Friday, June 13, 2003

Paramounts Kings Dominion To Install "Wedgie Cams" On Drop Zone Ride

In order to substantiate claims that the new 305-foot tall Drop Zone Stunt Tower at Paramounts Kings Dominion causes instant wedgies to riders during its 72 mile-per-hour rapid descent, park officials have announced that they will be installing "Wedgie Cams" onto all 56 seats of the world-record-breaking drop ride.

Flapjack Fishhead, media relations spokesperson for Kings Dominion, recently chatted with ARN&R about this exciting new addition to the newly opened Drop Zone ride.

"The cams will use the latest in infrared and X-ray technology to 'see through' the pants of riders," explained Fishhead. "They will be aimed right at the crotches of guests and will show with great clarity and amazing detail how quickly a rider's underwear is sucked right up their butt crack during the ride's high speed descent."

Fishhead went on to say, "The cameras will broadcast a continuous streaming video feed that can be viewed either on Kings Dominion's Web site or on various closed-circuit television monitors located throughout the Drop Zone queue and all around the rest of the park. As an added bonus, guests will even be able to purchase souvenir ride photos of their undies stuck up their hineys! Is this a great country that we are living in, or what?" Fishhead added that the park was considering proposals to sell the best wedgie photos to various fetish web sites.

Paramount decided to install the "Wedgie Cams" in response to the allegations of deceptive advertising brought against them by rival theme park chain, Six Flags.

Six Flags America Vice-President and General Manager, Janet Porter, said in a prepared statement, "We think that it is absolutely unacceptable that Paramounts Kings Dominion would make such a ridiculous assertion as the one they have made recently about their new Drop Zone tower ride. It is obvious to us that they are exaggerating the thrill of their lackluster new ride by insinuating that all riders will experience an instant wedgie while on the ride. Why, I'll bet that that drop ride in their commercial is not even really in the park! In fact, if I'm not mistaken, I do believe that the drop ride featured in their commercial is actually a digitally altered version of our 'Hellevator' drop ride located at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom."

"The Six Flags Corporation would never stoop so low as Paramount Parks has," Porter continued. "We pride ourselves on our completely accurate and always truthful advertising. If you see a ride in a Six Flags America commercial, then you can bet your bottom dollar that you'll find that ride at Six Flags America. And, furthermore, if Six Flags tells that you one of our roller coasters will give you a swirlie every time you ride it, then by golly, you better believe that it will. After all, our reputation and good name are at stake."

Fishhead had no response to what he termed as Porter's "incessant meandering and ranting."

The "Wedgie Cams" are expected to be operational on the first day of summer, June 21, 2003. Starting on that date, in order to avoid potentially embarrassing video of your private parts from being broadcast around the park and around the world, Kings Dominion strongly advises that all guests planning to ride the Drop Zone Stunt Tower wear underwear, preferably clean underwear.


[Ed. Note: Avoid embarrassment -- wear ARN&R underwear! We've got a tasteful thong and comfy boxers.]