Saturday, September 20, 2003

Twilight Zone Tower of Terror Enters Betty Ford Clinic

According to rival hard amusement park news site Screamscape, the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror attraction at Disney Studios Theme Park is entering a rehab program. Although Disney officials had been trying to keep this news hidden, for fear it would hurt the image of the long-popular attraction, the paparazzi caught the Tower entering the Betty Ford clinic today. Photographs of a visibly distraught ride appeared in the muckraking tabloids Star, the Weekly World News, and Amusement Today.

"The difficulties of the Tower of Terror are its own business," said Disney rep Margot Ratigan. "We ask that the media and the scum of the general public please leave this ride alone and allow it to focus on recovery and being with its family in its time of need."

"I never saw this one coming," said Tower colleague and friend Rock 'n' Roller Coaster. "I thought he'd learn from my example, but it didn't happen. I mean, after spending my whole life hanging around with Aerosmith, I was loaded with coke, booze, crystal meth, heroin, and p%ssy 24 hours a day. I needed help and I fought my way through my Disney rehab. I thought Tower would see what pain I caused myself and others and make certain not to follow in my tracks, so to speak. I guess I wasn't forceful enough in trying to warn Tower, and now he's suffering just like I did. I blame myself."

"You always think you're immune," said the Magic Kingdom's 10,000 Leagues Under the Sea from its padded room. "But anyone can become addicted, and not everyone ever gets out. I kept denying I had a problem, and then Disney shut me down for my rehab. Well, instead of fixing myself up, I kept going back to my old pattern, and then I'd be in and out of rehab programs and the county jail, and eventually they just gave up on me and left me to rot. I hope Tower is reading this, and I hope he sticks with the rehab program and changes his life. It's too late for me, but he can still survive and be a better ride."

Representatives of the Betty Ford clinic refused to confirm whether Twilight Zone Tower of Terror would be staying at the Metallica suite, the Aerosmith cottage, or the Charlie Sheen wing of the property.