Monday, December 30, 2002

Huge Traffic Increases at ARN&R

Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors reported today that its traffic has increased by a staggering amount in the last half of December. Typically visited by approximately 11 people with no lives on an average day, ARN&R has recently seen its web hits rise in logarithmic fashion, culminating yesterday in a total of 213,456 single visits to the website, resulting in computer gridlock and pandemonium rivalling the direst Y2K predictions.

"Obviously, we are elated by this turn of events," stated ARN&R's editor. "While we still have yet to sell a single Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom Wonderbra at our online store, it certainly is great to know that thousands of hardworking Americans and, more particularly, the Dutch, have been enjoying our fairly amusing park satire."

Representatives from all of the major web search engines dispute worldwide excitement in roller coaster satire, and have stated their belief that the exponential growth of the site's popularity comes almost entirely from a December 19th ARN&R article entitled "Maxim Announces 'Babes of the Amusement Industry' Issue."

Says Ben Noguchi, a representative of WebGalivanter, "Every single one of the more than 150,000 WebGalivanter searches leading to ARN&R yesterday involved some combination of the words 'Jessica Alba,' 'naked,' 'Maxim,' 'pork,' and 'frollicking,' each of which appeared in unrelated context in the December 19 article. ARN&R needs to wake up and realize that these hundreds of thousands of hits are from horny teens looking for sexy photos of Jessica Alba, not from coaster enthusiasts looking for wry banter and sassy put-downs of Six Flags America."

Noguchi added that ARN&R staff should be wary. "There are going to be lots of pissed off young men hoping to locate hot pictures of Jessica Alba frollicking in pork gravy, and instead they will find articles about Ratt wanting their own ride and coaster enthusiasts whoring themselves for the Discovery Channel. I really doubt ARN&R is prepared to deal with this great an onslaught of frustrated masturbators, especially since their audience is presumably made up almost entirely of a slightly different population of frustrated masturbators already."

Through a publicist, Jessica Alba declined repeated and insistent requests for a date or an interview.

How Meta Is This?

We haven't the slightest idea what to make of it, but it's sort of funny:

Absolutely Crap News & Rumors

In the disclaimer, we think they mean that it's "just a joke" rather than "just a job," but if someone can tell us how to get a job making fun of coaster sites that make fun of coaster sites, we'd love to hear it. Actually, if they can tell us how to get a job doing this, that'd be cool, too.