Tuesday, July 01, 2003

Wife of Corrupt ThrillNetwork Government Official Needs Your Help Releasing Funds from Foreign Bank

[Ed. Note: ARN&R received this urgent e-mail today and thought it would be best to share it with you, our loyal readers. Whomever among you follows the directions and becomes fabulously wealthy, we hope you'll at least spend some money in the ARN&R shop.]

ThrillNetwork Towers
Lagos, Nigeria
For The Attention of: OWNER / CHIEF EXECUTIVE

This is important, and requires your immediate attention! First, I must solicit your strictest confidence as you read this letter. Though this might come to you as a surprise since we have not met or spoken with each other before. I plead for your understanding and tender my humble apologies if I had taken you unaware.

My name is CHUMA WILSON, the wife of the chairman of the committee set up by the Federal Government of Nigeria to supervise the activities of the ThrillNetwork Trust Fund (TNTF), the agency that manages proceeds from the sale of ThrillNetwork Club memberships in my country. At the inception of the new democratic government in my country, the TNTF was ordered to wind up its operation to enable the new committee take over. What it did not know is that my husband was also part of the secretive ThrillNetwork government.

The former Chairman of the agency in the person of Major General Muhammed Buhari (Rtd.) was also retired. In its place a new committee in which my husband is a member was appointed to take over and oversee the activities of the agency. The duty of the committee amongst others includes verifying all outstanding contract claims and debts with the sole objective of settling such long overdue claims. My husband has asked that I assist in coordinating his efforts and I have decided to cut him out of the money, as he has been seen in compromising positions with what my tribe calls "coaster tools."

I therefore decided to contact you directly having gotten your name and company's information from a business handbook of your country I discovered in the former chairman's official study, which he left behind in his office. [Ed. Note: We think this is a reference to links found on Westcoaster.net.]

Going through some of the files left behind by the former chairman, we discovered that he has secured out of the Central Bank of Nigeria a forex release to the tune of US$25,500,000.00 for the payment of goods and services supplied by foreign contractors for the execution of ThrillNetwork Club Events and SpeedZone Bandwidth. He was caught in the web of trying to transfer the funds to a ghost company abroad when he was removed from office. In confidence, we know that the goods and services were not supplied -- especially that ERT promised from the ThrillNetwork Club -- but used his office to approve the payment in favour of a foreign firm with no fixed address.

He confided in me as a member of the new committee that he used his position to over invoice the contract. After his removal from office, this over invoiced amount is floating in the system and left unclaimed. He has therefore requested me to help look for a foreign company into whose account the funds will be transferred.

I am now soliciting for your cooperation to enable us process the transfer of the funds to your account. You should provide us your company's name or any other name as long as you will be able to receive the amount. It will be treated as one of the outstanding payments due to you on executed contract. We will take measure to duly register your company here in Nigeria to give it legitimacy. We need your company's name and account particulars to enable us file application for foreign exchange allocation order at the Federal Ministry of Finance. The moment we accomplish this, we will raise Contract Award Certificate in your company's name to show that a contract was actually awarded and executed by you. The nature of your business not withstanding.

For your participation and investing in this project, we are prepared to concede 25% of the total sum to you. On completion of the project, we will commit a substantial percentage of our share into investments in your country and we will direct you on how to repatriate the balance of our share.

This arrangement is known only to you and myself. Therefore, confidentiality should be our watchword. Don't tell my husband. If the above proposal meets your approval, please respond immediately. Endeavour to furnish me with your secured private telephone and fax line for easy reach.


Sakes alive, friends! You're going to be rich!
Enthusiasts Denied ERT at Music Theater

Hundreds of coaster enthusiasts were turned away in their bid for Exclusive Ride Time (ERT) at the Goodspeed Opera House, a historic musical theater in eastern Connecticut where coaster lovers mistakenly believed there to be high-tech thrill attractions.

The source of confusion appears to be a review, by critic Caroline McGuire of the Norwalk Free Republican-Democrat, of the current Goodspeed revival of Me and My Girl. Amongst various comments about the costumes, musical score, and acting range of the stars, the show was described as “an absolute roller coaster ride from start to finish.”

“How dare they lead us astray,” said Mark Price, 65. “The review clearly stated that there was a roller coaster here. This is untrue. In fact, there are no thrill rides at all. It’s just a little town with a river and this Victorian theater. And the landscape and interaction with the water would certainly have made this an ideal location for a terrain woodie.”

“Or, better yet, a hypercoaster. Preferably a 600-foot launched one,” he added thoughtfully.

Despite filing protest letters and bitching extensively over not being granted access to the hidden roller coaster, a handful of ACE members did decide to do some good for the group’s public relations, sticking around to take in the sights and sounds of the park despite the filthy lies about the alleged coaster on the property. Several reported that the park’s entertainment, specifically the musical, was “much better than the rock and roll show at Worlds of Fun or that Snoopy on Ice thing at Cedar Point.” The only further complaint about the park besides the lack of an advertised roller coaster was that the orchestra pit did not feature a viola.

ACE President Carol Sanderson has announced that throngs of enthusiasts plan to pout and whine insufferably when they are turned away form nonexistent roller coasters at showings of Hulk and Terminator 3, a variety of major league baseball games, and even the Lancashire Cricket Club, all of which have been falsely described in the recent past by reviewers as “roller coaster rides.”

Mullet Proclaimed Official Hairstyle Of Kennywood Park

Jerome Gibas, vice-president and general manager of Kennywood Park, has proclaimed the mullet to be the official hairstyle of the 105-year-old traditional amusement park located in West Mifflin, Pennsylvania.

In an exclusive interview with ARN&R, Mr. Gibas revealed why Kennywood decided to magnify the mullet to "super-style" status.

"The mullet is very special to Pittsburgh area residents," stated Jerome. "What hairstyle could better exemplify the small town look and feel of a wonderful classic amusement park like Kennywood? Before we settled on the mullet, we had considered immortalizing other hairstyles, like the flattop or the kinky perm, but none of the others seemed to reach out to us the way that that the mullet did. The mullet is such an attractive and versatile haircut. It looks good on men. It looks good on women. Hell, it even looks good on children. We are truly honored to feature the mullet as the official hairstyle of Kennywood Park."

In celebration of Kennywood's official new "do," the park will feature "Mullet Mark Down Days" every Thursday in July and August. All guests wearing a mullet hairdo will get half-price admissions to the park on those days. As a bonus, any guest with a mullet and a rat-tail will get the half-price admission, plus they'll get a coupon good for half off the purchase of Kennywood's latest delicious snack bar confection, the deep fried chocolate covered white fudge macadamia nut brownie.

Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom is reportedly considering legal action to prevent Kennywood from advertising itself as the Mullet Capital of the Amusement World. According to sources, SFKK contends that such a claim would be false advertising given the daily volume and quality of mullets at that park.

UPDATE: Our top-secret news sources recently informed us that 2004 will be "The Year Of The Mullet" at Kennywood Park. There will be special mullet-related shows and events happening all season long like the "Mullet Madness Musical Revue" and "The 1st Annual Miss Mullet" competition. The most exciting news of all, however, is that Kennywood has contracted with the Sally Corporation to develop a new custom interactive dark ride called the "Mighty Amazing Mullet Ride." Passengers will be armed with "interactive scissors" and will attempt to cut their way through mountains of hair in an effort to sculpt the perfect mullet.