Thursday, June 12, 2003

Adult Coaster Enthusiasts Spend Hours Developing CPO Barbs

In an exclusive investigative report, ARN&R can report today that several Coasterbuzz forum participants, most of whom are generally functional adults, stayed up all night to come up with a snappy forum post in hopes that they would be acknowledged in this very publication.

“I’m totally dragging at work today,” commented CsTrLuvr232, 34, in a private e-mail. “But staying up all night will be worth it if my post insulting the Coaster Preservation Organization makes it onto ARN&R! Then, people will know that I’m important.” CsTrLuvr232, who works as a 911 operator, transferred three reports of heart attacks to animal control due to his exhaustion.

While coming up with a witty joke or comment was the primary task, using creative spelling and grammar to mock the group of 15-year-olds took the most time for these dedicated satirists.

“It was great, it was the penultimate of posts!” exclaimed frequent poster KosterNerdy, a 28-year-old systems administrator, of his remark that ‘these guys don’t know anything about the law, and there [sic] lunch money will never buy them a coaster.” When asked if he knew the actual definition of the word “penultimate,” he said “Duh – it’s one better than the best!”

When last checked, the American Heritage Dictionary defined penultimate as nothing even close to 'Nerdy's description.

Premier Rides To Introduce Launched Carousel

Premier Rides of Millersville, Maryland recently unveiled plans for their next-generation merry-go-round, tentatively known as the "Giga-Go-Rounder." President and owner of Premier Rides, Jim Seay, saw an opportunity for his company to expand into the ever popular kiddie rides market, a market that, up until now, Premier has had no success entering. Their previous plans to build the "Underwater Hyper Wacky Wet Wave Swinger" never made it off the drawing board, and the kids' spaghetti bowl coaster was clearly ill-conceived. This time, however, Premier is convinced that they have a smash hit ride to introduce to the amusement park world.

"Through the miracle of LIMs (linear induction motors), we have created a Merry-Go-Round that can go from zero to eighty-three miles an hour in just 1.2 seconds," said Seay in an exclusive interview. "This baby blows the away the competition! If insane speed and inevitable nausea are what you want from your merry-go-round experience, then Premier has a ride for you. Trust me, the kids are gonna just love this ride!"

As always, safety was a major concern for Premier, so they took extra care in designing the restraint systems for the Giga-Go-Rounder to insure guest comfort and safety. Each horse comes equipped with individual ratcheting stirrups and padded over-the-saddle restraints. For extra security, each horse has its own set of grab bars attached at the manes.

And, just in case that isn't enough, Premier has installed their newly created "Positron Guest Retention System" into every horse on the Giga-Go-Rounder. The Positron system works by emitting extremely powerful negatively charged electromagnetic fields that actually attract and hold like super glue to the naturally occurring positively charged electromagnetic fields that emanate from every human being, including small children.

Seay says, "There are some issues to be worked out with the Positron system, but once we can figure out how to stop -- or at least minimize -- the severe brain damage caused by the Positron system, it will revolutionize the amusement industry, for sure! We are very excited about this project."

When asked why he felt that the world needed an eighty-three mile per hour merry-go-round, Seay responded, "Who knows why? We just wanted to make sure that we did it first. So, next week, when Intamin or Vekoma introduces their 'next generation XTreme merry-go-round' and tries to say that it's the first of its kind anywhere in the world, we can say nuh-uh, we already did that last week. Nyah, nyah."

Seay then proceeded to hike his pants up as far as they would go, spin around in circles and proclaim over and over, "I am the Linear King, and I can do anything."

The Giga-Go-Round is expected to be ready in time to debut at the IAAPA convention in Orlando, Florida this November, 2003. Stop by the Premier Rides booth #4964 for more information or for a test spin.