Saturday, August 16, 2003

Hulk Coaster Denies Culpability in Blackouts

Appearing at a press conference today, the Incredible Hulk roller coaster, based at Islands of Adventure, denied any involvement in the recent blackouts that crippled New York City and substantial portions of states from Michigan to Connecticut, as well as parts of Canada.

“I am appearing before you today to assure all the media, my friends, family, teammates, and fans that I am blameless in the events which transfigurated in the Northeast,” said the ride. “Although I do use a great deal of power, I would never be irrepressible with it and cause these terrible blackout conditions. I am hurt that people believe these is my doings and I will be proven innocent eventually.” Hulk then began sobbing uncontrollably and heaving its manly shoulders. Cat in the Hat then came over to console the despondent thrill ride.

Authorities questioned the coaster Friday, but released it without making any official criminal charges against it. “Hulk is not under arrest,” stated Anita Hoare, the lead detective assigned to the case. “However, we certainly consider it a suspect. IOA continually brags about how they had to build a huge separate power station just to handle the coaster train launches of Incredible Hulk, or else every launch would black out the city of Orlando. This certainly seems suspicious to us.”

Returning to the podium after its sobbing and blubbering had tapered off, Hulk announced that it had dramatic evidence the blackouts were caused by the enormous power drain caused by the Lil Whipper Snapper, a twelve-foot family steel coaster located at Hoffman’s Playland near Albany, New York.