Thursday, January 27, 2005

Six Flags America to Follow Hersheypark Trend

Six Flags America made a shocking announcement today regarding park plans for the 2005 season.  Taking after Hersheypark, which recently canceled this year's new coaster addition, Six Flags America has decided to cancel all park projects this year in order to maintain its hard-earned reputation of never adding anything.

Kieran Burke, CEO of Six Flags Incorporated, made a special trip to SFA in below freezing weather today to announce that this year’s planned expansion of sinks and water fountains would be canceled in order to prove know-it-all coaster enthusiasts wrong on all accounts, and sources close to the Six Flags camp say that this trend may last longer than one year.

“We had thought about adding a Standup roller coaster in the past few years, then a mouse, then a new water park back behind Superman, but some coaster idiot kept foiling our plans.” Burk stated.  He then went on to explain, “So instead, we had decided not to add anything relevant to the park, but just add sinks and water fountains around the back of the park.  But in response to this thread on CoasterBuzz, we’ve decided to take after Hersheypark and cancel all additions instead.  Boy, that Hershey knows how to take care of customers!”

Rumor has it that Six Flags Darien Lake, Six Flags Astroworld, and Six Flags St. Louis will follow suit with similar announcements later this month.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Speaking of Sites O' the Weak

It's that time again, friends and enemies. And for this week's Site O' the Weak, we delve back a bit, into a Coasterbuzz topic that hasn't had a new post added since last summer. Normally, we try to pick on forum topics that are more current, but we only just stumbled across this beauty. We think you'll agree with us that the "grandur" of this topic makes it worthwhile to share.

In this excellent thread, a new poster brags about how his cousin's best friend's neighbor's cat once sprainted on some guy whose boss had a friend who used the same urinal a day after either Bolliger or Mabillard used it, or some such useless crap, as if anyone cares. The kind folk of Coasterbuzz react in their normal tolerant, patient way, with hilarity ensuing.

Our favorite part is when the poster says "it's okay to insult me, but please do it correctly," but that's hardly the only highlight. Read on.

Today's Lesson: How to Make a Coaster Site That Sucks Balls

We get thousands of letters every day asking "ARN&R, how can I get my website to be listed as the Site O' the Weak? Huh? Huh?"

Actually, we don't get that many letters saying that. Most of them have lots of words spelled wrong, as opposed to the example above. But indeed, it's a coveted title, one that gets your site all the right kind of recognition. However, webmasters are frequently confused as to how they might position themselves and their lame-ass, pathetic, coaster nerd sites for inclusion in our hall of shame.

Fortunately, someone finally created a website specifically designed to instruct people on how to make crappy sites that ARN&R writers can notice and subject to ridicule: How to Make an Annoying Web Page.

Okay, actually it isn't designed as a primer for how to be an SOW at all. But it sure comes in handy when you're looking to be mocked by ARN&R. Just follow some of the helpful hints on this website, throw in some stupid comments about your homemade coaster skid mark collection or how your 2002 CoasterCon ID badge you wear around to other parks is certain to get you some p*ssy, and you'll be well on your way to lining up with about three thousand similarly worthless sites and forum topics we'll get around to taking the piss out of some decade or another.


[Author's Note: Of course, about 90% of you coaster enthusiasts out there have no need whatsoever to peruse the Annoying Web Page site, as your site already sucks balls on its own and really doesn't need the help. But you might.]

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Six Flags: SFGAm Water Park Free; Also Adding Air Conditioning and Health Care

As part of its ongoing efforts to improve cash flow and profitability, Six Flags announced this week its decision to include Six Flags Great America's Hurricane Harbor water park in the park's admission price. Receiving less attention was its later announcement that it would be air conditioning the entire Chicago-area park as well as providing universal health care for every resident in the Chicago area.

"We're certain that these steps represent the best way to impress investors and to get on track for financial stability," said park spokeswoman Leora Kladner in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "What could be better for cash flow than a free water park, tens of thousands of outdoor air conditioning units running throughout the summer, and the creation of an enormous new health care system for the millions of people in the region? Oh, we're also going to throw in a free puppy for every guest, along with a lifetime supply of food and veterinary services."

SEC filings indicate that the park chain will borrow approximately $1.2 billion at 17.99% interest from an entity on the south side of Chicago called "EZ Pay Day CA$H."
S&D Greetings Offers New Hasselhoff Product Line

Coaster card supplier S&D Greetings sparked controversy within the coaster community when they offered their 2006 calendar. Entitled "Hot 4 Hasselhoff," the scrumptious planner combines many of the untalented artist's shots from calendars past.

Steve Simmons, S&D's research and development director, said the plan was a new and bold step for the company. He commented, "Sure, shots of Boulderdash are nice, but we have to give the people what they want -- and they want Hasselhoff. Whether he is hanging out with a bird,
looking hot or just rocking out, you can't go wrong with David."

Some enthusiasts predict that sales will be down from previous years. Tim Johnson of Cleburne, Texas felt that it will be hard to move calendars with the sassy star of Knight Rider emblazoned on them. "Sure, Hasselhoff is hot," he conceded, distractedly gazing at a photo for upwards of thirty seconds. "But I don't know how many enthusiasts will pick that up. I wish they had gone a different route and done a Star Wars: Episode III calendar. It isn't quite as geeky as Hasselhoff and I know women would talk to me if they saw Anakin on my wall."

For now S&D Greetings just hope that David's sexy patriotism will be infectious. Steve Simmons said, "Germans love David Hasselhoff and we think that soon the whole world will. Seriously, what's hotter than this?"

Reports that next year's S&D calendar will feature nude spreads of A-Team star Dirk "Face" Benedict could not be confirmed a press time.


[Editor's Note: ARN&R has just learned that the American Coaster Enthusiasts, noted for their previous energetic attempts to crush any competition in the coaster calendar business, have decided to offer competing Hasselhoff products at the ACE Online Store. Among the treats being offered are the Deranged Eskimo Hasselhoff Fanny Pack and the Cream-Your-Undies-He's-So-Manly Speedo Hasselhoff Portable Coaster Count Tabulator/Dildo. When queried about the timing of the new product line, an ACE rep claimed that its launch immediately after a competitor's was "completely coincidental."]

Friday, January 21, 2005

Enthusiast Tempted by Nor'easter Email Invite

According to sources close to the ACE New England Region, members recently received an email advertising for the Nor'easter event with the following questions:

Winter blahs got you down?

Opening day at your favorite park just can't come soon enough?

Haven't seen your coaster buddies since October?

Dying to buy that calendar / video / book / game you didn't get for Christmas?

According to enthusiast Marlon Georgiev, 23, the message was somewhat appealing because most of it was true when applied to him.

"Yeah, maybe I should go to Nor'easter," he said. "I was reading it and I thought, well, hell yes, winter blahs have me down. It's frostier out there right now than the reaction I get when I tell random high school girls at the mall how much I like being pummeled and thrashed by dueling woodies. And then I thought, well, I would kinda like to have Roller Coaster Tycoon 3, even though the park patrons in it are even stupider than the real ones at Six Flags parks. And I do actually think at least five times per hour about how much it sucks that Lake Compounce won't open until like May or June, so that one certainly applies to me."

"So I might think about going," he concluded. "Three out of four ain't bad."


Thursday, January 20, 2005

Sex Workers Not Excited For Eastcoaster

A lot of things make adult entertainer Brittany Rears excited. The Eastcoaster convention is not one of them. The event is a gathering of members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts (ACE) from around the country. People travel hundreds of miles to hear lectures on what’s new and exciting in the amusement park industry. These coaster hobby heads call it a “spring training” for their upcoming park-going season.

Normally conventions are big business for strippers, hookers and even nudie booth workers (including the moppers). In fact, Ms. Rears said that some of her largest cuts have come from nights when big groups gather in steel and coal country.

She commented, “Yah, I usually get the big tips for a shower scene on stage or some double lap dance action -- the fish sandwich always brings in good tips. However, these coaster guys usually don’t want much even if they do come in here. Just last year a guy gave me a $1 tip after I grinded his crotch to Dio’s ‘Holy Diver.' Instead of enjoying the moment he went on and on about how this place called Dorney Park took out Hercules. Whatever.”

Many have examined the lack of interest in Allentown’s sex trade by the coaster geeks and aren’t sure why they don’t show. Independent research done by ARN&R exemplary intern staff shows that almost every group, from the Republican Party to Local Coal Miners’ 138 to the Moral Majority all like to get their wangs waxed when in town. Yet, for some reason these coasterphiles stay clear.

Over at Crotch Co., a local hoesale store, Trixster and Shauntell said they have never noticed a spike in activity during the annual event. Trixster said, “I know they are having this event like, every year, but I ain’t never seen hardly any benefits. Last year I had some freak call and told me he wanted me to dress like Dominator. I should up in my leather outfit and he said I came like the wrong thing. Apparently I was supposed to be dressed like some white tower and he wanted me to call him Mr. Checketts while I banged him. That freak was nasty.”

A few ladies of the night plan to work the Northampton Community Center, which holds the event every year. However, little-to-no activity is expected unless they wear patch jackets.


Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Coasterbuzz Webmaster Attempts to Save CB Member's Dignity

In an occurrence that has become all too commonplace in the past few years, Coasterbuzz Webmaster Jeff Putz has made a valiant, if utterly hopeless, attempt to save a CB member's dignity by closing a moronic topic that member started, say sources.

The topic in question is "Misuse of Laxatives," where a Coasterbuzz participant asks in an open forum whether he is in any danger from ingesting tremendous amounts of laxatives. Some cautious observers have speculated that this topic could potentially bring shame and ridicule to the poster, conceivably even to Coasterbuzz itself.

"You would think that Putz would just give up on trying to be this knight in shining armor, protecting his flock from making idiots of themselves," said CB member Grant Riley, 43, who would only speak with ARN&R on condition of anonymity. "It's pretty hopeless, since someone posts something offensive or idiotic about every five seconds there. But, then again, I guess you have to draw the line somewhere. And maybe that somewhere is where someone starts an off-topic discussion in a coaster forum about whether he's going to shit himself to death later that night."

"Thank God this topic has been shut down," said the elated original poster. "Now my dignity and honor have been preserved. I shall never be subjected to ridicule after the heroic deeds of my webmaster."

Aside from erasing any potential shame felt by CB members, the move has created two additional positive spin-offs. First, ABC has tentatively agreed to air a weekly series called "Ask Dr. Chuck," where a Coasterbuzz participant with exactly zero medical or scientific credentials or experience will spend a half hour dispensing thoughtful health advice like "[m]y guess is you'll just go alot tonight and be fine in the morning." Additionally, the topic was nominated for and later received the coveted ARN&R Site O' the Weak award.

--JCK (With assistance from MMS, CSB, and the Grand Poobah)

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Amusement Industry Addresses Steroid Problems

Responding to what one insider calls "one of the greater threats to the credibility and sanctity of the amusement industry in modern times," the heads of most major North American amusement parks began what is expected to be an extensive set of negotiations with the Union of International Thrill Ride Designers today. At issue is the rampant use of steroids present in the American amusement industry.

"This industry is all about being the biggest, the fastest, the longest, the most shaped like a giant penis," notes Amusement Business Assistant to the Regional Manager Garreth Brent. "With that being the case, many parks put a great deal of pressure on designers to come up with creations beyond their normal means, and that's where the performance-enhancement products come in to play. Amusement parks are all about records and statistics, and this common use of illegal substances puts current performances into question."

Steroid use has become so prevalent in the amusement industry, what was once considered a "dirty little secret" has now become an open advertisement, sometimes even point of pride and park advertising.

"Major park chains are the obvious and blatant offenders," states Brent. "Six Flags has Deja Vu, which is frequently described as 'an Invertigo on steroids.' And then Cedar Point has the Gemini, widely advertised as a 'mine train on steroids.' Large B&M inverted coasters like Alpengeist are quite commonly referred to as 'ski lifts on steroids.' And then you have major, deeply respected amusement industry gurus like Paul Ruben being quoted in publications as declaring that Mr. Freeze is like a 'paper clip on steroids.' It's really out of control."

"However," adds Brent, "many people are surprised to learn that smaller parks and rides are cheating by using illegal performance-enhancement products, as well. For instance, who hasn't heard that wild mouse at Idlewild being described as a 'mouse on steroids?' But if you think about it, it's really quite logical that small parks would feel the need to compete with the major ones, so steroid use has actually become rampant in the minor leagues, too."

Officials from both sides of the negotiations have not confirmed what punitive action will be taken against new offenders, but have acknowledged that it will be essentially impossible to retroactively punish anyone for past transgressions. This may unfortunately leave some recent record-setting performances, such as those by the controversial Top Thrill Dragster, with a permanent asterisk by them.


Thursday, January 13, 2005

Burke Declares Six Flags Iraq Opening Date Will Not Be Postponed

Six Flags CEO Kieran Burke announced to the press yesterday that rumors of Six Flags Iraq's opening day being pushed back are false.

"Last year, I stood with President Bush, and we vowed together that by the beginning of next year, Iraq would hold a reasonably free and fair election, and that Iraq would have a Six Flags amusement park. Well, he's not backing down, and neither am I."

The opening date for the park, which is to replace the failed Six Flags Over Shiite-Controlled Iraq, is set for February 5th, the first Saturday after elections. Many feel the security concerns are so great that the park should never have been built, let alone opened.

The project, financed by federal money that the park is to pay back through future profits, has already spiraled to over 1 billion dollars. Overages have included replacing the Vekoma Boomerang, which has been destroyed or partially destroyed by bombs five times, replacing the Vekoma SLC, which has been damaged under similar circumstances twice, and, of course, the very costly siege of Frontiertown.

"Yes, taking Frontiertown back from the rebels was very costly, very bloody, and a very long proocess but one that was absolutely necessary," Burke stated when asked about the incident, "The two months Frontiertown was occupied was two months too long. Worse, we had heard rumors the rebels were gearing up to take Loony Tunes Square as well. We realized if we lost Loony Tunes Square, we were likely to lose Superhero Circle, and from Superhero Circle they could take the whole park. We needed to act aggressively."

Other cost overruns concern staff. Ever since the kidnapping and beheading of three seasonal Polish employees 3 days after their arrival, the park has been staffed by a South African company called "Warwick International," whose last freelance staffing assignment concerned the bloody crushing of the Nigerian rebellion in 2001. As opposed to typical Six Flags staff throughout the world, who make an average of $6 an hour, the Warlock staff make an average of $100 an hour.

Maybe more problematically, none of the staff, who patrol the park in short sleeve desert camouflage shirts sporting AK47s, have been trained to operate rides and refuse to clean the outhouses, saying only cryptically that "such labor is for the eastern Majors." Six Flags insiders point out, however, that this makes the Six Flags Iraq employees no different than the employees at the SF properties of Magic Mountain, Darien Lake, and Kentucky Kingdom.

The parks woes have not been limited to security. Last month, the Hurricane Harbor water park was shelved indefinitely when it was realized there would be no water in the region by opening day. Attempts to use a luminous jelly normally used for explosives as a water replacement on the log flume and water slides have had mixed, but largely disastrous, results.

None of this, however, has deterred Burke or the current administration, who has called the opening SFI "an important step forward in Iraqi freedom." Burke said that "he himself" would be on hand at the park's opening day "to show my confidence in how safe the park would be," and further declared that SFI's planning for SFoI would prove "every bit as successful as our massive debt-laden efforts domestically."

ARN&R promises to keep you up to date on this developing story.


Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Name Changes Through History

Now that Dover Lake Park has decided to rename its "Tsunami" wave pool, ARN&R thought it would be a good time to take a look back in amusement park history at other times when rides and attractions had name changes due to sudden events and cultural shifts.

1929 - Coney Island, New York - Window Plunge of Doom rethemed to Parachutes

1930s - Riverview Park, Chicago - The Drunken Micks (an Old Mill float-through) changed to Temperance Time: Removing Satan's Elixir

1946 - Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk's "Whipping Wars With Our Friends the Russians" themed Whip renamed "Whipping the Godless Communists"

1946 - Sole surviving Russian ice slide renamed "Grand Victory Over Capitalism"

1963 - Disneyland, California - "It's a Small, Separate but Equal World" renamed

1969 - Silver Dollar City, Branson - Themed dark ride "Lynchin' the Darkies!" rethemed and retitled, reflecting contemporary poltical sensitivities, "Lynchin' the Hippies!"

1975 - Magic Kingdom, Orlando - On May 1, Magic Kingdom closes its exhibit of 6 years, "Vietnam - Why We Can't Lose," eventually retitling and retheming it to "Goofy & Mickey - A Lifetime of Laughs"

1986 - La Ronde, Montreal - Rotor ride "REAKTOR!" closes after Chernobyl

2005 - Magic Kingdom, Orlando - On January 1, Magic Kingdom closes its exhibit of 18 months, "Iraq - Why We Can't Lose," eventually retitling and retheming it to "Goofy & Mickey - Even More Laughs"


Monday, January 10, 2005

Site O' the Weak Returns

Yes, we know it's been a little while since we added a new Site O' the Weak. But your suffering is at an end (or is it just beginning?), for we have a whole new series of the wondrously awful lined up for your emotional, and perhaps even physical, gratification. We'll start off with one that's been lying around a bit and we sort of forgot to make fun of before.

Back in November, we linked to an eye-searing website called Boils the Clown's Funhouse. The reference seemed to cause a great deal of stress to the webmaster, so much so that he apparently lost his mind. Specifically, he thought we had removed the article in response to a threatening email (it just scrolled off the main page into archives, something that happens to pretty much every article on every Blog ever written, and it's readily available to anyone bored or sick enough to bother reading the rest of ARN&R besides the front page), and then made the completely bizarre assumption that ARN&R is produced by the webmaster of Coasterbuzz (nope, try again).

A forum topic this insane can only deserve the rich reward that is the ARN&R SOW.


Sunday, January 09, 2005

New Feature: Ask Rob Viands

ARN&R is proud to announce our latest feature, "Ask Rob Viands." As you know, some weeks ago, we asked you, our readers, to write in with your questions for the well-known, loved and respected ride and coaster enthusiast Rob Viands. Each week we'll be picking three lucky readers to have their questions answered by this noted amusement park expert! As always, this is an ARN&R exclusive. So without further ado, the first week's installment of "Ask Rob Viands."

Dear Rob Viands,

I've been saving up my pennies and dimes for some time now, and I think I have enough to take the family on a nice, big family vacation! As Mormons, we're interested in wholesome entertainment, and are considering Orlando. But here's the pickle we're facing:

Do you think we should go with Disney, or the Universal parks? While I know Disney is famous, lots of people say great things about the Universal parks. Plus, if we do Universal, we can also probably squeeze in Busch Gardens Tampa.

Which do you reccomend?


Confused Mormons in Utah

Dear CMIU:

I hope more laws are passed stopping bogus lawsuits so the lawyers can go out of business and become waiters. Most of them are Jewish. They used to be doctors, but that's stopped. Now the doctors are Pakistani and you don't see many Jewish doctors any more.

And don't get married. If people didn't get married, lawyers wouldn't have divorce cases to handle. They're just middle men dividing everything up instead of a judge. If you can't divide on your own, then you go see the judge. Forget that, if people didn't get married, the hos wouldn't cheat, and then they'd just leave. Instead they get to clean the clock of the guy and the lawyers get rich.

If Jews want to become doctors again, then I'll respect them. But right now they're only CEOs and Lawyers. Cheap bastards.

And I wasn't drunk when I wrote that one, the hate is always there when it comes to cheap Jew bastards.


Rob V

Dear Rob Viands,

Please help me with an arguement I have with my best friend. Which is better? Disneyland or Magic Kingdom?

Betting in Boise

Dear BIB:

You see, most CEOs are Jewish, and their job is to cut company budgets so thin, that people lose their job.

Just answer this question you Jew Bag.

Are you looking to be a doctor, or lawyer?

I know the answer. It's a lawyer. Jews are no longer doctors because of the malpractice insurance rates. If Jews stoped suing Jews then there would be more good doctors. Instead, it's turned into a freakin' minimum wage job held by Indians and Pakistanis.


Rob V

Dear Rob Viands,

My family and I will be in the Northeast next summer, and would like to take a trip to a nearby park. Which park would you reccomend that has attractions for both kids, teens, and even us adults?

Thanks in advance,

Curious in California

Dear CIC:

Family rides blow. Even Burke from SF admitted it. They didn't do anything last year and paid for it.

Bring back coaster wars.


Now shut up you family people. Shut up.

People, it's real easy.

Just drink BUD.

Support Busch Gardens so they can build more coasters.

When I walk down the beer aisle at my grocery store, I think, "Gee, I'll try an import." Then I think, "Naw, I'll drink BUD and help Busch Gardens build a new coaster." Then I think, "I'll drink a case."

No brainer.


Gawd damd it.

You f*ckers.


Rob V

--MOS (with help from Rob Viands's actual posts on the newsgroup RRC)

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Bush Administration Launches "Leave No Coaster Behind" Program

Responding to allegations that the United States coaster system is in shambles and falling behind against the entire rest of the globe, President George W. Bush today formalized his administration's new tough policy: Leave No Coaster Behind.

"The United States is accustomed to being the best, and it is the best, so we must not allow other countries to overtake our coaster dominance," said the president in a media address, carefully and slowly forming difficult words such as "coaster" and "globe" with reasonable comprehensibility. He continued: "In the latest Mitch Hawker poll, foreign rides made up a substantial amount of the top twenty woodies, despite lower numbers of riders who had taken the poll. This is alarming. We will defeat other nations with our standardized polling!"

President Bush added that he was certain his new program would "work out great," but if, in a year's time or so, the U.S. still did not possess every spot in the Hawker top twenty, he would "bomb the shit out of Sweden and Germany" until they are less equipped with top-notch thrills than the USA.

Leave No Coaster Behind is a system whereby each of the country's amusement parks will be required to have all of its coasters submit to a number of yearly enthusiast polls. Parks with rides not meeting minimum national standards will lose funding, relegating them punitively to having even stupider coasters the next season. Parks with coasters scoring high marks in standardized test areas such as "laterals" and "abrupt airtime" will receive additional government funding and a slightly limp and damp (figurative) handshake from the president.

"This is absurd," said Fran Wellington, an employee of the impoverished backwoods Camden Park. "How can I compete with parks run by Disney and Universal? We barely have funding for outhouses, let alone textbooks!"

Wellington noted that "preparing Big Dipper for a standardized test all season" would actually greatly hurt the learning development of the woodie, which would be better served by learning new information each year and being encouraged to think for itself and solve problems instead of just reviewing multiple-choice answers over and over.

"This policy will teach a coaster how to place highly in a standardized poll," noted Wellington. "It won't show whether a ride actually kicks ass or sucks my balls."

The Leave No Coaster Behind program will commence with the regular 2005 spring and summer amusement park season.


Monday, January 03, 2005

Local Enthusiast Still Unaware that "Tsunami Relief Fund" is Not Referring to Clementon Park Sale

Local enthusiast Byron Mathews, who goes by the name "B&M4eVaH" on the local coaster fan forum "Scream Network," was until this morning unaware that the thread entitled "Tsunami Relief Fund" was referring to the deadly Tsunami waves that have killed more then 130,000 people, and not the "For Sale" listing of Clementon Park and their coaster, Tsunami, in the Wall Street Journal.

Apparently Mathews, 30, assumed that the thread appealing to enthusiasts to donate to their local Red Cross concerned Tsunami the roller coaster, and then never bothered to open the thread. "I just figured some enthusiasts were pooling some money together to save the coaster in case someone bought Clementon who wanted to put up condos or something," Byron explained to ARN&R.

How Mathews, however, has not actually heard of a news event that has captured global television and newspapers is a phenomenon known by sociologists as "Assburgia," where a human being's obsession with one particular hobby dwarfs their ability to be aware of any basic realities going on in the world around them.

When told of the massive disaster, Mathews was reported to exclaim, "Geesh!" and then inquired if any coasters were damaged in the disaster.

Yes, Faithful Minions...Articles are Coming

Greetings, readers. We know the updates have been a little slow here the past couple of weeks. The ARN&R staff has been a bit neglectful in presenting daily amusements for you due to travel, seeing family, having guests in town, and, in one case, drinking too much on New Year's Eve after a particularly wretched day of work.

Also, it was hard to tear ourselves away form the Absolutely Reliable Hot Tub, what with Jessica Alba splashing around in the nice warm water and all.

A return to normal operations is imminent. We thank you for your patience. We thank you even more for your slavish devotion, if applicable.