New Safety Rules Prevent Carousel Injuries

Following the tragic accident on their Superman: Ride of Steel rollercoaster, Six Flags New England has decided to get tough in addressing patron and industry concerns about its dedication to customer safety, says a park rep.

Chief among the new safety measures is the system now being used on the notorious and deadly Carousel of Death at SFNE. Says the rep, "while passengers in days long past, such as last season, had to just sit on their horse or tiger or marmot and face the utter peril of going in a circle at about two miles per hour, we have now created a foolproof system to protect guests as they experience this terrifying and dangerous ride."

The new system consists of a tight seatbelt, which all guests are required to use, and then a ride op individually tells each passenger that he or she must keep two hands on the pole at all times or risk being removed from the ride. "Some people think it's a little drastic to have such severe safety measures on a ride that is essentially incapable of causing so much as a scratched knee due to its low speed and predictable lack of forces," said the rep. "Well, tell me this: has anyone been injured on the Carousel of Death since we enacted these procedures? No. So it works just fine."

The rep added that the new system was only in the test phase, and if ride ops noticed anyone commiting a severe violation of the rules, such as shifting in his or her seat of removing one of the two required hands from the pole to scratch an itch, then more severe measures would be used for the Carousel of Death.

"First, we'll hogtie all the passengers, and stick them on a bench where they can view the empty carousel going in circles. Then, if that doesn't work, we'll hogtie them and then staple them to the benches where they can view the empty carousel going in circles, at least until they pass out from the pain and blood loss. Then, as a last resort, we'll just start assigning seats or something."

--JCK

Bush Orders Demolition of Illinois Coaster

In a little-noticed portion of his Monday-night address, President Bush ordered the destruction of Typhoon, a coaster at Dundee, Illinois-based Santa's Village, citing what he described as "years of pain and torture."

"The evildoers at Top Fun, when designing this coaster, clearly were working in conjunction with the axis of evil," said Bush. "From the intense pain created by the ride's over-the-shoulder restraints to the transitions that were evidently designed by brain-damaged monkeys, this ride is anti-American. It will be a proud day for the decent people of Illinois when it is torn down."

The Bush administration is also reportedly considering targeting the headquarters of Vekoma with a small tactical nuclear warhead.