "opening up a can of whoop-ass and/or Raid" the next time he saw the hornet.