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New Ride Problematic for Designers

Universal Studios Florida's design team is having great difficulties with how to handle their upcoming thrill ride, League of Extraordinary Gentleman: The Experience, say sources. The gigantic thrill ride, reported to cost over 200 million dollars, is based on the film that proved to be a massive hit both with critics and audiences around the globe, and is set to begin construction soon after the substantial Mummy ride opens. However, the designers have reached an impasse.

"It's just too daunting," said designer Doug Malkey. "How can we contain a movie of such magnificence, such acting prowess, and such technical brilliance within a mere amusement park ride? I'm particularly flabbergasted by the whole Venice sequence, which would obviously have to be a part of any great movie ride involving LXG! How, in a single ride, are we to tackle such fabulous and realistic material as a car chase in Venice, or graveyard fights in Venice, or a giant submarine navigating the canals of Venice, and not make it seem retarded compared to the magnificent movie upon which it is based?"

Malkey also noted that "the attention the writers of the movie paid to the original graphic novel and the Victorian-era classics upon which the characters were based is simply astonishing. The writers clearly studied all these books and characters for as much as three minutes before beginning principal photography. They especially knew every detail about Dorian Gray, like how he is immortal, even to bullets, unless he sees his painting. It's amazing how close that is to the actual Oscar Wilde book, which means we'll have to peruse the text even more, say, five minutes, in order to delve further and present more in-depth material that fans will crave!"

Added Malkey, "how can we ever hope to have characters this well-written? How can we write dialogue that won't seem stupid compared to the sheer poetry being spoken in the movie? How can we perfrom special effects that come anywhere near those spectacular shots created for the movie? You know, the explosions and the Hyde effects shots that they farmed out for eight dollars to this six-year-old kid Davey who lives down the street from me? And, most importantly, can we come up with clever ideas like a vampire who walks around in the daylight or a character like Tom Sawyer who is from the wrong era compared to the rest of the characters? It's daunting, I tell you, daunting."

Malkey concluded by noting that "all those old books are really boring since you have to, like, read words or something," so the design team would primarily focus on the brilliant script, well-thought-out plot, and Sean Connery's whoring of his good name for ideas on how to construct a ride that "will do justice to one of the great works of culture ever created by mankind."

--JCK