Wednesday, January 22, 2003

Great Escape To Become Six Flags Northeastern New York

Great Escape park announced today its plans to upgrade its facilities in expectation of becoming a Six Flags park. Although owned for the past several years by Six Flags, the park has generally been thought not to have the necessary rides, size, or infrastructure to be branded a full Six Flags venue. All that will change next season when Great Escape morphs into Six Flags Northeastern New York.

Says Six Flags President Gary Story, “We’re delighted to announce Six Flags Northeastern New York. Every year, we’ve told the Great Escape that, in order to be branded as a full property, they have to make changes in order to be truly deserving of the coveted and respected Six Flags corporate name. This past season, we did note some progress along these lines. For instance, Great Escape has long been a haven for those who wish to avoid long lines. Well, this season, the place was just packed to the gills on most operating days, with lines stretching for up to a mile. Also, the park made sure to get the positive attention of Six Flags Corporate by running single trains on every single coaster, despite the massive lines this caused. Theme Park Mentality and large crowds of hot, irritated visitors are qualities we look for when labeling a park ‘Six Flags.’”

Story went on to note, “sadly, Great Escape wasn’t ready for the conversion yet in 2002, despite those capacity issues. For instance, they offer free parking. What the hell? Their bathrooms are generally tidy, the paths aren’t covered with human waste, there are lots of pleasant shady places to escape the hot sun, park staff are usually competent and pleasant, and there are cute little Storybook sections that don’t demand any extra fee. We told the park, flat out, that all this nonsense has to change.”

Great Escape manager Tom Spikowsky stated in his press release that “Great Escape was working hard to address all the parent company’s concerns,” and that he prayed daily that “his park could reach the lofty heights of such amusement destinations as Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom, Six Flags America, and Six Flags Fiesta Texas.”

Spikowsky elaborated with the following comments: “We plan to soil each bathroom with unspeakable filth each morning, even dedicating a special work force of our special foreign staff to the task, and then refuse to do any cleaning all day. We will charge 15 dollars for parking, and an extra 4 dollars for the pavement. Stores will no longer offer affordable souvenirs and shirts, but will instead sell generic, overpriced crap smeared with Warner Brothers characters. We will now require all ride operators to not only ratchet passengers as tightly in their seats as possible, but also to savagely knee each of them in the groin as they enter the station. All trees will be burned to the ground, and children will pay a 40-dollar upcharge to pet the goat.”

New themes will also be evident at SFNNY. ARN&R has learned that Boomerang Coast to Coaster will be renamed Flashback, Alpine Bobsled will be renamed Penguin’s Blizzard River, and Steamin’ Demon will become Batman Ultimate Knight Escape. The extensive new theming will consist of freshly painted signs with the new ride names on them. The legendary Comet wood coaster will maintain its name, but will receive typical Six Flags improvements such as trim brakes, over the shoulder restraints, and anal probes.

The final mission of SFNNY is to alter its clientele to better reflect the sort of crowd Six Flags patrons are accustomed to experiencing. Says Spikowsky, “we plan to offer inexpensive switchblades, broken bottles, and bricks to customers at the entrance. Our Bugs Bunny and Foghorn Leghorn mascots will be paid bonuses to catcall and harass women inside the Arno’s Small World kiddie area. Finally, Nightmare at Crackaxle Canyon will be renamed Nightmare at Crack Whore Canyon.”