Monday, December 08, 2003

Enthusiast Has Superb Orgasm

Howard Ferstler, a 50-year-old member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, managed this evening to have an orgasm for the first time in several days. According to Ferstler, this orgasm was amazingly powerful and voluminous. It was also, naturally, the product of self-stimulation.

"I had a horrible weekend," said Ferstler. "I rent a room from this family right down the road from Canobie Lake Park, which enabled me to bring myself explosively to fruition several times every day. I could bash my bald ferret into submission pretty much all morning and afternoon, since the big living room window has a nice view of the dogleg on the Yankee Cannonball just a bit down the street. Also, the people I rent from actually have jobs, so, for many hours each day, that leaves me with a variety of furnitures to sit on, and a wide array of paper products I can choose from when cleaning up the love goo."

Ferstler told ARN&R that the huge New England blizzard created problems for him for several days. "It was horrible," he said. "All that snow, and the high winds. It was a complete mess. I mean, it wasn't a problem for me as far as being in the snow or anything. I don't have a job, I wouldn't be making any coaster trips anyway due to the fact that no parks are open this time of year, and, most importantly, I can order in as much pizza, pork rinds, and biscuit mix as I want online and have it delivered to me. No, my nightmare this weekend was not being able to see Yankee Cannonball at all, which made it really difficult to slap Yul Brynner the high-five!"

The ACEr went on to detail how he had shopped for the perfect house to rent a room from all summer, selecting this one entirely for its "majestic and stimulating view" of one of Ferstler's favorite rides. "From September until last week, I could always see this wonderful bulging mass of wood, and I could reach a climax in mere seconds by doing battle with the purple-headed yogurt slinger, while simultaneously gazing upon the gorgeous Yankee Cannonball form thrusting up into the air, glistening with fresh grease. But then all that snow arrived, and the wind swirled the stuff around, and I couldn't see my beautiful coaster at all for the entire weekend. How on Earth could anyone be expected to adequately bitch-slap their little Sith Lord without a good woodie to stare at?"

Ferstler concluded by issuing forth a stern reprimand to the state of New Hampshire. "I don't approve of all this snow they have up here," he said. "I thought it was a pain to go ten rounds with the one-eyed trouser clown back in Georgia. I mean, the place I rented near Lake Winnepesaukah was only close enough that I had to walk six blocks up to a back fence, where I could stare at their woodie while I choked myself into emission, and I got hauled off to jail a few times for some reason, but at least it pretty much never snowed down there."

"That orgasm I had today while looking at Yankee Cannonball and squeezing my toothpaste from the middle of the tube was pretty damn good, though," Ferstler said, gazing with affection toward Canobie Lake's gates.

Check Out These Awesome Roller Coasters

Our new Site O' the Weak is the Eric Kevitz Homepage. Eric's front page has some information about surfing and about Costa Rica, and a nice animated file of Garfield that seems to have no purpose whatsoever. Eric also appears to be strangely fixated on his amazing Ford Taurus.

But just having a lame site about all the exciting specs for your car won't get you nominated for the ARN&R Site O' the Weak. Oh, no. For that honor, a website must suck and also reference the amusement industry in some fashion. Fortunately, Eric has a fantastic Montanas Rusas web page to fulfill our exacting requirements. On this excellent page, visitors can note that the webmaster thinks both Alpengeist and Apollo's Chariot are "awesome roller coasters," while providing a link to stories about these rides at Thrillride.

Yep. That's it.