Friday, May 02, 2003

Paramount's Carowinds Adds New Themed Land

Attempting to spruce up the themed experience at their park, Paramount's Carowinds executives announced today that they would be opening a new and exciting themed land this season. Work on the makeover and new attractions has been progressing at a feverish pace, and the unique New Age Hippie Weirdo Land is expected to be completed in time for the busy summer influx of customers.

Theming of the New Age Hippie Weirdo Land section will be "very immersive," says park spokesman Tom Haden. Visitors will enter the new land through thick curtains of macrame beeds. Pathways will be made entirely of real hemp, burning incense will waft about in thick, gag-inducing clouds, and all of the new area's ride and shop workers will be required to grow greasy dreadlocks and stop bathing and using deodorant. Gift shops will sell mood rings, healing crystals, and, of course, loads of water bongs ("for use only as humorous gifts," says Haden). Street vendors will hawk tasty fare such as bean sprout and tempeh pizza, wheat grass shakes, and sandwiches made from a new soy and wheat-gluten product called I Can't Believe It's Not Blue Whale Meat!

New attractions are also being built at a rapid pace. First will be the Baghwan Sri Rajneesh Limo Ride, which Haden describes as "a lot like Disney's Superstar Limo, except it doesn't suck. It's a ride that shows important scenes in the life of the Baghwan, and includes great live interaction where passengers have their wallets stolen and then get felt up by perverts covered in latex." There will also be a new ride called Patchouli Armageddon; Haden is tight-lipped about the details of this ride, but does assure ARN&R that "it'll be an assault on all the senses. Well, I guess mainly just the sense of smell, to be honest."

But the crowning achievement of the new land will simply be a clever retheming of the Flying Super Saturator water coaster, now to be called the Magical Surprise Cleansing and Healing Barium Colonic. "This one is pure genius," says Haden. "With the incredible volume and power of the water blasting up at the riders in the form of geysers and water cannons, we realized that if passengers were required to ride naked, they would get an enema whether they want one or not!"

When asked whether this type of themed land would appear to be a better fit for sister park Paramount's Great America, Haden was resolute in his denial. "Certainly not. That park is in California, and those people are already eating soy curd and ritualistically flushing their bowels on a daily basis anyway. This wouldn't take them to a new plane of reality. However, the good people of" (Here Haden paused to check which section of Carowinds he was standing in.) "...I mean South Carolina...have never seen such wacky s%$#. They're going to fall in love with New Age Hippie Weirdo Land."

Ruben, Cowell to Battle

Paul Ruben, noted coaster "critic" and editor of alleged magazine Park World has agreed to do a celebrity boxing gig with Simon Cowell of American Idol fame. While details are sketchy at the moment, we do have word from excellent sources that that Don King has repeatedly offered to promote the match.

It seems that Cowell dissed Top Thrill Dragster after previewing the ride for an upcoming "AI at the park" Memorial Day special, declaring it "the worst kind of American trash...short in duration and long on hype." Ruben, who declared TTD to be his new number one coaster months before it actually was built, overhearing these remarks, threw down the gauntlet and challenged Cowell to a fight. There was even talk of a wager.

If Cowell wins the fight, Ruben must perform on stage for American Idol, where it is expected that he'll perform his usual gymnastics routine, doing backflips and cartwheels while singing the Cedar Fair anthem and stuffing parks' money into his pockets. If Ruben wins, then Simon must perform "Stan Checketts high-dive", launching himself off the top of TTD into a small wading pool underneath while repeatedly thrashing himself with a bullwhip. Enthusiasts everywhere should be ready for this epic battle of men who love the cameras.


In related news, ARN&R has not been able to confirm that Ruben has any actual comparative basis for reported declarations that TTD is "better than sex." Nor has ARN&R been able to confirm allegations that he was arrested for public indecency in Cedar Point's parking lot attempting to obtain a basis for comparison. More news as we get it. --CJ