Sunday, December 12, 2004

ACE Region Turns to Pornography

As regional representatives of the American Coaster Enthusiasts discover the power of the Internet, recent months have seen a proliferation of websites specifically devoted to the activities of various ACE regions. But, as these new webmasters have discovered, the only way to run a website at a profit is to showcase porn. (Either that, or feature articles satirizing the amusement industry, which experts tell us has enabled ARN&R to earn literally hundreds of cents over the past few years.)

While most ACE regional websites have floundered in financial woe and irrelevance, one has made the bold leap to be noticed by the world at large: The Barely Legal Teen Coaster Sluts webpage, reached at, operated by the suddenly wealthy ACE Region 18.

"We were trying to think of something that would play well off the name of our region, which is eighteen," said Barely Legal Teen Coaster Sluts spokesman John DiStefano. "And naturally we remembered that eighteen is the age of consent in most states, which means you can legally feature porn involving anyone over that age. And it's really taken off...our hot, horny, barely-eighteen coasters will allow themselves to be ruthlessly violated in unspeakable ways just for your amusement, as long as you provide us with your credit card number."

Some of the popular barely-eighteen coasters featured engaging in graphic and deranged scenes of sexual activity on the website include Le Monstre, Puff the Little Fire Dragon, and Disaster Transport. However, DiStefano warned that visitors to the website should not expect to see anything illegal on the Region 18 site.

"All of our whores and sluts are of legal age," he stated. "Most of them are mere hours or perhaps days past the age of eighteen, which means they are totally hot, young, and ready for action, but also will not cause us to get thrown in jail for showing 24 ACE members riding them at once. But unfortunately, if you are looking for those steamy new pics of Hades violating four different holes, you're out of luck. You'll have to look to other sources for your jailbait."