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Sex Workers Not Excited For Eastcoaster

A lot of things make adult entertainer Brittany Rears excited. The Eastcoaster convention is not one of them. The event is a gathering of members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts (ACE) from around the country. People travel hundreds of miles to hear lectures on what’s new and exciting in the amusement park industry. These coaster hobby heads call it a “spring training” for their upcoming park-going season.

Normally conventions are big business for strippers, hookers and even nudie booth workers (including the moppers). In fact, Ms. Rears said that some of her largest cuts have come from nights when big groups gather in steel and coal country.

She commented, “Yah, I usually get the big tips for a shower scene on stage or some double lap dance action -- the fish sandwich always brings in good tips. However, these coaster guys usually don’t want much even if they do come in here. Just last year a guy gave me a $1 tip after I grinded his crotch to Dio’s ‘Holy Diver.' Instead of enjoying the moment he went on and on about how this place called Dorney Park took out Hercules. Whatever.”

Many have examined the lack of interest in Allentown’s sex trade by the coaster geeks and aren’t sure why they don’t show. Independent research done by ARN&R exemplary intern staff shows that almost every group, from the Republican Party to Local Coal Miners’ 138 to the Moral Majority all like to get their wangs waxed when in town. Yet, for some reason these coasterphiles stay clear.

Over at Crotch Co., a local hoesale store, Trixster and Shauntell said they have never noticed a spike in activity during the annual event. Trixster said, “I know they are having this event like, every year, but I ain’t never seen hardly any benefits. Last year I had some freak call and told me he wanted me to dress like Dominator. I should up in my leather outfit and he said I came like the wrong thing. Apparently I was supposed to be dressed like some white tower and he wanted me to call him Mr. Checketts while I banged him. That freak was nasty.”

A few ladies of the night plan to work the Northampton Community Center, which holds the event every year. However, little-to-no activity is expected unless they wear patch jackets.

--FMB