Thursday, October 12, 2006

North Korea Continues Dangerous Practices

Nearly a week after shocking the world by testing a nuclear device, North Korea continues to defy the international community by experimenting with unstable and dangerous instruments. In a report by the official Korean Central News Agency (KCNA), the communist regime boasted that they now have in their possession a fully functional Zamperla Volare Flying Coaster.

“Despite the unfair sanctions and pressures from the Bush administration and other hostile countries, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea is now a featured player in the field of airborne amusement rides,” said the KCNA in an English language statement. “No longer will our dissolute neighbors be able to flaunt their technology in the combined faces of the North Korean people. This is simply the next step in strengthening the greatest socialist paradise on the planet.”

Reports from inside the cloistral realm suggested that the coaster will called “Kangangsuwole,” and will be themed to a peasant dancing song sung during collective works, such as bridge construction or excavations. Construction is slated to begin outside the coastal city of Wonsan sometime early next year.

“The United Nations calls upon North Korea to immediately cease any and all attempts to erect this horrible coaster,” said UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan. “Any national pride they may gain from the completion of this project will be overshadowed by the terrible injuries it is bound to inflict upon the Korean people.”

“One can understand the Republic’s desire for a flying coaster, but to select a Zamperla is downright suicidal,” said University of Kentucky professor George Barron. “All they had to do was play nice with the West for a few years, the sanctions would have eased, and they could have bought a nice Bolliger and Mabillard. Hell, even a Vekoma Flying Dutchman would have been better than what they’ve got.”

The United States government stated that it will continue its current sanctions against North Korea, hinting strongly that replacement parts for the Zamperla coaster may be “difficult” to get. Unconfirmed reports state that the government may also be investigating Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro on possible “treasonous activities." Shapiro reportedly nixed a deal to sell Elitch Gardens’ Zamperla Flying Coaster to the North Koreans when they refused to also purchase Sidewinder, the park’s Arrow Dynamics shuttle loop coaster.

According to the KCNA, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il stated that he can’t wait to ride his country’s newest national treasure, and that he’s going to have his arms out in front of him the whole time, “like Superguy."