Saturday, June 05, 2004

Opponent of 2003 Disney Gay Days Looking Forward to 2004 Disney Gay Days

It's 6:00 on Saturday afternoon, and the Reverend Howard Ferstler, 51, is putting clothes and a compact disc player in his suitcase for a trip to Disney World that begins with his direct flight from Little Rock, Arkansas, to Orlando this evening. This is a trip Ferstler has made numerous times over the past several years, as the self-described Conservative Christian has made frequent pilgrimages to amusement parks that host Gay Day celebrations. So what makes this time any more special than any of the other scores of trips he has made in the past?

Previously, Ferstler attended Gay Days to express his hatred of those different from him. This time, he is going as an eager participant.

"In a few hours, I'll be packing a lot more than my socks!" he says, with a wink. Then he tries to slip a ball gag and leather chaps into his carry-on bag without this reporter noticing.

A mere year ago, Ferstler fought Disney in court, and lost, over the right to fly his plane over the Magic Kingdom with anti-gay banners. After that failure, he showed up at Animal Kingdom and stood in the parking lot for three straight days holding signs with intellectual slogans such as "Kill All Fags" and "God Hates People Different From Me." Ferstler also screamed randomly selected, out-of-context bible verses at anyone within earshot until he passed out from heat exhaustion. While not either harassing homosexuals minding their own business at amusement parks or blatantly disregarding the message of love and compassion given by his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ during his own sermons for the Sixty-Ninth Baptist Church of Eastern Little Rock, Ferstler enjoyed spending quality time with Randall Terry plotting the murder of abortion doctors and beating his wife. But not this year.

When queried as to why the formerly outspoken critic of homosexuals would be interested in attending the celebration instead of threatening the lives of gays and handing out literature suggesting they rot in hell, Ferstler was effusive:

"It all started when that Christian Action Network President Martin Mawyer came to my church to show his video of hot man-on-man action from a previous Disney Gay Day," says Ferstler. "He showed us that footage of men cuddling and taking shirts off and slapping each other's buttocks, all in plain view of normal, non-deviant Christians at the park, and...oh my, it was offensive. It was so offensive that I asked to see it again. And again. Well, eventually all those disgusting homos showing affection got me so worked up with righteous rage that I had to insist on getting a hand job from Martin in the bathroom."

He continues: "everyone kept saying my rage against gay people was totally caused by my self-hatred due to the fact that I liked men and just couldn't handle it. Hey, I guess they were right all along! In all these years of beating up gays and spewing hatred, I never realized the sheer pleasure that could be provided by another man. How I wish I had known before now how spectacular and comforting it is to feel the tickle of a beard on your inner thigh; strong, masculine lips around your throbbing member; or a supersized dildo up your butt."

Ferstler notes that his decision to embrace the gay lifestyle he had long denounced had led him on a journey of self-awakening. "I couldn't believe how many people who claim to hate gays were so good at anal sex!" he says. "For instance, Lou Sheldon always claimed homosexuality is a social disorder that's not genetic, but acquired. Well hell, after I let him acquire my ass in a hotel room, I bet he's softened his stance. And then there was that Jeremy Shockey fellow, who plays tight end for the Giants and is always talking about how much he hates homos. Let's just say that, judging from my time with him, he'd be better off playing with the Rams or the Oilers or the Packers."

"Actually, you might want to refer to him as a split end now, though," said Ferstler with a chuckle.

And as for longtime Ferstler pal Jessie Helms, the good reverend merely has this cryptic comment: "well, don't knock a gum job til you try it."

When this reporter asked Ferstler whether he was concerned about fundamentalist Christians assaulting and cursing him when he arrived at Disney World, he merely stated that he "wasn't too concerned with the opinion of those assholes."

Enthusiast Misses Chance to Discuss Amusement Parks at Work

In an exclusive interview this morning, coaster enthusiast Matt Groban reported great feelings of dejection and bereavement over his failure to discuss amusement parks with co-workers despite having an easy opening in a conversation that should have enabled him to do just that.

Groban, who teaches science at Dodd Middle School in Cheshire, Connecticut, blatantly failed to take advantage of his potential coaster conversation this Friday, when fellow teacher Jan Royster mentioned in the teacher's lounge that she had taken her art class to Lake Compounce on a field trip.

"I totally messed it up," said Groban. "I mean, she mentioned an amusement park! She said she had taken her class there, and then even said that some security guard had told her some nonsense like there would be an 85 million dollar expansion to double the size of the park next year. She just spread the conversation wide open for me to bust in there and talk about who owned what land and how it was zoned in Bristol, or discuss the type of grease used on Boulderdash, or maybe describe the air compression technology that they use on the new S&S ride, or even talk about how their website was telling people to 'go down' for quite some time. Unfortunately, I couldn't butt in quick enough, and those dumbasses just moved on to talking about the plumbing problems the school's been having."

Groban noted that "at one point, I would have gotten in there and made the rest of lunch completely about my knowledge of coasters. But I waited a split second too long, and then my chance was wasted. I think I'm losing my touch."

Groban noted that, as recently as a month ago, he had been more effective at making use of coaster-related teacher's lounge chats to tell people how much he knows about amusement parks. "It was right after the Superman accident," he said. "People were talking about how coasters were dangerous, but then I managed to leap in and tell them all about what they needed to know. And I was especially helpful in reassuring and comforting them in their time of need, since I'd done my research and read "What to Say to Friends About the Superman Accident."

"I only hope I can get back to that level," he said, gazing wistfully into the sunset. "Because if I don't, some young buck is going to be the one dominating discussions about roller coasters at Dodd before I know it."