Thursday, May 08, 2003

Top Thrill Dragster, Sandusky Condom Sales Linked

In the current financial quarter, both Cedar Fair and Sandusky condom profits hit five-year highs, a substantial and rapid growth acknowledged by representatives of Cedar Fair and Sheik as "extremely pleasing." Although many news organizations have failed to acknowledge the link between the phenomena, ARN&R has unearthed evidence demonstrating that the two come hand in hand. Local Sandusky women told ARN&R that "there's just something about the look of Dragster that Thrills us."

It's seems the 420-foot-high phallus (AKA Top Thrill Dragster) standing high over Sandusky Bay has increased condom sales tenfold as of late. "There is just something about the glow," says Anne Heitz. "Of course, we must remember to practice safe sex at times like these, but man, that gargantuan glowing shaft really gets me going."

The number one selling variety seems to be Trojan Magnums, as this is, according to massive throbbing member experts, "one giant lightning rod sticking into the sky." Asked about the phenomenon, local convenience store owner Abi Abudabababadibuda said, "Our sales quadrupled upon the announcement of Top Thrill Dragster and since then have continued to skyrocket."

The Sandusky Police Dept. has been dispatched to Battery Park numerous times in the last month. Officer Bob Uleime said "Something about the beautiful glistening shaft shining into the sky at night has really revved things up. Why, just last week we took into our custody a couple who were arrested by Cedar Point Police for indecent exposure in front of a web camera at Cedar Point."

Roller coaster enthusiasts have come from across the country in hopes of finally getting some from the residents of Sandusky. William Wisselboi said, "Oh, it is just splendid. I may finally become a real man after all these decades, under the moonlight glow of a gigantic pillar of manly power."

Cedar Point official Dick Kinzel refused to acknowledge the remarkable coincidence between new condom sales and the construction of Top Thrill Dragster, nor would he even admit off the record that the ride is strongly reminiscent of a giant schlong. However, he did confirm that he is "not remotely intimidated by the spectacular height and girth of TTD," and also assured ARN&R that the ride was definitely not, as some had feared, "ribbed for her pleasure."


[Editor's Note: If that huge shaft thrusting through the air at Cedar Point is making your lover question your manhood on a nightly basis, get back at it by purchasing one of our excellent t-shirts showing a dude pissing on Top Thrill Dragster. It'll still have a bigger package than you by several hundred feet, but you'll feel a little better about yourself.]