Monday, July 12, 2004

Courtney Love Accused Of Attacking Ninja

Los Angeles police this morning confirmed reports that Courtney Love was arrested on Friday at Six Flags Magic Mountain after attacking the park's inverted "Ninja" roller coaster. The attack reportedly occurred after the coaster failed to show Love what she termed "proper Ninja respect" and further refused her repeated requests that it "get all Ralph Macchio" on another park guest who observed that Love's recent solo album "blew chunks."

Love initially approached the coaster around noon and ceremoniously bowed to it in a manner based on the obscure Filipino martial art known as arnis, expecting the coaster to reciprocate with a formal Ninja bow. The coaster, however, simply continued to operate, entirely ignoring her entreaties to "Bow, you piece of sh*t!"

Things got worse when season pass holder Shawn Fanelli recognized the rocker while standing in line. Fanelli, who recently purchased Love's solo release "America's Sweetheart," yelled "Hey, Courtney! Your new album sucks ass! Guess you shouldn't have offed Kurt [Cobain]!"

Love, outraged, initially sought to attack Fanelli herself, but then remembered the terms of her bond from one of her many recent arrests. She instead urged Ninja to attack Fanelli in the mode of Karate Kid star Ralph Macchio "to protect [Love's] honor." Ninja again ignored her requests and continued to operate as a simple suspended coaster.

At that point, Love lost control and ran at Ninja's first car, screaming and flailing about, holding a broken bottle. She was struck by the car and instantly knocked unconscious, with over a dozen items of drug paraphernalia falling out of her pockets.

Love is scheduled to be arraigned later today.