Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors.

Universal's Halloween Horror Nights Uses New Soundtrack

ARN&R has received exclusive word that the soundtrack used for Universal's Halloween Horror Nights will be the Baby Baby CD. "Although many parks use a combination of atmospheric scary music, classical music about evil subjects, and rock tunes with a Halloween theme, we thought we needed something much more horrifying," said Vice President of Making People Soil Their Panties Clint McNabb. "And what could possibly terrify and disgust people more than having that f*%king Baby Baby abomination wailing away all night?"

ARN&R reps got a sneak peek at Islands of Adventure all themed up and ready to inspire fear with its awe-inspiring new nighttime soundtrack. We can say for sure that we were utterly filled with unspeakable dread at the Baby Baby CD.

Said one reporter, "It's a most frightening family keepsake actually sung with the baby's name in the lyrics by the original artist. Somehow, the soothing, inspiring, contemporary music personalized with your baby's name produced the most terrorizing nightmare agony I have ever experienced. This album is clearly produced by minions of Satan himself, and I feel my soul being sucked straight into the fires of the damned each and every instant that it's playing on the loudspeakers."

The nerve-wracked staff of ARN&R eventually fled the special screening weeping in terror, as the caterwauling banshees of eternal hellfire belted out in a treacly whine: "Nich-o-las, oh Nich-o-las, my baby blah blah blah." Some of us may never be able to sleep again. Universal is to be applauded for its choice of music representing the fiery molten pits of Lucifer.

--JCK