Tuesday, October 28, 2003

State Fair of Texas Cancels "Alternative" Sponsorship

After experimenting with Trojan condoms as the sponsor of Big Tex (renamed "Big Sex" for the fair) in 2003 the State Fair of Texas has opted not to renew the contract for next year.  For this year's event Big Tex was given a 50-foot animatronic penis.  "We thought that it would be a lark," said fair manager Keith Turner.  "Everyone knows that unmarried people in Texas do not have premarital sex, so the idea of advertising condoms was just silly.  Of course, it makes it hard to explain why our abstinence-only sex ed. program has Texas ranked 46 out of 50 states in terms of teen pregnancy rates."

Fair officials were worried that the large, throbbing member of Big Sex damaged its reputation.  The animatronic cowboy's operator, Don Sales, was discouraged.  "People were taking some pretty inappropriate pictures.  I saw one woman pose in front of Tex and pretend that she was holding his" (here he coughed and blushed) "testicles.  That's just not right," he lamented.  He did note that the chocolate-covered banana concession stand located next to the statue did very well.  "I heard they nearly doubled last year's take," said Sales.

Trojan C.F.O. Mark Davis was disappointed that the fair chose not to renew the Big Sex concept for 2004.  "It was a blow to us," he said.  "But, we understand that not everyone is comfortable seeing a 50-foot phallus winking at them from the midway.  In addition, this created some conceptual problems since we wanted to market the female condom at next year's fair."

Rayleen Crawdson of Waco was one of the people offended by Big Tex's protruding peter.  "I seen lots of rude things in my lifetime," Crawdson said as she spat chew on this ARN&R reporter, "but this really bothered me."  She went on to say that as a good Christian woman God told her "what was appropriate," just like "the good Lord tells George Bush what countries are makin' bombs."

Other potential sponsors had hoped to cash in on the "sex fad" in Texas but are now reexamining their marketing options.  "We wanted to make some sort of interactive display that would be housed next to the pottery workshop," said Vivid Video president Steve Simmons.  "Now we are going to have to find a new place to house the 'Oral, Anal & Gangbang Interactive Fun Room.'"

Trojan's Davis has been talking to local strip clubs about moving his robot penis outside their venue.  He said, "I don't understand it.  There are titty bars [Ed. Note: that's the Texas vernacular for strip clubs] all over this town; they seem to run even with the churches.  Yet, put the sex out in the open and everyone has a problem with it.  I just hope that I can sell Big Tex's penis to the Burrowing Beaver or the Red Snapper."

They say everything is bigger in Texas. In this reporter's eyes it is a sad state of affairs that Big Tex will once again be hung like Ken.

-- FMB