Thursday, March 13, 2003

Helen Hunt Declines Yet Another CoasterCon Guest Appearance

The thousands of members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts were crestfallen to learn this week that actress Helen Hunt had turned down yet another offer to speak at an ACE Coaster Convention, refusing to be a part of the festivities this summer at Paramount King's Dominion and Busch Gardens Williamsburg. Hunt is a particularly favorite actress with coaster enthusiasts, based on her acting ability, perky breasts, and, primarily, her extremely small role in the rather piss-poor movie Rollercoaster.

"Obviously, we are upset," stated events director Gary Baker. "We felt Ms. Hunt would be an excellent addition to the festivities at the CoasterCon this season. She would be a fine keynote speaker at the banquet, and we could raffle off some rides with her in the front seat of of Rebel Yell and raise tons of bread. Sadly, we'll now have to come up with other options."

Hunt, who as a twelve year old had about 10 lines in the 70's stink bomb about a terrorist who blows up amusement rides, was also asked to attend the Con last summer at Magic Mountain, but declined. This came as a total shock to new ACE executives, who felt that Hunt would jump at the chance to see a private screening of Rollercoaster and answer questions from morons bloated on pounds of cheap buffet. Long term ACE insiders reluctantly admit to ARN&R that Hunt has actually politely declined an invitation to appear and speak at every official ACE function since 1990.

An agent of Hunt's released the following statement to the media: "While Helen is pleased to be recognized for her work in all of her films and television shows, she wishes ACE would come to its senses and perhaps even get a life. No one else really cares about her minor child role in a laughably stupid movie decades ago. Helen makes millions of dollars, and does not need to take a 500 dollar appearance fee to lecture a bunch of geeks about something she barely remembers. Also, she would prefer not to be fondled by all the horny teens who are reputed to be abundant at these enthusiast gatherings. Eventually, Helen's career will deteriorate to the point where she will have to act in reprehensible garbage like Pay it Forward on a regular basis instead of once in a while, and at that point she may need to take some invitations to speak with some groups or what not. Until that point, forget it."

The agent added, "and no, Helen would not like to date any enthusiast, nor would she like to receive any more detailed lists of favorite stand up and suspended coasters from any of you people."

The revised list of potential speakers at the upcoming Coastercon now consists of the AFLAC duck, Florence Henderson, David Arquette, some stinking drunk Vekoma designers, and, of course, Carrot Top. Reaction from ACE members is reportedly mixed, as many members prefer Jessica Alba. Sadly, ARN&R reportedly has the young lass under an exclusive contract for the next several years of coaster functions, so ACE members may be required to brace themselves for the cretin hijinks of a washed up 1-800-CALL-ATT spokesman of some sort instead.

Hey! Aren't You Bozos Supposed To Be On Hiatus Or Something?

Literally pairs of enthusiasts rejoiced this week as they realized that the flow of useless information pouring forth from the great minds at ARN&R had slowed, but had not come to a crashing standstill, as previously advertised and feared. Indeed, many irritated amusement industry experts are reportedly quite put out that ARN&R has managed to continue its cuddling and ass kissing of the amusement industry, as always.

Rumor has it that some of the ARN&R staff has been particularly noble this week, what with more than one of them taking time out from their busy out of state work schedules to contribute a piece here and there. Rumor has it that one staff member even managed to publish articles using a piece of crap, worthless, filthy pile of garbage borrowed IMac, even though the Blog buttons do not appear on OS operating systems, forcing him to learn a few crude lines of html code in order to please his throngs of worshipful minions. All 5 or 6 of them, anyway. These rumors cannot be confirmed at this time.