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Bush Orders Demolition of Illinois Coaster

In a little-noticed portion of his Monday-night address, President Bush ordered the destruction of Typhoon, a coaster at Dundee, Illinois-based Santa's Village, citing what he described as "years of pain and torture."

"The evildoers at Top Fun, when designing this coaster, clearly were working in conjunction with the axis of evil," said Bush. "From the intense pain created by the ride's over-the-shoulder restraints to the transitions that were evidently designed by brain-damaged monkeys, this ride is anti-American. It will be a proud day for the decent people of Illinois when it is torn down."

The Bush administration is also reportedly considering targeting the headquarters of Vekoma with a small tactical nuclear warhead.