Sunday, January 18, 2004

Coastaplaya's Enthusiast S&M Palace Shut Down

Much to the anti-delight of billions of amusement industry fans (well, at least those of us at ARN&R; we can't speak for anyone else), Coastaplaya's Enthusiast S&M Palace was closed down late this week.

The Palace was opened on January 5th, and was cleverly disguised as a Coasterbuzz topic titled "Park Enthusiasts or Snobs?" Initially the forum topic was primarily a bunch of people whining and pointing fingers and saying they don't like other enthusiasts, or they are better enthusiasts than other people, or someone's opinion sucks. The usual boring stuff. Plus a bizarre extended discussion of drinks, for some reason. But then the S&M Palace kicked into high gear.

"I've been enjoying tormenting stupid people for years," 'Playa informed ARN&R. But it never occurred to me that I could make a fortune doing it. People should know by now not to f*** with me, but in this stupid topic they kept coming, one right after the other, to get some punishment. I finally figured it out...they actually like getting pimp-slapped! The only explanation for why they keep lining up is that they enjoy being humiliated. It arouses them. That's why I opened my club, so these poor saps could pay me their hard-earned cash and I could torture them. And then I could also charge sadists to watch it all and laugh their asses off. Everyone was happy."

"Especially me," added the 'Playa.

The first masochist to enter the hallowed halls of Coastaplaya's Enthusiast S&M Palace was dexter, who received a thorough and painful whipping from Coastapalya's own paddle. And then he got some more. And he even came back for thirds. "The electrified nipple clips were almost more than the poor boy could take," added 'Playa. "But not quite."

Following the positive experience of the Palace's opening client, dozens of enthusiasts cheerfully lined up for their torture at the hands of 'Playa. Among the sad fools who queued up to have their egos flensed were booya (over and over) and dexter (again), Nitro Dave and booya (even more), and Nitro Dave (again) and dexter (yet again!). Aside from the verbal abuse each idiot received, 'Playa's hand-picked, leather-clad Minions of Agony would ball-gag each enthusiast, then proceed to whip him, beat him, and inform him, in no uncertain terms, that he was no good.

Particularly naughty enthusiasts would also be selected for Apollo Andy's Charity Dunking Booth, a feature later added by popular request.

Sadly, coaster forum authorities, acting in consultation with Coasterbuzz moderator Jeff Putz, made the decision to close the topic after ten amazing pages. "Sadism, masochism, and bondage are not things I want Coasterbuzz to be associated with," said Putz. "Those are some twisted, sick f***s. What's next? Group sex? Bestiality? Requests for threesomes?"

Coastaplaya was reflective after his S&M Palace was shut down. "It was fun while it lasted," he said, staring off into the clouds with a faraway look upon his face. "Lots of fun, lots of cash. Sure, I'm upset that the thing was shut down by the police. But I'm smart enough to get an S&M club going in another topic almost any time I feel like it. If enthusiasts are going to be jumping up and down, raising their hands and going 'Oooh! Ooooh! 'Playa thwacked me mercilessly, too! Don't forget about me!' I'm pretty sure business will be brisk next time, too.

"Or," he added, "I might just leave all this S&M stuff behind and open a restaurant. We can invite some Putz stalkers and have Pancake Day. That might be fun."